Fire and Rain
by Orange Sodie
Summary: Conclusion is up.
1.

Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me. 

Author's notes: Stop me, I cannot keep starting stories like this, I don't have time! I borrowed the name from James Taylor's song "Fire and Rain", which always makes me feel a little sad, but it's a great song. Sorry this part is so short, I usually write a lot. The next parts will be longer, I promise. Just to let you know, scenes in Italics are flashbacks. Enjoy! 

Summary: I don't wanna give anything away, so just go ahead and read. There are no spoilers or anything, and it'll all be explained as the story progresses. 

Rating: PG-13 for now.

On with the show...

"Fire and Rain" by Carolina

This was a bad idea. A bad idea. He didn't want to be here. Chicago was not home. Croatia wasn't home either. Both places held bad memories; both had chewed him alive and spit him out west. He would always go back to Croatia to visit his family, but there was no reason to be in Chicago. 

Everything looked the same, a new building here, a new mall there. But still the same streets, the same darkness that made the city lose all it's appeal. Darkness in Chicago to him was the symbol for bad things. But he tried to put that aside for now. Still, as he drove through places where he had driven before, memories kept popping up. The route he used to take on his morning walks, the bakery where he bought his bread, the El tracks, an unfortunate walk by the river.

He didn't need to look to the small map sitting on the passenger seat to know where he was going. Some things had changed, but everything looked exactly the way he left them almost 5 years ago. Strangely enough some things change on the outside, but in the inside they always remain the same. He tried to fool himself into thinking he was one of these things, but he knew well that even though Chicago was the same place, he wasn't the same person. 

As he drove, he rubbed his shoulder, feeling the tension building on the nape of his neck. It had been a while since he had a good night sleep and just when things were beginning to seem a little comfortable, here he was again. His heart had been tugging at his chest as soon as he found out he would be coming back, it practically stopped beating as soon as he stepped out of the airport and it was still beating irregularly. It was painful. Being back here hurt, almost as much as going back to Croatia. Too many things made him want to crawl into a hole and die. In a weird way, he was still missing the people, his job. One thing stood out most than all, but all in all, being back here was a mistake, and he knew it, but a part of him he didn't know existed had dragged him back. 

He pulled the rental car in front of the hotel and took his bag out of the trunk. Without a word, he nodded at the Valet guy and walked in. There was a new receptionist, not that he was expecting to see the old one, but she looked young despite her height, and she stood behind a computer as she chewed her gum, she was obviously shoveled into the job. He put his bag down and took the papers out of the inside pocket of his coat. 

"Dr. Kovac?" a man called from behind.

Luka turned around to see the old manager still there, smiling as if he had just seen an old friend. Out of courtesy, he extended his hand and formed a small smile. 

"What are you doing here? I thought you had moved."

"I did," Luka said. "I'm here on business."

The manager patted Luka's back, "Well, never mind reservations. Mindy, put Dr. Kovac here on the penthouse."

Luka shook his head with a small laugh, "That's not necessary."

"Nonsense. The best room for my best tenant," the manager quipped. "How long are you going to be in Chicago?

"Uh, a week," Luka said. 

"Well it's settled. Do you think I was going to let you get one of those small rooms?"

"Well," Luka hesitated, "Thank you."

"And if you need anything, just ring me up and I'll send someone up in a second," the manager added. 

"Here you go, sir," Mindy said as she handed him a set of keys.

Luka took them in his hand and played with them for a moment before he turned to the manager, "Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Come and find me one night, we'll have drinks. Welcome back," the manager said with another tap on Luka's back and walked off to greet other people. 

Luka smiled as he watched him go and then turned to Mindy, who was happily blowing a bubble and staring at his behind as if it was a prime meat cut. 

--------------------

The penthouse was definitely better than that little room he had a while back. There was a huge bed in a separate room and a giant television stood in the small living room. The only thing missing was a kitchen, but he didn't intend on spending much time cooking anyway. There were frames hanging from the walls and fresh flowers in vases on the tables and even in the bathroom, which itself was built for royalty. It made him feel a little uncomfortable. He never did like living in big spaces. Big spaces always reminded him of ways it could be filled, by people it could be filled, people he didn't know. 

He dropped his bag on the floor and sat on the bed, burying his head on his hands. He was tired. Of the trip, the drive, his life. Everything. In fact, he couldn't remember not being tired now. As he sat there he could feel the years pass by, but as he looked up, he realized it had just been seconds. He laid back on the bed, shoes and all, and picked up the phone. After dialing a few familiar numbers, he closed his eyes and waited. 

"Tom?" he asked as he opened his eyes and looked down for a second. 

"Luka, did you make it safely?" a man on the other end answered. 

"Yes, yes, I'm in the hotel now," Luka said with little enthusiasm.

"Do you know where you have to go?" 

Luka nodded, "Yes, I just wanted to let you know I made it here."

"Ok," Tom said. "Listen, thank you for doing this, we owe you big time."

"No problem," Luka said, even thought it indeed was a problem.

"We'll give you a couple of days off when you come back," Tom added to humor Luka, but it didn't work very well. So he cleared his throat. "Listen, we're a little busy here, so, call me back, ok?"

"Yeah, um, I'm going to bed," Luka said. 

"Anything you want me to tell anyone," Tom asked.

Luka seemed to think about that for a moment and then let out a, "No."

"Ok man. See you when you get back," Tom said. 

"Yeah, see you," Luka said and hung up immediately. He let out a sigh and looked up at the ceiling, realizing that even the ceilings were carefully painted as if this was the Sistine Chapel. He maneuvered to take off his shoes with just his feet, but realized he'd have to get off the bed to actually turn off the lights... 

... _"Don't turn off the lights, we're not done talking," Luka said furiously._

"There's nothing else to talk about."

"I think there is."

"Luka please, I don't wanna talk about this."

"I do," he insisted. 

"Just leave me alone."

"I can't!"...

Another sigh came out of his system. He wished he would have said no. But no, that idiot Costas had to get sick just a day before the trip. That was awfully convenient. Now here he was, in no other city than Chicago. He carefully planned the different ways he could not be seen. Maybe just get up, go on his business and immediately come back here. He would have to eat from the hotel, drink from the hotel and once again, live on the hotel. Luka Kovac was not going to step out into the streets of Chicago, and he would not let the memories engulf his mind and slowly kill him as they have been for the past 5 years.

To be continued...

~Carolina~

The Luka/Abby Club: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Luka-and-Abby


	2. Rain Falls Hard

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. 

Author's Notes: Well, here's part deux. Thanks for all your kind comments on the first part and don't ask me where I'm going with this story because even though I know, I won't tell you :)

Archive: Sure, go ahead, just tell me where.

Rating: PG-13

"Fire and Rain, Part 2: Rain Falls Hard" by Carolina

The outside was beautiful, the naked trees coated in a light mantel of snow. There was a bird singing somewhere, but he couldn't figure out where. As he looked around he realized everything looked even more familiar during the day, and after a good night sleep. It was cold. Not that he wasn't used to that now, but the wind made it worse here than anywhere else. There were young men running down the sidewalk; women walking down the streets with their babies practically covered to their noses with small coats and Winter hats. 

He started walking. It was something he had been doing now for almost 15 years and it was a habit he couldn't get rid off. His coat was wrapped around him even tighter as the wind blew a little more forcefully, clearing little spots off of hair on his head. He knew where he was going even without thinking. 

Hunger was beginning to make its presence be heard in his stomach, so he made a mental note to stop somewhere on the way back to the hotel. The river was still flowing in the same direction, there were still little benches for people to sit in and homeless men were still walking around despite the almost unbearable coldness in the air. The old railing was still there, and as he leaned into it and looked into the water he let out a sigh. 

Suddenly, too suddenly, everything felt as if he had never left. Suddenly he was still living in Chicago and there was no Lakeside, no Tom, no Irene. There was only a river and morning walks, bagels and too much coffee. There were 12 hour shifts that ended as if in a dream. There was a cozy apartment, and women's clothes. There was a cat... 

... _"Luka, what's going on?"_

"Shh, just keep your eyes closed," Luka softly cooed to her ear. 

"Is this another one of those, 'Look, I cleaned the apartment' stunts?"

Luka laughed, "No. I did clean, though."

"Ok. Can I open them now?"

"Just a second," he said as he set everything in front of the tree. He hurried back to stand behind her and rested his chin on her head. "Ok, you can open them now."

"What's this?" 

"It's a cat," Luka said as if it was obvious, which it was.

"You bought a cat?" 

"No, I bought us a cat," Luka said, kneeling on the other side and reiterating the word us, watching as the cat played with her small fingers. 

"Us a cat?" 

"You're not gonna make me take him back, are you?" he teased, waiting for her response as unclear emotions ran through her face and she finally looked up to him with a smile. "What are you gonna name him?" Luka asked. 

"I don't know any cat names." 

"Come on," Luka said a little exasperatedly. 

"Ok, ok... Oreo."

Luka chuckled, looking at the bag of cookies on the table. "Ok, Oreo."...

If there were thousands of Star Buck's before, there were probably millions now. You couldn't even step out without practically walking into one and as he looked around, he just gave up on the idea of finding a nice place to get some breakfast. You know how sometimes you get so hungry that you can't eat at all?

When he walked out of the hotel again, all dressed up and shaven, it was raining. Not light rain, or rain which fell like hundreds of miniature cotton balls, it was frozen rain, falling down hard like hail. The rental car was waiting for him outside, and as he got in he took a deep breath, closing his eyes tight and opening them for a long ride. 

The sound of the rain smacking the windshield took him back to days of pop corn and movies; days of cold winters but warm apartments with blankets and pillows on the couch over a movie.

"Hey, watch out, jackass!"

He was brought out of his reverie but not in time to stop at the red light, which he had not seen. Looking around to make sure there wasn't a cop near, he kept going, hearing the angry drivers honk their horns and cussing at him from afar. 

"Kiss my ass," he muttered under his breath as he continued to stare straight ahead, listening to a song on the radio he was sure he had heard years ago somewhere in New York. 

The old convention center's parking lot was empty, and a glance at his watch gave an explanation. He ran in, covering his head with his coat, which was quickly drenched.

"Can I help you?" someone asked as soon as he walked in. 

Luka looked at the busy woman as he shook his coat, sending drops of water everywhere. She looked busy, hovering over some papers behind a table. 

"Uh, I'm here for the conference," he said.

The woman took her glasses off and looked at him from toes to head. "You're early."

Luka looked at his watch again to convey the idea that he didn't know he was two hours ahead of schedule, but that didn't seem to diminish the woman's frustration. 

She let out a small sigh, "Name?"

"Luka Kovac," he said quickly, looking at all the name tags spread across the table. 

"Wear this at all times, and you can go ahead and sit down. There's coffee and donuts on the tables, if you're hungry. Here," she handed him a pamphlet. "So you don't get bored."

Luka took the papers on his hands and gave her an appreciative smile, "Thank you." 

She didn't seem to hear him. 

The auditorium was warm, and he quickly poured himself a cup of coffee as he looked over at the stage. Various chairs were sitting behind a long table, a podium in the middle. After grabbing a glazed donut, he walked over and chose a chair on the back. 

Silence again. 

Silence seemed to follow him everywhere he went. It was his loyal companion, one that would never leave him, never judged him, was always waiting for him after a long day. Silence was his best friend. He had grown used to it and it had grown used to him. He would never be over powered by solitude because silence would always be there. Luka Kovac was Don Quijote, and silence was Sancho Panza. They traveled together around the world fighting mills of false dreams and giants of disappointment. 

He took a sip of his coffee and looked at the papers on his hands. Just the schedule for the conference. He was feeling a little wild, so he decided to put it away, he wanted to be surprised. Ironic that they served donuts for breakfast at a medical conference. But the American Medical Association never ceased to amaze him. 

He closed his eyes, and dropped his head back. He could still hear the rain as it hit the windows of the convention center. It was soothing, as if, after years of trying, he had finally stopped time. Now if he could find a way to turn it back...

..._"Kerry?"_

"Luka... you were supposed to be here two hours ago, where have you been?"

He let out a sigh, "I, um, I had an interview. Someone offered me an attending position somewhere else... I took it."

"What?"

"I'm leaving in two days."...

"Hey buddy."

Luka opened his eyes to the realization that the auditorium was full. 

"Conference is about to start," a man sitting next to him said. 

Luka shook his head and sat straight, wondering where his coffee went, and hoping he hadn't drooled. "Sorry."

The man looked at Luka and smiled, "If you're already falling asleep you might as well stay home for the next few days."

Luka chuckled and extended his hand, "I'm Dr. Kovac."

"Dr. Jensen," the man said and shook Luka's hand. "Hey, if you wanna go back to sleep, I can take notes for you," he joked. 

Luka chuckled again, "Sounds good."

"Hello?" a man at the microphone said. "Testing, can you hear me?

Various yes were heard from the audience. 

"Well, welcome to this year's AMA conference, I hope you're all enjoying the nice Chicago weather outside," he started sarcastically and everyone chuckled. "If you looked at your schedule then you already know what we have in store for you. This year we are discussing hospital departments and ways in which we can all perform a better job and offer the patient a more enjoyable experience. You'll be hearing about how some of our hospitals and departments have already achieved that goal and what many of you can do to..."

Luka looked around, letting out a sigh. The man in the podium hadn't started talking for 1 minute and he already couldn't concentrate. He looked around the sea of white coats. There has to be a joke somewhere about how many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb. He guessed one screws it in and the other one sends you the bill. But at least he didn't have to give a talk. All he had to do was record the conference, then make a few notes at night. 

He let out another sigh. 

"Wanna sneak out?" Dr. Jensen said. 

Luka shook his head. "I have to report back."

"Me too," Dr. Jensen said. "Reminds me of grade school. My buddies and I used to pay the bookworm of the class and then he'd give us the notes. Meanwhile we were in the gym shooting hoops and watching the cheerleaders rehearse."

Luka shook his head. He liked this guy. "Where are you coming from?" he asked. 

"Denver. How about you?" Dr. Jensen asked. 

"San Diego," Luka said, looking straight ahead. 

"Nice. I hear the weather is always perfect there," Dr. Jensen whispered back. 

"It is," Luka said, but someone from behind shushed them. He decided to really listen to what the man was saying, but his attention span was not working very nicely today. Actually, it hadn't been working at all ever since he came back. But he knew that would happen.

-------------

"Ok, so, go out, eat something, we'll be back here at 1," the man at the podium said. 

Luka stood up from his seat, grabbing his coat with him. 

"I hope they don't think I'll be paying for my own lunch," Dr. Jensen said. 

Luka just shrugged his shoulders. 

It was still raining outside, and he watched as little drops of ice hit the pavement, some rebounding, some breaking, some adding up to the puddles of water. He wrapped his coat around him and looked up at the sky. It was a little warmer, but still cold. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the cold sandwiches they were giving away, but the donut he had earlier had been enough. 

Is there something wrong when you actually miss bad weather? Not that he minded the sun and the cool breeze, but he missed Winters. Snow. As weird as it sounded, it was true. He shook his head, trying to prevent into falling down that precipice that is playing the If game. 

He walked back in, looking around the place. As he leaned against a wall, he opened the booklet he had earlier. A list of speakers laid on the 5th page and out of boredom, his eyes wondered about. He smiled. 'Kerry Weaver- A Hospital Within the Emergency Department'. He wouldn't be missing that one. 

As he put the papers back in his briefcase, he rubbed his nose and looked around. Outside, there were dozens of smokers talking and scattering ashes to the wind. Suddenly, though, this wasn't as bad as he thought this would be. He had already made a friend, and it looked like he'd be seeing Kerry in a while. He wondered how she was. He wondered how everyone was doing. But he would have to leave with that question in the air. That was a question he did not want to hear the answer to. Now did he care to know, or at least he fooled himself into not caring.

He dropped his head, as millions of voices whirled around him, some laughing, some talking seriously, some boring, some exciting. There was a giggle, and life ceased to exist.

_..."Maybe you'd like to... go out, sometime."..._

..."I actually enjoyed losing to you."...

..."You watch me when we make love."...

..."I miss you."...

..."Please don't fall in love with me."...

..."It's too late."...

..."You wanna... move in with me?"...

..."I love you."...

..."I love you."...

..."Goodbye, Abby."...

They left him in mid air, flying, hovering over the heads which surrounded him yet all of a sudden had disappeared. His heart had stopped beating, his lungs breathing. Her hair was longer, but curled, and she was wearing glasses, a conservative suit and a tag which read 'Dr. Lockhart' over her left breast as she talked and laughed with some collegues, oblivious about his presence. Suddenly it was too overwhelming, and everything around him began to spin, like a windless tornado.

He walked out. 

The rain hit him hard like little daggers, digging in his skin and making the pain almost unbearable. He opened the car door and sat down, resting his head on the steering wheel, catching his breath. He must have been there forever, ignoring the conference which had resumed inside, and oblivious to the lack of air inside the car. 

He looked up. 

Small beads of sweat ran through the sides of his face and all of a sudden this all seemed like an over reaction. But he couldn't go back in there. Not after he had worked so hard to put it all behind. 

So he drove. 

Where? He didn't know, but he drove these feelings away, he drove away from the frustration and he drove until it was dark, until he didn't know where he was anymore. It took him 2 hours to get back to the hotel. 

As he threw his bag on the bed, he sat down and grabbed a small menu sitting on the table next to the bed. He wasn't even sure what he ordered, but they promised to get it up there in 15 minutes. 

He laid back, dreaming of a bath, maybe while he ate. His mind was a battlefield. Thoughts against thoughts, poles against poles, positive against negative. He felt like a puppet being operated by the puppeteer that was the past. The more he tried to get free of those strings, the more they made him dance against his will. 

If he could just stop thinking about everything, things would go back to normal, back to the way they were a couple of months ago. But he knew that wouldn't happen, not while he was here, not while he was walking through the same streets where he had walked years ago. Outside, there was a hospital that had changed his life, co-workers that had made him laugh and stomp in frustration. There was a mean little boss who always reminded him of the chicken hawk, and there were good times. There were bad times also. Those seemed to tug at his heart and nearly caused him to cry. 

His life had started a long time ago. He had met thousands of people, too many to get together in one universe. People always hold on to memories and they cherish them forever. He had lived ignoring those nice memories and only holding on to the bad ones. It was one of his vices, and he knew it. It felt better to be down than up. When you're up, you might fall. When you're down, you've got nothing to lose. You're invisible, and blind. You're immortal. 

The telephone rang, but it didn't startle him. He kept looking at the ceiling as he picked it up and put it on his ear. "Hello?"

"Luka?"

He creased his eyebrows, "Who is this?"

"It's me."

He hated the 'It's me'. He sat on the bed, rubbing his eyes. "Me whom?"

"It's Irene, don't you recognize my voice?" she said in a teasing tone. 

Luka looked up, "Oh yeah, I'm sorry," he smiled.

"What's going on over there?" she asked again. 

"Nothing," Luka answered. 

"How's the conference?"

"Boring," Luka said, laying back on the bed. 

"Well if you're gonna be that descriptive..."

Luka chuckled, "I'm just tired."

"Yeah, I just finished a 12 hour shift myself," Irene added. 

Luka just pressed his lips together, but didn't say anything. Suddenly there was a knock at the door and he sat on the bed. "Listen, I have to go."

"Oh," Irene said. 

"I'll... I'll see you when I get back," Luka added. 

"Yeah," Irene said, distant. "Listen, um, we need to talk... when you do come back."

Luka nodded, and another knock made him look towards the door. "Ok."

"Ok, see you next week."

"Bye," Luka said and hung up the phone. With a sigh, he opened the door to receive food that would remain on the tray all night and eventually turn so cold, it would be inedible. The metaphor was all too familiar.

To be continued...


	3. Touched With Fire

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, only the ones I created.

Author's notes: I guess I have nothing to say here. A little surprise in this chapter. I know most of you are a little confused but hang in there, it'll all be explained as the story goes on, I promise. If I don't get feedback, I'll stop writing, just like that. I have the power, don't mess with me :)

Remember that flashbacks are enclosed in three periods (...)

"Touched With Fire" by Carolina 

"You're right about that, Greg. And brace yourselves everyone, because we have one more day, of rain, rain, rain! A low pressure coming from the Great..."

Out of habit, his arm raised by itself and shut off the alarm clock. For a moment, he thought he was back home, so he searched for the remote control on the night stand. But there was nothing there, so he opened his eyes and let out a grunt. 

Oh, right. 

He sat on the bed, looking around the place and trying to wake himself up. It had been a disturbing night of infomercials and Saturday Night Live reruns, and as he walked into the bathroom, he was very careful to not look at himself in the mirror. 

Too late. 

He took a long look at his face. It suddenly seemed like the last time he had seen himself in the mirror was years ago, when he had the energy and willingness of a 13 year old. He could still see traces of that old Luka, if he watched close enough. He could almost hear him, like an alter trying to escape his mind and come out into the world, to see what he had missed, to see if he could fix Luka Kovac. But he would not let him. 

Breakfast was squeezed in between the hotel and the convention center, while he tried to concentrate on the road. He knew eating while doing other things always gave him a stomach ache, but at this point he wouldn't mind a little physical pain, at least those could be cured with a little Tums. 

It was still raining. God, he hated this weather. It was chilling, but raining, not snowing or hailing. As he pulled over, he turned off the engine and just sat there, watching as doctors ran in, covering their heads with newspapers and coats. He waited. 

Then he waited some more. 

The sound of the rain was like a smoothing lullaby, and as he closed his eyes and laid his head back on the seat, he remembered the last time it rained this hard.

_..."What happened? Where is he?"_

"Elizabeth," he said, startled, drained, heartbroken, miserable and completely out of this world. "I, I..."...

A tap on the shield. "Hey, buddy."

Luka opened his eyes and looked out the window, the smiley face of Dr. Jensen covered by a big black umbrella. He smiled. 

"Conference is about to start, we're gonna be late," Dr. Jensen said. 

Luka gathered his things, and opened the door, glad Dr. Jensen wanted to share the umbrella with him. 

"Sorry I woke you," Dr. Jensen said as they began to walk in. 

"I wasn't sleeping," Luka called out over the sound of the rain. 

Dr. Jensen didn't seem to hear that, or didn't give it much importance as they walked in and he closed the umbrella. "I bet you're not used to this kind of weather."

Luka looked out as the rain fell, "A little."

"I've been known to do crazy things, but I'd never work on this damn city," Jensen said as if he had suddenly turned angry at Luka.

Luka smiled, "You have to be out of your mind."

~*~

'Don't look around, don't look around,' his mind chastised over and over. The man on the podium had managed to send the majority of the audience into a deep sleep, and Luka himself was fighting hard to keep his head above the water. Thank God for technology and recorders. 

He shifted on his seat, watching as Jensen drew cartoons of airplanes and soldiers on his pad. He wished he could be soothed by such trivial things right then. 

The microphone screeched, and all the sleeping doctors woke up, startled. 

"Ok, thank you, Dr. Morgan," another man said and the audience clapped weakly. "Why don't you all go for lunch, and we'll meet back here at 1 again."

Luka stood up and grabbed his coat and the sound of hundreds of people doing the same reminded him of the calmness of the sea. The great Pacific had been a good listener, the best therapist.

"Treat you up for lunch at that Mexican place?" Dr. Jensen said as he put on his coat. 

"I don't think we'd be able to make it in time," Luka said, but realized Jensen wasn't even listening to him. Luka followed his gaze and realized the man was just looking at another female doctor. "I'm sure she'd love to, though," he added teasingly.

Jensen gave Luka a weary smile, and walked away, offering the woman his umbrella. 

Luka watched them go and shook his head. Looked like another day of cold sandwiches and old coffee again. There was already a big line in front of the tables, and he doubted there would be anything left when his turn came, so he decided to grab a soda and squeezed his way past everyone, and out the door. 

When he was little he loved rain. Him and his brother would run out and jump in and out of puddles of muddy water. They'd turn on the water hose and drench each other as rubber toys laid around the yard. Then, exhausted, he'd fall back on the ground and looked at the sky as thousands of drops fell on his skin. He'd open his mouth and catch them there, and then swallow the sweet natural rain. It was inevitably followed by his mother's screams and a bad case of a cold. 

But that was different. American rain and Croatian rain were different. But there were many differences between America and Croatia and long ago he had learned not to compare. Both countries were part of who he was and it almost seemed as if home was somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. 

He put his hands on his coat, and sniffed the cold air. As he looked down at his shoes, he couldn't help but notice they were old and ragged. Not a good impression, although most everyone around here didn't seem to be aware he was standing there. 

He was wrong again. 

There was that familiar feeling again, those eyes. Even through a telescope, he could recognize them. Even after a transplant. Millions of voices inside his head begged him to walk away, and other millions were telling him to suck it up. He listened to neither as he turned to his side. 

A burning sensation. Shudder... switch... and the old Luka was back. 

"Thought you could use a sandwich."

He shrugged his shoulders, and was pretty sure he looked like a deer caught by the headlights of a very heavy truck, driven by men he knew wouldn't stop. In a matter of microseconds, he imprinted this memory on his mind. He took a photograph to take back, one that he would keep on the back of his mind for future remembrance. Same height, same weight, longer hair, curled, her voice sounded the same, and like a fool, his eyes immediately inspected her ring finger. Typical ex boyfriend behavior, he thought. 

'Say something, asshole,' his mind said as he watched the sandwich she was offering him. He smiled and took it in his hand, "Thank you."

Abby looked up at him for a brief second, and turned towards the rain, knowing well that even if she fought with all her might to come up with something to say, she wouldn't be able to. His hair was grayer, his eyes tired. He looked taller, maybe skinnier. 

She looked down at her sandwich as she unwrapped the plastic covering, and just listened to the rain, because it suddenly seemed like everyone else had gone inside. They hadn't. 

"How have you been?" Luka asked all of a sudden, unable to look down at her, and kicking the water under his shoes. 

Abby looked up at him, and then towards the parking lot. "I'm good. You?"

Luka pressed his lips together and nodded. "Yeah, good... too."

"Didn't expect to see you here," she added, taking a bite of her sandwich. 

"Change of plans," Luka said. 

Abby closed her eyes and looked down. His accent was nearly gone. That which was once turned every woman in the ER crazy was there no more. Not a fatal loss, but it made her realize 5 years had gone by, or maybe 500. 

"Hey, Ab."

They both looked to their side, where a man waved at her, smiling and motioning to two bottles of juices. 

Abby smiled back at him and turned to Luka and after a few seconds added, "I'll see you around, ok?"

Luka watched as she made some sort of nervous wave with her hand and walked away. "Yeah," he said after she was gone. He looked at the rain again, and wondered if the last 5 minutes had happened or if it had been a memory, a flashback. He frowned, and looked her way again, she was gone. 

One time he had a dream in which Daniela walked into his hotel room, with a bag of groceries in her arms. Suddenly there was a kitchen and she began to make his favorite dish. He stood up, and kissed her, and embraced her for the longest time. It had felt real, he had touched her, he had kissed her, she was there. But it was a dream. 

He wondered if the opposite had happened. He remembered waking up that morning, but he wondered if the rest was surreal.

~*~

Jeremia was a bullfrog. He was a good friend of his. Jeremia could offer him some of his good wine, but he couldn't get him out of this jam. 

"Dammit!" he hissed as he kicked the empty tire of the rental car. Rain was pouring down a in rage, like tiny icicles penetrating his skin. He couldn't do anything else than get in and sit back. 

He could drive anyway, and risk ruining the tire. It wasn't his car anyway. But he decided to sit there for a moment, listening to the silence. He listened until the silence actually began to have a noise, a noise that pressed on his ears tight. Maybe if he slept there, he would save a lot of time the morning after. 

A horn. Damn the horn. He opened his eyes and was blinded by the headlights of a car, and as he put his arm in front of his eyes, they were shut off. An umbrella peeked itself out of the car, and he rolled down the window a little. Great. A minute ago he thought things couldn't possibly get worse. His margin of error was widening to unacceptable levels. 

"Is everything ok?" Abby asked as she tried to look inside. 

Luka motioned forward, "Flat tire."

In an impulse, Abby looked at the tires on her side, but they were both ok. She sniffed. "Do you need a ride?" 

Red alert, red alert. Luka shook his head, "No, I'm just going to call a cab." A white lie never killed anyone. 

Abby looked up and around. It was dark, and the road was practically empty. "From where?"

Rule number one of lying, always make sure your lie is backed up by fake proof. 

Abby squinted her eyes, as if she was looking straight into the sun. "Where are you staying?"

Luka looked up, "Same place."

Abby nodded, feeling her back being sprayed by the rain. "Do you wanna... grab a cup of coffee?"

No, no, NO! He looked at his watch, to maybe give out the idea that he had somewhere to be. But he didn't, and she knew that, but she also knew that she wasn't going to have coffee with just a friend. Damn the way she always found a way to take them both into rollercoaster rides. 

Abby noticed his reluctance, and she wanted to backpedal, but there was a little voice telling her this was it. He would leave again, and they wouldn't be able to say good bye... again. "I just wanted to know what you were up to... but you don't have to."

The sound of the rain was becoming louder and louder. And he let out a small spurt of breath. "Yeah, sure."

~*~

How many times had he gone up these stairs before? Running, walking, tired, carrying groceries, chasing after Abby as she giggled, and he laughed. It seemed like decades ago, yet as he took each step, the memories became more and more clear, more defined, more recent. 

He halls were still painted the same color and so was her door, and it was like re discovering a lost city. She took out her keys, and gave him somewhat of a nervous look. He knew what she was thinking and he was thinking the same, probably not a good idea to go into that apartment again, with Abby, when it was raining outside. He was sure he had seen this scene in hundreds of movies before, and they always ended with the man sneaking out of bed in the morning. 

She opened the door, and the same smell hit him in the face. She still lit the same candles, and her smell was still in the air. It was partially lit, as usual, but there was new furniture. He couldn't help but notice, though, that although the air remained, it was more playful now, more innocent, happier. It made him queasy. 

He walked in hesitantly as Abby put her keys on a nearby plate. He almost jumped when a young girl came out of the room. 

"Hey," Abby said quietly, as Luka looked in ignorance. 

"How was the conference?" the girl asked. 

"Boring," Abby simply said, taking off her coat. She motioned for Luka to do the same and he obliged.

"Well," the girl started, looking at Luka in amusement. "This is my cue then." She put her coat on and grabbed her back pack. "She's been sleeping for 2 hours."

"Thanks, Steff," Abby said. "Do you need a ride?" 

"No, I can take a cab," the girl said. 

Abby walked over and handed her a couple of bills, and Steffanie took that chance to lean over and whisper, "Isn't that the guy from the picture?"

Abby pushed the young girl out and closed the door behind her. She stood there for a moment, with her back against her old place, and turned around with a nervous smile.

Luka raised his eyebrows, understanding her trepidation. "Who was that?" he asked. 

"Uhhh," Abby said, scratching her head and looking around the place, trying to come up with coherent words. "Um, I, um, there's... there's someone I want you to meet."

Luka didn't like the sound of that, but when Abby began walking past him and towards the bedrooms, he slowly followed. She opened the spare room where they used to keep all their books and trinkets and he almost fell back when he realized it was a nursery. 

His stomach clenched. 

Abby walked over the edge of a crib, with an expression on her face he had never seen before. She was radiant, happy, an Abby he had never met. And it added more to her beauty. 

She turned around with a smile and motioned him to come over, but Luka was too scared to see what was inside. He held on to the door frame for a while, feeling... feeling something. Feeling jealous, scared, maybe betrayed. But he gulped that down and did as she told. 

It must have taken him hours, but he finally reached her side. He looked down in trepidation, but his expression eased when he looked at the little figure on the small crib, fast asleep, and looking like an angel. 

"This is Liliana," Abby said proudly, looking down at the baby as well. 

Luka was confused, and... well, confused. He looked at Abby again, "I thought..." he looked at her ring finger again... bare. "I, I..."

Abby let out a soft chuckle. "She's not mine... or, well, she IS mine, but, um, she... I adopted her."

Luka nodded, and somehow everything made sense. He looked down at the baby girl. Well, he could have deducted she was adopted, because there's no way she could have come from Abby herself, unless the father was Juan Valdez. Her slightly tanned skin looked so soft, he felt the impulse to touch it, and her black silky hair had that smell no one, not even himself, could resist. 

He looked up at Abby again, with a questioning expression. "How, how, did you?"

Abby motioned him to follow her out, and turned off the lights. Luka followed her and sat on the couch, and she went to the kitchen to make some coffee. As the seconds passed, he grew more confused, as thousands of feelings engulfed him inside. Mostly, though, what seemed to stand out the most was: why?

... _"Luka... I, I can't have a baby."..._

The smell of brewing coffee made him look up, and Abby handed him a cup and proceeded to seat on the couch he was sitting, but not too close, both on different sides. 

"I didn't plan it," she started as she rested the cup on her thigh and crossed his legs. "Um, I was working in OB one day, and this young girl came in. She, uh, she was in labor, and, uh, I had seen her before. She was 19, and, um, her parents are back in... I don't know, somewhere in South America. She was supposed to be going to college, but, well, her boyfriend got her pregnant, and he bailed out." 

She shook her head, "She was really scared, and every time she came in I tried to reassure her that everything would be ok. See, her boyfriend is white, and, uh, his parents had a moral objection about him dating her, so he just denied the baby was his. She decided to have it, because she thought she would go to hell if she had an abortion." She thought of that for a while and raised her eyebrows. "I was her OB whenever she came in and I was on duty, and I was there through her labor. I knew she didn't want the baby, but, um, I still tried to encourage her."

Luka watched intensely, listening to every word as if they were his own. Everything seemed too unbelievable to him, like something taken out of a book. He was still confused, more than anything. 

Abby scratched her forehead, and took a deep breath, "I came home one day, and, um, there was a bundle in front of my door." She chuckled, "There was a note, and, um, the rest is history I guess. The only thing she requested was for me to name her Liliana because that was the name of her grandmother. She's 9 months and 2 weeks old."

Luka smiled, but he wasn't sure it was a genuine smile. He stared at her long after she finished talking, and she looked almost complete. He knew these feelings were entirely selfish, but he could not help it. As much as he tried to push them away, they kept pushing themselves in. "Um," he shook his head, "How did you..."

"Make time?" Abby asked. 

That was not the question Luka was going to ask, but it was good enough for now.

"Kerry helped me a lot. Um, we didn't know if I could keep her, because you know how social services are about this. I didn't know if I wanted to keep her either." She let out a sigh, "The first thing I did after I saw that baby at my door was to go to the nearest police station to drop her off. I talked to social services and they wanted to put her on a home, and, um, I know how those places are, so I decided to take care of her that night. It only took one night. I just feel in love with her," she said sincerely.

Luka nodded, looking down at her cup of coffee, small little stuffed animals spread across the living room. He took a deep breath and leaned back, a serious expression on his face. 

Abby noticed this and put her cup of coffee on the center table, "Luka, I didn't plan it..."

"I think I should go," he said, standing up. Before he could make it half way through the living room, though, and as if on cue, a soft cry came from the room. 

Abby watched Luka for a moment, the look on her face apologizing for something they both knew what it was, and just walked pass him and into the nursery. Luka stood there for a moment, trying to sink everything in. He knew coming back to Chicago would be painful, but not this painful. He reached for his coat. 

"Hey," Abby smiled as she walked into the nursery, where the baby was sitting down, tears running down her face. "It's ok," she cooed. 

"Mama," baby Liliana cried as Abby stroked her in her arms, and the cries became softer and softer. 

"Shh shh," Abby paced around the room. She didn't even stop when a figure stood at the door. 

Luka watched her, not being able to take his eyes of that scene. He closed his eyes, trying to dominate his own feelings. He wanted to be happy for her, but he couldn't. He felt as if someone had reached inside and taken his stomach out. Life, again, had proved to be unfair. 

He took a deep breath, looking down at the floor, and held it in. "How," he stopped and continued, "We never... talked about..."

"It was a mess, Luka," Abby said, shaking her head. 

Luka bit his lip, looking down. "I wanted this, Abby."

Abby stopped pacing, looking down, the baby asleep on her shoulder. "Me too," she said softly, and then looked up at him, "You left."

There was the stab Luka had been waiting for all night long, and yet he didn't know it would hurt his much. He kept looking down at the pink carpet, so many feelings centrifuging inside of him, that it left him empty. Without looking up, he softly murmured, "I should go."

Abby waited until he was gone to raise her head, and as soon as she heard the door close, she sat down on a rocking chair, and even after the baby slept, she still cooed, mostly to herself. 

~*~

The door closed heavily behind him, and he could feel nothing inside of him but pure rage. Rage ran through his veins, rage was pumped out of his heart and rage was taking over his body. 

Why did this always had to happen? Why did she always made him so damn angry? It was a torture, one he couldn't endure anymore. He sat on his bed, and buried his head on his hands for a few seconds. Unplugging the alarm clock from the wall, he laid back. It took him a couple of minutes to realize he still had his shoes on. 

There was a small fly flying over and over into the light bulb of the lamp. Over and over and over again. He watched it carefully, and a bond was made. Two things would happen, either the fly would knock itself dead and fall on the table, or she would get whatever it was she wanted from the bulb. It was very easy to knock oneself unconscious. Safer, quicker, got the job done... but sad. 

He closed his eyes, feeling his body falling down onto a mahogany surface.

_..."I can't have a baby," her voice was soft, and vulnerable, almost trembling._

"Abby, you don't have to be scared of manic-depression..."

"I can't have a baby, Luka," her voice was stronger, yet pained. 

Luka shook his head in confusion, and hurt. "Why?"

She started to cry. 

Luka reached for her arm, confused. "Abby," he whispered. 

She finally raised her head from her hands, her face soaked. She sat back on the couch and took a deep breath, but the tears would not stop falling. "I, I was pregnant before," she whimpered before gathering her strength. "I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't do it again. But they did something wrong," she said in a stronger voice, almost whispering, as if she wasn't crying at all. "We can't have a baby, Luka. I'm sorry," she whimpered again...

To be continued...


	4. Lonely Bittersweet Rain

Disclaimer: I own zippo.

Author's notes: Do we need author's notes? This chapter is a little boring, but just as important. Remember that flashbacks are in _Italics_.

"Lonely Bittersweet Rain" by Carolina

Light, there's light outside. The sun came out. It was sunny outside? He walked out of the hotel, feeling the warmth melting his skin and suddenly his coat was too much to bear. What happened to the rain? The clouds? The coldness? The pain?

He took a deep breath, the air no longer freezing the hairs inside his nostrils. Sunshine and clear skies are always attached to high moods and a pleasant life. Like those allergy commercials. By taking one pill a day, your sinuses will clear up, clouds will turn cotton white, and skies will be a lovely shade of blue. Side effects include detachment, dissociation, depression and alienation from the rest of the world.

Thoughts of skipping the conference raced through him like a fake rabbit at a dog race. He could just take that rental car, and drive all the way to the beach. He could buy some food along the way, lay on the sand and wait for the waves to hypnotize him, transport him to another time and era, and just be at peace. Well, there were no beaches in Chicago, and there was one reason why he wanted to go to the conference that day. That reason was strong enough for him to buckle up and drive to the right place. 

As usual, he was the first one to arrive. He chose a chair in the middle to camouflage himself between all the other medical practitioners, and he just sat there, waiting for the stampede of doctors to rush in. Every once in a while, someone walked in and sat far away from him, all of them reading newspapers or medical journals. It never occurred to him to bring something to read while he waited. So he sat there, like a gargoyle, guarding his row. 

Suddenly, like a shock of electricity, his body shivered. Like going through a wormhole, he was suddenly in point C without ever stopping on A or B. He looked around, confused at his sudden jerk and praying no one had seen it, if they did, they didn't care. Confusion kicked in, that's point C. 

His hands turned cold, and even though there were only a few people there, all minding their own business, he felt as if he was being watched, closely watched, as if someone was sitting next to him with their eyes glued to his skin. He looked around, and wiped his sweaty hands against his pants. His heart was racing, his skin full of goose bumps. 

Like another lightning bolt, he stood up, almost knocking his chair down, and rushed out. 

The sun was still shinning, nothing had changed, and the crisp breeze prevented him from suffocating. He rested his hands on his knee caps and let his head drop almost to the ground once he was out. Beads of sweat were making their way down his temples and his back. The noise of the city and the traffic surrounded him, but all he could hear was that damn deafening beep again; the sound of silence. The relentless and mortifying beep. 

The hairs on his arms and back were still standing, so he stroked them down and took a few deep breaths. His eyes were moist, and he felt like knocking his head against the wall a couple of times. A few women who were passing by gave him a weird look, so he tried to compose himself quickly. He had never been so scared in his entire life. No, scared was not the right word, he had been scared before. But this was different, like monsters under your bed or a midnight trip to the cemetery. He was spooked, that was the right word. Reason number 1638 to stay away from Chicago...

Now he was scared (the right word this time) to go back in. 

"You're a man, Luka, act like one," he scolded himself. After taking a few steps, he became more confident. "Men are not scared of ghosts."

There were more people inside now, and he found his things under the chair he had occupied before. After looking around for a moment, he wiped the rest of the sweat on his hands against his pants again and sat down.

The air was still dense and hard to breathe, but the presence of a few people around him made it all much better. Still, he wondered if that other presence was still there, looking at him, breathing with him and in him. For years he had prayed for those haunting memories to stop following him. It was one of the reasons why he moved... the farther away, the better. But now that he was back, to the setting of death and desolation, he found himself being wrapped by the truths and consequences of his actions.

Sometimes he wondered why God hadn't taken his life already. He always questioned why misery followed him around so relentlessly, why misfortune always struck those he loved so much. He couldn't remember all the times he laid in bed at night, creating the perfect plan. 

Slitting the wrists is one of the most popular choices among suicidal people. But somehow he didn't want to leave a mess behind. He didn't want to scare whomever was unfortunate enough to find him. That was an image he was sure would stay in your mind forever. Jumping down a window had the same effect, plus, what if he landed on his feet? He wanted to die, not to spend the rest of his life on a wheelchair. 

The most obvious way, him being a doctor, was probably to take a bunch of pills and sleep his way into sweet death. This was the one idea that he liked the most, just close your eyes and hold on tight. The drawback? He had known patients who, while in the middle of consciousness and death, have gotten to their feet and gone for help without knowing it. "I don't remember calling 911." But they did. Apparently when your body doesn't want to die, it finds a way to survive even against your will. So that was another idea he disregarded. If he was going to do it, it would be one attempt and it would **have **to be successful. 

So he thought of jumping off a bridge. The water had always been hypnotizing and inviting. But he knew he'd start swimming impulsively. So many options, so many reasons. But one stood out the most. One of them would end all this in 2 seconds, without the minimum amount of energy. A patient gave him the idea. "A man shouldn't walk around the city alone at night. Give me a call, I'll hook you up with a nice .45. I can get you a permission in an hour, no questions asked."

No questions asked, that was the best part. Why do you need this gun? I was just about to blow my brains out. Great, here you go. Don't forget to tell your friends about us!

It was like seeing himself outside of his body. He saw himself as he entered the small shop, sweating and nervous. He saw himself make the purchase and he saw himself walk out. The more he thought about it, though, the more it seemed like something which must be done. When he first held that gun in his hands, something inside of him felt right. This was the one way he had fallen in love with. This was the vehicle which would guide him back to his family and friends. This was it, one moment, just pull the trigger. How hard can it be? Just a jerk of the finger and boom. If it ever came down, that was it. And it did come down that cold November evening. He had to be stopped. This was the only and final attempt, the one Abby stopped. 

He could still remember that cold night and it still gave him chills. He had killed his family and friends, he had killed a man. Luka Kovac was a murderer. He was already responsible for at least 5 deaths, let alone all the patients who had died under his care... why not one more?

There was no note. The room was clean. Room service had been cancelled. He would do it on the bed; with his head against a pillow. The gun felt heavy on his hands, almost dragging him to the ground. He had cleaned it to make sure there were no other finger prints on it, if he was going down, he was going down alone. Everything was set; he had said his last prayer. He could still feel the cold barrel against his temple, his eyes moist. His eyes closed and everything went black, and the door knocked. 

For a moment he thought of doing it anyway, but the moment was gone. He quickly hid the gun and cleaned his face. 

"It's me."

He recognized her voice immediately, after she had left a thousand messages on his answering machine. Without a single thought in his mind he opened the door as if nothing had happen, or would have happened. 

"Can I come in, please?"

The rest is history. The next day he threw the gun down the river. As he laid there in bed that night with Abby, feeling her breathing against his neck, he thought of leaving Chicago, start anew some place else. He had the same thought every night, whether Abby was there or not. But suddenly one morning, it wasn't his just his life anymore, there was someone else's. As small as it was, there was now a small reason to stay. What would she say? How would she react? He had tried to pull away from her, would she stop him from leaving if he decided to? Suicide thoughts never crossed his mind again; leaving was just something he did in the past. Would Abby like this tie? Would she hate this restaurant? Would she dislike him growing a beard? Would she like it if he started playing golf? Thoughts like these occupied his mind instead. 

Looking back he realized it was an addiction, Abby was the drug. But leaving was not the cure. He still woke up wondering if Abby would like that tie, thinking she'd love the weather in San Diego. After 5 years. Seeing her again was not a relapse. 

But seeing that baby... he wasn't ready for that. He was ready for a wedding ring, a big house in the suburbs, a tall man with a mustache and a nice car. He wasn't ready for a baby. The more he tried to be happy for her, the more he failed. He could have put it behind him if she would have married, but this... it was too much. There were too many questions that came with it, one stood out the most. Why isn't he in the picture?

"You left." Well that was true. He left, he lived on the other side of the country now. He chose to. He chose not to think. People say it's better to rip a band aid off. One motion, and it's over. It's not over, it's not painless. It always comes back to haunt you. It's not that easy. It's an infection waiting to happen. 

Why people choose to do it anyway, he'll never know. Why he left? He'll never know either. He knew the reasons, and when he put them all together it was so overwhelming that even suicide thoughts came back. Life became insipid. The woman he loved was no longer his. His job was pointless. His only friend was gone. 

As he sat there, he let out a sigh and dropped his head back. In this day and age, and you'd think they would have invented a drug that erased your long term memory by now. If they ever did, he'd be the perfect poster boy. 

He looked at his watch, too early. The only noise was that of the air conditioner humming. He thought of his bizarre experience earlier. It's useless. No matter how much you try not to think about something, it's the one thing you think the most. Could there be someone watching him at this very moment? Hearing him? Touching him? The air conditioner shut down and the silence came back. With it, its sound. That beep. That damn beep.

_"Mark? Mark, open your eyes! Starting compressions."_

He still felt the nudging, and opened his eyes. A man next to him pointed to the stage, where they were getting ready to start the conference. "Thanks," he mumbled to the man. 

"No problem."

He had an accent Luka couldn't recognize. The man sat back and never said a word. People should always mind their own business. 

~*~

The sound of conservative applause filled the room, and Luka was the first one to stand up. He waited at the base of the steps with a big smile on his face as hundreds of doctors walked past him. Out of all the people he had seen, Kerry was the only one who looked as if she had rejuvenated 5 years. The spark in her eyes was almost blinding, her smile addictive. She hadn't seen him, and he waited until she had walked past him to sneak behind her. 

"Good presentation, hardly no one fell asleep," he teased on her ear.

Kerry turned around in a bolt with a big surprised look on her face. "Luka!" She threw his arms around him, giving him a hug. "How are you?" 

Luka bent down to hug her, closing his eyes and glad about Kerry's positive reaction. He was about to answer but she interrupted him. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" she said, letting go of him. 

"I, wasn't going to, but the doctor who was supposed to be here canceled, so they sent me," Luka said, playing with his knuckles as they began to walk out.

Kerry looked up at him, watching as he pressed his lips together. The sound of people walking and talking around them was almost deafening, so she almost had to shout. "Do you want to go get some lunch? Catch up?" she asked. "These sandwiches have been in the cafeteria for months, I'm surprised no one has noticed."

Luka smiled, and opened the doors for her, "If you're paying."

"Ah," Kerry quipped. "As soon as they find out you're a lesbian, they want off the hook."

Luka just chuckled.

Kerry stroked his arm hard with a big grin, "God, it's so good to see you again."

Luka smiled his first genuine smile.

~*~

A disturbingly young waitress took their food order, and while trying to remember, walked away to another table. 

"So how's Kim?" Luka asked as he took a sip of his coke. 

Kerry played with the straw of her lemonade, "We're doing great."

"I heard you're all set for life?" Luka added.

Kerry chuckled, "Yeah, basically. Kyle is 5, and Mollie is 3," Kerry smiled. 

"How did that happen?" Luka asked, playing with his straw, a hint of wonderment in his voice.

Kerry shifted on her seat. "Technology. We put our eggs together with a donor's sperm and the first egg fertilizes was used. Kim carried them both."

Luka shook his head, "Wow. Who's the donor?"

"Anonymous," Kerry added. "We asked Romano, but he steadily declined."

Luka laughed at the joke, "Well I'm glad." He took a sip of his drink and looked up. "Which is yours and which is Kim's?" Luka asked. 

"We don't know," Kerry said with a smile. "And we don't wanna know. If someday they want to know who is their biological mother, we'll take a test, but for now we're a big happy family and not knowing actually draws us closer."

Luka smiled, looking down. He twirled the liquid inside the crystal glass in front of him, trying to hold himself back, trying not to ruin the moment. He failed miserably. "Looks like everyone's doing that lately, I might have to jump in and join the fun," he said sarcastically, not a hint of a smile on his face. 

Kerry watched that for a moment, and then looked around hesitantly. "Heard about that?"

"Saw it," Luka said, dabbing his straw against the pieces of ice.

Kerry didn't know what to say, if he wanted to be comforted, listened to, or just kept company for a while. So she decided to gather some more information before making a diagnosis. "You saw her?"

"Last night," Luka said immediately. "She looks happy."

Kerry raised her eyebrows while he was looking down at the table. "She's been doing better since she got Lily."

Luka scratched his head, still looking down at the way his napkin absorbed the clear liquid coming down from his glass.

She waited for another reaction, a sign of life, but got none other than a blank stare which wasn't even set upon her. Something took a hold of her and she couldn't stop it in time. "Luka, if you think it was bad for you, it was hell for her. You just left, without a reason or an explanation. She stayed with Kim and I for a while. Carter almost went crazy, trying to get her to talk. I don't blame you, and I know no one else does. I don't blame Abby or the things that she did in the past. But to this day I look back trying to find an explanation strong enough, and Luka, I can't." She shook her head, staring at him intensely; he still played with his napkin, as if he was being lectured. 

Luka finally moved, "I didn't want to hurt her."

"I'm not blaming you, Luka. I understand that it was too much for you to take. But we were all here for you to help you. And the next thing we know you're gone, and Abby is crying in every corner of the hospital. Why?" she asked emotionally without being accusatory. Now that she had him in front of her, she didn't want to put him against the blade and the wall and give him a spot to escape.

Luka felt like he was being stabbed over and over. He closed his eyes to take it all in and felt Kerry's hand on his. 

"Why didn't you just let us help you?" she asked again, in a more concerned tone. 

He opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was his napkin. So he picked it up and started making little pieces out of it. "I don't know, Kerry. I never thought I'd fall in love again. Abby and I had problems, and we fought and we cried, but at the end of the day I still had this," he showed her all the little pieces in his palm. "And it took me a long time to get this. A lot of moving around and a lot of experimenting, but I finally had it. So it was just enough to say I love you and I'm sorry and then everything was fine. That's how it was with Daniela too, we fought like there was no tomorrow."

He paused for a moment to try and answer her question, although he knew it was futile. "It wasn't one reason, and it wasn't just all Abby. It was just little reasons growing into one. Suddenly Abby was depressed, and I felt out of orbit, and everything started to slip out of my fingers again," he let the little pieces fall to the table and looked up. "I don't know why I left, Kerry. Probably because I'm a coward. Abby left me, and..." he shrugged his shoulders, "I lost my best friend because of a..." he pressed his lips together with rage and calmed himself down. "I couldn't stay here after all that. If I would have, I wouldn't be alive."

Kerry couldn't take her eyes off his face. 5 years, the answer she already knew, the one which left her with the same questions, if not more. She stroked his hand. "I understand that," she said. "And like I said before, I don't blame you, or think any less of you. You did what you thought you had to do and you moved on. Must have taken a lot of strength and I admire you for that. But it doesn't mean I don't regret it."

Luka looked up and to the side, letting out a small sigh. "Thanks, for taking care of her."

Kerry smiled, letting go of his hand. "How are you, really?"

Luka looked up and shrugged his shoulders, "Ok. I have a good job, good friends."

"Good," Kerry said quickly. The food came and they were in silence while the waitress put their plates in front of her. When she was gone, Kerry picked up her fork. "I heard you were in Dallas for a year."

Luka smiled, "You stalking me?"

Kerry chuckled. "I got my connections."

Luka shook his head, "It was too cold, and my boss was a read head, so I had to get out of there," he joked. 

Kerry kicked him under the table and smiled when he complained. "I'm glad you're here."

Luka gave her a crocked smile. "I'm glad you're glad." It was the only truth he could tell, if they both wanted to enjoy the rest of their lunch. 

~*~

The car echoed with Kerry's laughter and Luka's chuckles as he drove, trying to keep concentrated on the road.

"So Kyle says to Kim, 'I have two mommies, can I stay home the day after mother's day too?' It was adorable," she said. 

Luka joined in the laugher, which subsided after a while. "What did you tell them about you and Kim?"

Kerry shrugged her shoulders, "We explained it to Kyle. I mean, he knows enough, but I'm not sure he really understands. Mollie is too small, so we'll wait on that. They still ask questions, though, and we don't keep any secrets." She looked out the window and let out a sigh, "Sometimes I wonder what the effects of not having a father will be, but I couldn't imagine it any other way."

Luka smiled, "Well, they have very good mothers."

"Kim spoils them rotten," she shook her head. 

Luka parked the car, clearing his throat, somehow trying to find a way to change the subject. While he was happy for Kerry, ecstatic, it was a little painful to hear. He found that the parking lot was empty. "Looks like we missed the rest of the conference."

Kerry looked around, "Well, we'll borrow notes," she chuckled.

Luka walked out and opened the door for her. He looked at her petite form for a moment, not having felt this good for a long time. "It was nice to see you again, Kerry."

"You too," she stroked his arm. "When are you leaving?"

He looked at his watch, as if he had a calendar there. "Um, four days."

"Don't forget about us," Kerry said, and began to walk away with a smile on her face.

"Kerry?" Luka called out and watched her turn around, "Is everyone still in the ER?"

Kerry nodded, "Pretty much."

He nodded, "I might visit you there before I go."

"That would be nice," she nodded and turned around.

"Kerry?" Luka called out one more time.

Kerry turned around, squinting her eyes at the light of the sun going down.

"How's Elizabeth?" Luka asked hesitantly, looking down at his shoes. 

Oh boy. But she shouldn't have been surprised. "She's doing well, Luka. They both are."

Luka just played with his lips, still looking down. 

"Luka, she never blamed you, no one did." She walked over, stroked his arm, and gave him a smile he didn't see. "I'll see you later, ok? Don't be a stranger."

Luka looked up at her and smiled, "Thank you, Kerry."

And the sun was gone.

~*~

When he walked back into his hotel room, he found a bottle of wine on the cooler, and a note attached to it: 

"Have to go out on business, can't have drinks with you. Compliments of the house and hope you come back some day,

Don Burke"

He smiled and tossed the note aside. Sweet wine. Came in very handy at the moment. Good year too. The perfect night to get drunk alone. 

He took a quick shower and before getting down to business, picked up the phone first. 

"Hello?" a feminine voice came on the other side. 

"Hey," Luka said, knowing she'd recognize that hello. 

"Hey, Luka," Irene said. 

Luka raised his eyebrows, "Are you busy?" She sounded busy.

"No, what's up?" she said, seeming distant. 

"You sound busy," he said. 

"I'm not. What's going on?" she asked a little exasperatedly.

Luka played with the chord of his phone for a while. "Nothing, just wanted to see how you were."

Irene let out a sigh, "Oh, I'm great. Costas called in sick again today, so I had to cover for him. Not only that, but I have to work on his charts now, which I have right here. I swear, if Tom doesn't fire his lazy ass soon I'm gonna go Neanderthal on him."

Luka smiled. He liked hearing her talk like that, it was cute, because she had the most feminine voice he had ever heard. 

"How's the conference going?"

"Boring," Luka said. He heard her roam around some papers, so he decided to go straight to the point. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

She seemed to take that in for a moment, and then started working again. "I really want to wait until you come back."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Luka almost interrupted her. 

Irene let out a sigh, "Luka, I can't do this over the phone."

"You are, though, right? he pushed. 

Irene let out the same sigh, "Why do you always do this?"

"What?" Luka asked in semi ignorance.

"You always jump to conclusions like that, to make yourself miserable and then it just... makes everyone else miserable too," she said furiously. 

Luka blinked, she was pissed alright. "I just want to know..."

"Bye, Luka," she said and hung up. 

He kept the phone to his ear until the busy signal came on, and then he put it back on the stand. Well, it looks like she'd be going Neanderthal on another person also. 

Without trying to give it much thought, he grabbed the bottle of wine and walked over to the living room, where he turned on the news. A small pop followed by a fizz was heard as he opened the bottle; he didn't even bother to get a glass.

He thought of Kerry. He thought of her questions and everything she had said. Why? It was a bit unfair to ask that question because he didn't know the answer himself. He felt worse now than he had ever felt all those years. He always envisioned Abby getting on with her life, going about as if he had never existed. He never thought she'd cry. The few times she did was in the dark while they were lying in bed, and even that took forever to happen. He never thought she'd have to live with Kerry. He never thought, that was the problem. He never even thought he'd cry about it, or that he would react later on. It just happened.

Why? He couldn't stop thinking about that now. One day he was there, the next he was gone with a simple good bye. Had Abby wondered why also? Probably. Had it made her cry? Apparently. He didn't want that, and he wondered if it was too late to fix it. 

As he took another chug of the wine, he looked over at the phone on the night stand. The alcohol made the decision for him even before the idea made sense. 

Dialing those numbers again made him nervous. For the last 5 years he had dialed them too many times to remember. Sometimes he couldn't make it to the seventh number. Sometimes he waited until she answered to hang up. He wondered if that made him a stalker or just plain pathetic. 

But this was different. This time, he'd talk. She answered on the third ring and for a moment he couldn't find his voice. 

"Hello?" she asked for the second time. 

"Abby, it's Luka," he said nervously. 

"Oh... hey," she said in surprise. "I didn't think I'd hear from you again."

Slap. He looked down at his feet. "Uh, um, I saw Kerry today, and I was wondering if we could talk?"

"You and me?" Abby asked. 

Luka looked around, "If you don't mind."

"What did she say to you?" she sounded mad. 

"Nothing," Luka said defensively. 

She let out a sigh, "Luka, I don't think there's much to talk about, really. And if you wanted to apologize, don't worry about it. Apology accepted."

Slap part deux. "Abby," he said in a sigh. "I just, I don't wanna leave again without us really talking. Please? Let's just have coffee or something."

She seemed to think about that for a moment, but wouldn't budge. "Talk about what?"

Luka curled his mouth. "I don't know," he said ignorantly. "Too many things."

There was silence on the line, as that annoying Barney song played on her background. She finally let out half a sigh, "I was gonna take Lily to the zoo tomorrow, they're closing it down for the winter."

Luka perked up. "That's great! Let me go with you. We can talk, and I can get to know Liliana better."

"She's a baby, Luka, she's only interested in knowing Elmo better," she said. 

"Don't roll your eyes, Abby, they'll stay that way," he smiled, and knew he had made her smile, he could see it. "Is that a yes?"

Abby thought for a moment, weighing her options and battling her own trepidation, at the same time embracing it. "Fine," she finally muttered. 

Victory dance. "Great. I'll pick you up at 8, ok?"

"Sure," Abby said.

He smiled, "Thanks, Abby."

"No problem. You're paying," she said and hung up the phone. 

Pleased with himself, he hung up as well. Looking at the bottle of wine, he decided it would be inappropriate to show up with a hangover, so put the cork back in and shoved the bottle in the mini fridge. 

He sat in front of the television as they mentioned something about floods in Mississippi. He knew that even if he prepared a speech he wouldn't know what to say. And since Abby was just full of surprises, he decided to improvise when the time came. So he sat back and relaxed, feeling that after 5 years, he'd be able to do the right thing, set things straight, and move on with his life.

Point D: Denial.

To be continued...


	5. Rivers of Blue Fire

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, baby.

Author's notes: Oh...My...God. I have never had such a strong case of writers' block. My goodness. But I finally got a creativeness laxative and spilled it all out. It's still a little blah, so a blah warning included for this part. Sorry for the blahness. More secrets revealed.

"Rivers of Blue Fire" by Carolina

"Wake up call for Dr. Kovac."

"Hm hmm," he mumbled and hung up the phone. Damn that conference. The sun was out and making its way into bed with him. Sun, sunny day, summer, warmth, parks, the beach, children, animals, zoos... the zoo. Suddenly he remembered there was no conference that day, and that he would be going to the zoo. A nice day at the zoo with monkeys, and tigers and bears, and the hope that the day would bring good things for the future.

That sent him flying out of bed and into the bathroom. He was showered and shaven in less than 10 minutes. 

He would never know how those valet guys did it, but his car was waiting for him outside already, perfect timing. He wondered if it was too early, and he debated on whether he should have called ahead or not, but it was too late as it was, and he knew Abby always woke up early. Of course, that was Abby the woman without a baby. Abby the mother he found to be much different. Abby and mother. Those were two words he never thought he'd be saying in the same sentence. 

As he drove he realized he was nervous. Not about Abby, everything was lost there. He was nervous about Liliana. He knew she wasn't even one year old, but he was nervous about meeting her while she was fully awake. Not that he was the human Barney, but kids liked him. Well, they loved his nose. But if Liliana didn't like him... somehow then he was not welcomed in Chicago. He didn't know why, but he felt that way. She was Abby's daughter, a baby he had wanted to have, a baby **they **had wanted to have. Good God, why now and not 5 years ago? Timing meant fate, bad timing meant not yours. His hands were sweating. 

As he went up the small steps he instinctively searched for the keys on his pockets, but then remembered he didn't live there anymore, so he dabbed on the buzzer. 

"Who is it?" Abby asked.

A playful smile spread across Luka's face as he got his face close to the intercom. "Luka wants to take Abby and Lily to the zoo," he said in his best Elmo voice. 

There was a pause. "God, I should call security just for that," Abby said and the buzzer went off. 

Luka shook his head and walked in, proud of his lame joke. He took the elevator up and found her door open. He knocked in it lightly, "Abby?"

"Come in," she called from her bedroom. 

Luka opened the door fully and walked slowly into the living room, finding the television on Sesame Street. He looked around. Even with the toys all spread about, the apartment looked clean. It was a nice contrast with all her dark furniture. "Are you ready?" he asked. 

"Just a second," Abby called out again. "Sit down."

Luka punched his palm a couple of times and walked over to the couch. He stopped when he realized Liliana was there, holding on to a teddy bear and sucking peacefully on her pacifier, watching the television. He smiled and sat next to her as Ernie threw Bert a surprise party and they counted their 7 friends over and over with a playful song. 

Liliana looked up at him and he smiled at her and whispered, "Hi."

She hummed and pointed her little finger at the television. 

"Do you want something to drink?" Abby asked as she walked in, fixing her hair. 

Luka immediately stood up, "No, I'm fine."

"You two getting acquainted?" she asked, getting the stroller from behind the door. 

"Yeah." He looked around uncomfortably as Abby put a couple of bottles on a little baby bag. It was all weird enough to make him run away or clap his hands twice to make reality come back. 5 years had certainly gone in a blink, yet his hair had little shades of gray, and he certainly felt more tired. If he didn't look tired, Abby did so for the both of them.

"You don't think it's late, do you? Last day is usually impossible," she broke the silence. 

Luka grabbed the stroller from her hands, "We should be ok."

"Ok, let's go," Abby said as she walked over, put a little hat on Liliana, and waited for the show to end. 

"Today's show was brought to you by the number 7, and the letter N... Toodle-oo!"

Abby turned off the television and threw the remote on the couch, carrying the baby in one arm and her bag in the other. She was about to walk out but Luka didn't move. "What?"

"That's it?" he pointed to the stroller and her bag. 

"We're low maintenance gals," Abby said and walked out. 

"What about a car seat?" Luka asked. 

Abby turned around, "We'll take my car. Let's go."

"Toys, bottles..."

"I've got it, Luka, let's go," Abby said exasperatedly. 

Luka raised his free hand. "Fine, fine. And **I **need to have security called upon." He heard her chuckle and closed the door behind him. 

~*~

If it wasn't for the radio softly cooing a morning song, Luka's tapping on the steering wheel would have drove him crazy by now. He glanced at Liliana through the rear view mirror. He hadn't been driving for 10 minutes and he must have glanced back at her 100 times already. But he couldn't help it. What if someone opened the back door? What if someone broke the window and took her away? What if there was an accident? She was peacefully looking out the window, so he decided to relax and concentrate on the road. 

He glanced at Abby, who was looking to her side as well, but her eyes were closed. She looked exhausted and drained, and he knew why. That first year after Jasna was born he only got around 20 hours of sleep. Between that and med school... well, he could understand what Abby was going through, to an extent. He couldn't have imagined doing it alone. 

People driving next to them probably thought they were a family. A happy family on their way to the zoo. Somehow, if he stopped thinking, he could believe it too. But that was the problem. Eventually you have to start thinking again and when he did, there was a big gap between them that could not be overlooked. 

He looked back at Liliana again. "She's very quiet."

Abby opened her eyes at that and looked back at the baby. "That's because she doesn't know you, give her a couple of hours."

Luka smiled, "Does she talk?"

"She's learning," Abby gave him a tired smile. "She says mama. Effi, that's the babysitter. Nana, that's Maggie. And you know, instead of naming the animals she calls them by the sound they make, like wuff or meow, it's very cute."

The shine on her face could not be ignored. "What about Papa?" Luka asked. 

Abby's wall immediately went up. "Haven't taught her that one."

"Why not?" Luka asked. 

Abby shook her head, she hated him so much every time he asked unnecessary questions. "Because that usually comes with visual aid."

Luka nodded understandingly. "What are you going to tell her?"

Abby stared at him for a moment as he looked at the road. "About what?"

"About," Luka hesitated. "You know."

Abby looked forward, "The truth."

"What if her parents want her back?" Luka asked, and felt Abby jump.

"Look, he doesn't want anything to do with her, and her biological mom is gone. Even if they want her, I have her now, so there's nothing they can do," she said a little bitterly. 

Luka bit his tongue, but it was too late to backpedal. 

Abby shook her head again, and played with the corners of her shirt, "Sorry, I just, I don't wanna think about that."

"I understand," Luka said, pulling into the parking lot of the zoo. 12 Blue. He tried to remember that. "Ready?"

Abby nodded and opened her door while Luka took the stroller out of the trunk. Liliana squealed when she realized where they were; Abby smiled. "Yeah, do you wanna see the polar bears?"

Luka tried to work the stroller. He kicked, and pulled, and pushed, and pressed, but nothing worked. He looked up at Abby, "These used to be so simple."

Abby smiled and pointed to a red lever. She then looked at Liliana, "Uncle Luka is not up to technology, is he?"

Uncle Luka. Bleh. 

"Well, Uncle Luka hasn't done this in 15 years," Luka said bitterly and added an, "Ah-ha!" when he got the stroller to open up. 

Abby went to put Liliana on it but the baby began to protest. "Ok, but mama's tired, so you're going in eventually." 

"Come on, Abby," Luka said as he put the baby bag on the stroller and began to push it. 

"Do you wanna carry her?" Abby asked, offering the baby. 

Luka jumped back a little, as if she was showing him a poisonous snake. "No, that's ok." He tried to change the subject quickly, looking at the small line in front of them. "Not bad." He saw her shook her head and let out a yawn. He sniffed, and tried to be subtle about his questions. On the one hand he wanted to know everything that was happening in her life, mostly if she was dating. On the other hand, he was trying to show indifference. Play it cool. Hard to get. Be a jock. 

He smiled at his pathetic ways. "Are you getting any help with her?"

Abby looked up at him, "Um, the babysitter comes over sometimes. Otherwise it's day care at the hospital."

"How about Maggie?" Luka asked as they approached the window. 

Abby let out a couple of interrupted and very sarcastic laughs as she shook her head.

"Is she taking her medication?" Luka asked. 

Abby nodded, "Yeah."

"So?" Luka asked again. 

Abby shrugged her shoulders. "I grew up with her."

Luka leaned in a little as if to whisper. "She's your mother, and Lily's grandmother, you have to trust her."

Abby played with her lips for a while, looking straight ahead, "It's just hard. I'd die if something happened."

Understood. "So she's back in Chicago, huh?" 

Abby smiled, "Yes. She's visiting Eric right now but other than that she's at my house 24/7." She looked up at Luka with a playful smile, "If you want her, feel free to take her to San Diego with you."

Luka chuckled, "I wouldn't mind having someone there to take care of me."

Abby looked up in awareness. "You're not dating anyone?"

Luka's mouth opened slowly in an attempt to slow time, but he was saved by the bell.

"How many?" the young cashier asked.

"Two adults and a baby," Luka announced, taking his credit card out, which he handed to the lady. As he waited he tapped on the small counter, and he suddenly felt a couple of eyes on him. Sure enough, Liliana was looking at him in wonderment. He smiled at her and pinched her cheek, and she immediately buried her face on Abby's shoulder. Both adults chuckled.

"You shouldn't have her suck on that thing, she'll have a hard time getting off it," Luka added as he signed his receipt.

Abby tried to take the pacifier off Liliana's mouth but the baby held on to it tight. "Well, she came into a family of addicts, might as well indulge her a little." As Luka walked in she closely followed, wishing she wouldn't have agreed on him coming. But no, she could not just say no to him. 

"So what did you wanna talk about?" she asked finally, trying to get to business. 

Luka looked at his watch to take his point across. He then looked at the map he held in his hands, "Look, the monkeys are putting on a show at 9."

"Luka," Abby protested.

Luka dropped his act, "Come on, Abby. We have all day."

"Exactly, we only have one day," Abby said.

"So let's not ruin it right away," he added. They both remained in silence as they walked towards the monkey cages. He looked down at her again. Liliana was resting her closed little fist on Abby's chest, pulling her shirt down too low. 

Irene, Irene, Irene. Luka shook his head. Checking Abby out was probably not the wisest thing. Not to mention he'd slap the heck out of him if she caught him staring. He cleared his throat. "So who was that guy at the conference." 

Ouch. That was even worse. He tried to change the subject or add something to the question to make it more casual, but it was too late, Abby was already talking. 

"Alan?" She looked up at him, "He's an attending in OB."

Luka nodded. Well, he got out of that one safely. 

"Why?"

Or maybe not. 

He shook his head. "No reason." Oh this was ridiculous, they weren't dating anymore, why couldn't he ask? As a friend? That gave him a push. "Are you dating him?"

Abby raised her eyebrows, looking at him with an amusing smile. "No," she shook her head. "Haven't played that game in a while." She looked up at him, "How about you?"

Luka's mouth opened in slow motion again, and again he was saved by the bell when Liliana squealed at the monkeys.

"Right," Abby said as they sat down and the monkeys put on their show. There was no reason for him to answer that question, the fact that he didn't want to was a given.

~*~

"That is too cruel," Abby announced as they walked out of the show. "Those poor creatures."

Luka shrugged his shoulders. To him the monkeys seemed happy, but long ago he had learned that not everything that looked happy was indeed happy. Case in point...

"Been to the San Diego zoo?" Abby asked in an attempt to get him talking about where he lived, which would lead to what he was doing, which would lead to what he had done, which would lead to what he wanted to talk about. She hated the way they were pretending everything was ok, like they were just having a nice day at the zoo. 

She found a small gazebo and sat down, put Liliana on the stroller and gave her a bottle of milk. The baby took it in her hands and began to drink it, looking at Luka again. 

"Not yet, I heard it's nice," Luka said casually.

Abby let out a sigh, looking at him, "So."

Luka raised his eyebrows, not knowing how to start. Truth was he didn't know what he was expecting from this talk. The outcome couldn't be good. He'd know that by digging into the past he'd get Abby upset, or anxious. There were scabs which were too sensitive to remove, and he'd know that would hurt, both Abby and himself. But on the other hand, he wanted to mend things, or at least try. Abby and him had never been the 'let's be friends' type, but maybe, just maybe, they could now.

He cleared his throat, and rubbed the back of his neck, but he couldn't look her in the eyes, and he could tell by the way she was looking at her lap that she couldn't either. That made it a little easier.

"Well," he said with a sigh, "I don't know how to start."

Abby kept looking down, folding and unfolding a baby blanket. "At the beginning?"

Luka smiled, "Ok. Um, first of all I didn't come here to upset you or to say anything that will hurt you, so let me know if you'd rather not talk about some things."

"Ok," Abby nodded. 

"Ok," Luka repeated. "First of all, um, I talked to Kerry and I'm sorry that you had to go through some things alone."

Abby looked up at that, it was not what she was expecting to hear. She was expecting a, 'Sorry I left, will never happen again, let's move on.' If that was the beginning, then this was going to be a long chat. 

"Second," Luka continued. "I left, yes, and that was 5 years ago and I think we've both moved on. But, even though I want to tell you, I don't think I know the real reason why I left." He watched for her reaction, but got none. "I couldn't breathe," he added, and she finally looked up at that. "I lost everything again, and every time that happened, I would just pack my bags and leave, and so it was logical to do that again."

"It wasn't logical," Abby said. 

"Yes, it was. Why would I have to stay?" Luka asked rhetorically. 

Abby shook her head. "Luka..." she wanted to stop this now because she knew it would end nowhere. "Whatever happened, happened 5 years ago. I know why you left, and you know why you left too." She paused for a moment, "I couldn't breathe either."

It was Luka's time to look down. 

"I guess I just... thought you'd be gone for a while and then you'd come back," she added, then let out a sigh. "God, Luka, how many times did we play that game? I'd get angry, and throw you out, and you'd be gone for a few days, and then you'd come back. Or I'd leave and stay with Kerry, and then come back. I guess, I just never though you'd leave for good."

Luka nodded. 

Abby bit her lower lip. "Took me a while to realize you weren't coming back, but I still waited." She laughed sarcastically, "Those days went by very fast, and then I found myself feeling better and better."

Luka's eyes danced around. He was the one who brought them here and now he was suddenly the one who found himself speechless. He still dug deeper into his mind. "Don't say things were better and better. It took me a long time to come out of that catatonic stage." He looked at the baby on the stroller, drinking her milk and looking from Abby to him as if she understood what they were talking about. 

"I **was** coming back," he finally said and watched her look at him with a questioning look on her face. "I did as much as pack my bags and get on my car, but then I'd remember the things you said, and I knew it was over. So I didn't."

Abby looked down again, feeling breathless once more. "It's over now."

"Yeah," Luka whispered.

She looked at him, "So... you go back to San Diego and I stay here."

"Yeah," Luka repeated. 

Abby nodded. "Are you happy there?"

Shit. Don't answer that. "Getting there," he said as casual as he could.

Abby looked down and nodded, "Good. Good for you."

"Yeah," Luka sighed. He saw her wall immediately go up again. It was almost futile, he could never keep it down long enough. That was one of the many original problems. He wondered if Abby would ever let it down for good. When he got that phone call in the middle of a November with the news of Abby's father's death, the wall had been down for three days, but inevitably, it went up again. It was almost a bear trap.

Abby cleared her throat as she stood up; Liliana immediately raised her arms. "Liliana," Abby protested, lifting the baby up.

"Why don't you buy one of those clingy straps?" Luka asked.

"Clingy straps?" Abby asked.

Luka smiled, "You know, like Carol had."

"Tried. They give me a back ache. This stroller was expensive so you'll either have to use it or learn to walk," Abby told the baby, who, with a grin, covered Abby's eyes. She laughed, "No pick-a-boo, I'm being serious."

Luka couldn't help but smile. Usually when Abby said something, she meant it. Now this baby could walk all over her. He would have to ask Liliana for the secret. "Come on, I wanna see the penguins," he said and began to push the empty stroller again.

It actually wasn't as bad as he thought he would be. He wondered if the San Diego zoo was as nice as this one.

~*~

Liliana was finally in her stroller as Luka and Abby walked, both of them eating a hot dog and resting their cups on top of the stroller. Abby was engrossed in gossip, keeping Luka up to date. Every one of her tales made him feel a little bad. Some of the things she was telling him he would have loved to see, mostly Dave-related things. He missed Dave, in some odd way. 

Abby, on the other hand, was having a great time keeping him up to date. "Kerry and Kim decided to take Dave down to Gay Pride on a bet that he could get a woman to 'un-gay' as he put it. All of a sudden we're watching the news at the ER and there's Dave, on a platform, dancing with all kinds of men around him."

Luka chuckled.

"According to him he was drunk, but we have our reservations. We still have the footage," Abby laughed.

"I'd kill to see that," Luka added. 

"Good times," Abby said. 

"Kerry said everyone's still there," Luka added.

"Mostly," Abby said. "All the nurses are. Dr. Benton moved away, and Dr. Finch soon after that. Dave's still there, still single, still hitting on all the female patients," she chuckled. "Carter opened up his own practice in the suburbs."

"I heard he tied the knot," Luka added. After all these years, he was still uncomfortable with Carter being around Abby. He was glad Carter had settled down with none other than Jing Mei Chen. Like water to chocolate. 

"I was the best maid," Abby said proudly. "And the godmother of Alex."

Luka raised his eyebrows. 

Abby smiled, "They have two boys, Alex and Lee."

"Wow," Luka added. "So everyone **does **have kids now."

"Yeah," Abby chuckled, she had forgotten what it was like to chuckle in Luka's presence. The last times they spent together were mostly arguing, and she had been so depressed she couldn't remember the rest. "Something in the water, I guess," she added. 

She shook her head as they walked. There were so many things she wanted to ask him, but did not dare to. Where had he been all these years? With whom? What had he done? What had he seen? Why was he in Dallas? How did he end up in San Diego? Who was the woman he was so obviously seeing? She felt a tingling sensation inside of her. "Shoot, I have to go to the bathroom."

Luka looked around, "Ladies room, right over there."

Abby threw the remaining of her coke away and turned to him, "I'll be right back."

"Wait," Luka protested, pointing at the stroller with a baby inside.

"I'll be right back," Abby rushed away. 

Luka watched her go, and turned nervously to the stroller, then back at the direction Abby went, and to the stroller again. 

"Aww," a couple walked and slowed down in front of the stroller. Luka smiled at them, but at the same time hushed them away. 

He walked around front and picked Liliana up. He didn't trust anyone around here. He waited for the baby to go into a crying spree, but to his surprise, she just looked at him in a questioning way. She pointed in the direction Abby went, and waved her little hand good bye. 

"No, she's coming back," Luka chuckled. He watched as she looked at him again, as if her little mind was trying to understand who was this man she had seen twice already. 

He smiled at her, playing with her little fingers. She was perfect, just absolutely perfect. Her limp hair shone in the light of the sun as she moved, big honey eyes she probably got from her father full of life, gathering information like a hungry predator, her little voice a beautiful song as she tried to learn and pronounce words. He felt something in his throat. This could have been his. This little baby, so beautiful, so perfect... no, Luka, nothing is perfect. No matter how much you try, you can only get close to perfection, everything has a flaw. 

But no kind of resistance could prevent you from playing the If game. No one can avoid the If game. What if he could play another game? Let's play house. There was already a baby, and a mom, but there was a dad missing. A dad who would wake up every morning, and go to work and come back and play with the baby, and go to bed with the mom. He wondered where Lily's dad was. He wondered what kind of man would leave such a wonderful creature behind just because his parents objected. He tried to understand that the boy was young and naive, but no man, no matter what age, should ever leave his kids behind. It made him mad, and uneasy. There was a natural sense of responsibility of his part to want to step forward, but why was this such an easy decision to make?

Liliana made a wondering sound which brought him back from his reverie, and he looked forward, realizing she was pointing at the elephants. "Do you like elephants?" he asked and Liliana grinned in delight. He pushed the stroller and walked over the edge of a small cliff, where the elephants walked around and drank from a fake pond, and splashed themselves with the water.

She looked at Luka, opening her eyes even wider, and as she blew hard through her mouth, she gave big nods, up and down, like an elephant.

Luka laughed, "Yeah, that's how elephants go." He pressed his lips together hard, and blew through his mouth, making an elephant noise. 

Liliana shrieked, laughing as Luka kept blowing on her face. She stopped only to giggle hysterically when he did it again, and she put her little hand on his mouth, covering it up only to let the air out again by taking it off. She was sold. 

"Do you want an elephant?" he asked her, thinking maybe they had stuffed animals on the gift shop. "I'll buy you an elephant if you promise to be good and take care of your mom for me, ok?"

Liliana made cooing and humming noises as if she was having a conversation with Luka, moving her hands around as Abby did when she talked sometimes. It was amazing that even though Abby was not the biological mother, the baby still picked up on all her quirks and mannerisms. 

"I know," Luka said as if he could understand what she was saying.

Liliana had stopped playing and was looking at him with a smiley face. "Mama," she said, pointing again on the direction Abby went.

Luka reached with his mouth and pinned her little finger between his lips. "Can you say Papa?"

~*~

The bathroom was nearly impossible and Abby finally made her way to the sink, where she washed her hands. No paper, great. She shook her hands in the air to dry them up, and they finished drying on her clothes. "Excuse me," she said, annoyed as she made her way through a line of extremely obese women, waiting for an available stall. 

She loved her days off, mostly because she could spend them with her daughter and no one else. There was no one who could come into their home and hurt them. No one who could leave them. It would be Abby and Lily forever, and that was a deal she loved. 

She stopped in her tracks when she saw both her daughter and her ex boyfriend having the time of their lives together. She watched some more, trying to think, to act. She couldn't let Lily get close to Luka. He'd leave again. She didn't want her daughter to have to go through what she went through. Five years ago it would have been a lovely picture, a baby and a man playing and cuddling. Five years later it would only mean more pain. 

Abby finally took a deep breath and walked over. "Ready."

Luka hadn't even noticed Abby was there until she spoke, and he looked at her with that big smile still on his face, Liliana still playing with his nose. "Ok, let's go," he announced in a cheerful tone as he bounced the baby in his arm. 

"I can take her now," Abby said, extending her arms.

"I don't mind," Luka said, not noticing Abby's serious expression. 

With big reluctance Abby just let Luka have Lily while they walked; she couldn't help but glancing at them every once in a while. She knew he wouldn't run away with the baby, but her initial fear remained. Even though Lily was a baby and would probably forget who Luka was in a few days, she would be losing a friend. 

She brushed that aside. After nine months she still couldn't get over this being a mother deal. Everything worried her. If Liliana cried at night, she'd worry to death. If she didn't cry Abby would wake her up to make her cry. It was a constant fear that couldn't be alleviated with anything. Now she was scared Luka would hurt her daughter. Motherly protection, maybe. Paranoia, definitely. 

~*~

No matter how inactive you are when you go to the zoo, you will always end up exhausted. Even when you just go to sit down, somehow the energy is drained out of you. Why is that?

"Luka, I'm dead," Abby protested as she rubbed the sides of her nose.

"Hold on," Luka begged, turning to go into the gift shop, still carrying Liliana. 

"What are you doing?" Abby followed him in. 

Luka smiled, "You don't leave the zoo without going to the gift shop."

Abby decided to let him have his fun. She was beginning to wonder who was the kid, her baby or him. 

Luka found the stuffed animals and picked up a middle sized elephant. Lily immediately hugged it tight. 

"No, no," Abby protested. 

"Come on," Luka begged.

"Luka, she has enough toys," Abby continued.

Luka walked over to the cashier, ignoring Abby. "None from me."

Abby let out a sigh, stroking an empty stroller back and forth. She waited until Luka got his change back, and he finally put Lily on the stroller with her new toy. 

He looked at Abby, "I promised it to her."

Abby shook her head. "You're impossible."

"You're one to talk," Luka added. 

What seemed like hundreds of people were all walking out of the zoo, all making their way to the parking lot. "Are you going to the conference tomorrow?" he asked. 

"I don't know," Abby said. "Are you?"

Luka nodded.

"You know you don't have to," she added.

"Well, I have to report back," Luka said. 

Abby looked forward. "What's your new hospital like?" she allowed herself to ask. 

"It's nice, bigger and more organized," he chuckled.

"Never had an explosion?" she teased. 

Luka smiled, pushing the stroller. "It's too big, a little impersonal, but good if you want to concentrate on your job."

Abby nodded, with one of her hands on the stroller also. "No lesbians?"

"No lesbians," Luka repeated.

"Must be sad," Abby commented.

Luka shrugged his shoulders. "It's a beautiful city."

"I've heard."

"You should visit sometime," Luka added carelessly.

Abby said nothing. 

"I mean, it's a nice place to vacation," he tried to sugarcoat it. 

She still didn't say anything until they reached her car and she put her daughter back on the car seat. She was both physically and emotionally exhausted. Luka just had that effect on everyone. 

As he drove she rested her head against the window, wanting to fall asleep. The good thing about a day at the zoo was that Liliana slept through the whole night and woke up late. Always a plus. 

Luka tapped on the steering wheel again after turning the volume down so Abby could sleep. After five years he felt a little lighter. It still made him sad that this time they'd be saying good bye under normal circumstances. It was sad that he knew she wouldn't visit, and he wouldn't come back. It's always easy to leave when you're trying to run away from something, but how do you leave when nothing is pushing you away? 

But there were still pulling factors. He had Irene. He had friends. He had a little house by the beach. He had a great job and a life he couldn't wait to start living again. He had hope now. 

He looked through he rear view mirror, Liliana was sleeping, so was Abby. For a moment he considered driving around just to let them rest, but he was afraid to wake them up in San Diego, so he pulled into the parking lot of her apartment building. He hesitated before waking her up. "Abby," he whispered and felt her moan. "Abby," he said a little louder and finally got her to wake up. 

"Sorry," she said as she looked around. 

Luka smiled and opened the door, taking her things out. 

"Leave the stroller," Abby said, opening Liliana's door. She carefully lifted the bar of the car seat and took the baby out. Luka followed her quietly to her door. Inside, he waited while she put the baby on the crib and came back to the living room. 

Luka looked around uneasily. "So this is good bye?"

Abby looked up at him, not realizing that. "I don't know."

Luka scratched the side of his face. "Um, I'm not leaving for a few days..."

"I don't know," Abby repeated; Luka nodded.

"I'll call Carter," he added. "Maybe we can have dinner or something."

Abby pressed her lips together, "That'd be nice."

Luka's job was done there, but his feet her stuck to the floor. 

"Listen," Abby added. "Since we're setting things straight, I'm sorry about that time I threw that plate at you," she said sheepishly. 

Luka chuckled, "You throw like a girl."

"And you run like one," Abby laughed. 

Luka threw his hands in the air, "I deserve that." The chuckling continued and he got a little serious. "Kerry says Elizabeth is doing fine. 

Abby turned serious, knowing where this was headed. "Luka, don't torture yourself."

As fast as he went up, he came back down, right against the pavement. He reached for his keys sitting on her table and tried to run away as fast as he could. "I'll call you, ok?"

Abby shook her head. She was mad, furious that he did this to himself constantly. "When are you going to stop blaming yourself for that?" she stopped him. 

Luka dropped his head, hearing the same words, over and over, from everyone. He was still hearing those words. It was painful. Not because of the memories, but because it feels even worse when everyone tried to convince you you're not to blame for something you're obviously guilty. 

"I don't wanna talk about that," he finally said, seeing himself reaching for that door, but his feet were not moving. 

"Luka you made a call," Abby said, looking up at him. "It was the best decision."

"Killing him was?" Luka almost yelled, looking at her furiously, almost hyperventilating. 

"You know that wasn't your fault," Abby said calmly. "If it would have been someone else, Carter of Benton, you'd know you're not the one to blame."

His feet finally caved in, and he began to pace around, rubbing the back of his neck. "It wasn't Benton or Carter, was it? It was me. So don't give me that shit, Abby, you have no idea what it was like to stand there and see him die and then watch Elizabeth's face when she walked in."

"I was there," Abby said. 

"But you're not the one who made the final call," he told her. 

Abby kept staring at him, not knowing that to say.

Luka looked down for a second and turned around, and left without saying a word. A perfect ending to a perfect day.

~*~

The music was excruciating. Sitting down was painful. Staring at the road was killing him... yet he kept driving. He couldn't go back to that hotel room because he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Someone would be watching and he knew he wouldn't be able to shake that away. Better to drive around than to sit on his bed staring at the ceiling. 

He thought of this battle he was fighting. He wondered how it would end. So far he had given everything he could, and he was running out of ammunition. He only had a couple of cards left on the game and he got the feeling he'd lose everything he had. He had lost almost everything he had once cherished so much. 

There was still that card of hope. After all, after his family died he thought he had run out of ammo, yet he found that he had still some left. Maybe God would make him happy again. Maybe happiness was always out west. 

He had always found it out west, where the sun set. 

He almost closed his eyes, and decided to go back to the hotel before he caused an accident. As he dropped on his bed he wondered if someone would miss him at the conference. He knew no one would. He wondered if he was missed anywhere at all. He knew he was, somewhere, because he certainly missed.

..._"Mark?" Luka called out as he walked into the house, carrying a bag of food._

"Just in time," Mark said as he walked out of the kitchen, full of life, full of energy.

"It hasn't started yet?" Luka asked, setting the junk food on the table and sitting down in front of the television, where the pre-game blared through the house.

"No, not yet." Mark put a couple of hot dogs on the grill and waited by the couch as he gave Luka a beer. "No girls allowed."

"We should do this more often," Luka said with a chug. 

"We definitely will," Mark clinked Luka's bottle with his."...

Definitely.

To be continued...


	6. Inside a Box of Rain

Disclaimer: Blah.

Author's notes: Thanks to all those who have dropped a line of adulation. I really appreciate it. This part is a little short, sorry for that, but it was the only way to have good continuation. Hope you like it all the same. 

"Inside a Box of Rain" by Carolina

"As you can clearly see on table two, patient satisfaction about after-surgery care raised incredibly once the buddy system was introduced. We found that patients who have something in common to talk about..."

Luka stared at the ceiling. He wished he had listened to Abby's advice and skipped the conference. There was something nice in the discovery channel he wanted to see and he was missing it. Not that they wouldn't rerun it 3 or 4 times, but inside the conference he felt as if his wings had been clipped away. 

Well, they could take his stethoscope, but they'd never take... his freedom.

He excused himself as he walked past all the long legs and finally made it to the end of the row. With one last glance at the conference, he left. Ten minutes before it ended; he was bad to the bone. It was a nice day, and as he stepped out into the sun, he smiled. He didn't know why, but he felt good. Not great... good. 

He spotted his car on the parking lot and right as he turned on the engine, all the doctors started to come out of the convention center. Oh well, at least he wouldn't be stuck on traffic. 

As he drove he turned up the radio. It was an extremely beautiful day and it was a shame that he would spend it inside closed doors. There was really no one to call and no one to visit. He was still recuperating from the day he had spent with Abby. He found himself physically and emotionally exhausted after he walked out of that apartment. He was still finding it difficult to believe how things had turned up. He never really thought about it until he saw her again. 

Maybe he could go to the hospital and say hello to some of the people who were still working there, maybe chat with Kerry for a while. But the one thing he knew about Kerry Weaver was that she did not liked being interrupted while she worked. He did wonder how Randi was doing. Five years later and he could still imagine her with the same clothes and attitude. He missed the nurses, Chuny in particular. She drove him crazy more than often, but more than often she made him laugh. He missed Lydia's emotional swings, and Lily's sweetness, and Malik's attitude, and Yosh's... and Yosh. 

He never did find a staff like that out west. He was right when he told Abby the hospital in San Diego was just for working. It was. He went there every day, did his job, and went home. No one gossiped. No one dated. No one threw Valentine or Christmas parties. Nothing exciting ever happened. He had come to like it that way better, because there were no distractions, no disasters. San Diego was a lovely city, and he had come to become addicted to his house, and the sounds of the waves that every night put him to sleep. Since he was a kid he had always dreamed of having a house by the beach, and he finally had it, and it was better than he thought it would be. 

He still found it hard to make good friends, but he knew that was his own fault. He didn't want to lose again, so he kept a professional relationship with all of his co workers. It was until Irene came around when he began to loosen up again. It made him sad to think that every time he needed out of a hole, someone else had to dig him out. 

His hotel room was cold, and as he stepped in he threw his briefcase next to the door. The first thing he did was to loosen his tie and turn on the television. The documentary on the Mayans was still on, good. 

The bottle of wine was still in the mini fridge and he dug it out. There were other voices in the room but none talking to him. It felt lonely. There were still so many things he wanted to do, so many people he wanted to see. He had promised Abby he'd call her, but he could not hear her voice at the moment. Somewhere inside he knew it was a mistake to get too close to her. It was dangerous territory but somehow he was drawn to it. He wanted to help her again. He wanted to be there for her and for Liliana. Kerry had Kim, Carter had Jing Mei, he had Irene, but Abby had no one. 

He picked up the residential yellow pages not expecting to find the number he was looking for, but miraculously, there it was. He picked up the phone and while looking down at the page, dialed the same number. 

"Hello?" came a voice. 

"Carter? It's Luka," Luka said very hesitantly.

"Hey! I heard you were back," Carter chimed. 

Luka wrinkled his forehead. If there was one person he was sure would hate him forever, that was Carter. But he sounded rather cheerful and glad to hear from him. That made Luka felt very relieved, and more comfortable. What was it with everyone hearing he was back?

"Yeah, I came for a couple of days," Luka added. 

Carter seemed busy, and sounded as if he was pinning the phone against his cheek and shoulder. There was noise on the background, and a dog barking. "Oh yeah? When are you leaving?" he asked. 

"Um, 3 days," Luka said and frowned, that sounded sad. He shook it off. "Listen, I was calling because I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner?"

"You and me?" Carter asked in ignorance. 

Luka chuckled, "No. You and me, and Abby, Jing Mei, and the boys," he explained. 

"Yeah, that sounds... no, Alex, put the plate down!" Carter scorned and came right back to the phone as if nothing had happened. "That sounds good. Tomorrow?"

Luka smiled, "Yeah."

"You want us to bring som... Oh Jesus! Ow... Look, I gotta go, we had a Spaghetti-O accident here. I'll see you tomorrow. Alex!..."

"B..." Luka didn't have time to reply before Carter hung up. Chuckling, he put the phone back on the receiver and sat back, turning the volume up again. His mind kept wondering, though. He hadn't realized things had changed so much. He hadn't kept in touch with anyone and in his own ignorance he thought time in Chicago would just stop. He thought he'd come back and find everyone in the same position he had left them. But people do move, even when you're not looking at them. They date, and get married, and have kids, and it's real. Also unbelievable. Carter was a dad. He couldn't wait to see that. 

Over the years he had never really been close to men who were fathers. He tried to avoid them at all costs. He envied them. He was jealous of the way they walked around showing pictures of their kids and telling stories about their first words and the night they first walked. He hated it. So most of his friends were pathetic men who in their forties still went to clubs and picked up on women in their twenties. He hated that too. So more than often he found himself friendless. 

That wasn't always the case. He did have a friend who was a father, but it was different. With Mark there wasn't an initial bond, or a long history of friendship. One day they started talking about sports and boom. They started talking more and more and more until they became almost inseparable. Luka did not mind that Mark talked about Ella and Rachel all the time because, well... he had Abby. Mark would talk about Ella, and Luka would talk about his future children with Abby. Three kids, two boys and a girl. He even had names for them. When they found out Abby was barren, it was Mark who was there to put his arm around Luka. When Abby went into her depression soon after that, it was Mark who would come over and help Luka cheer things up. When Luka bought that engagement ring, it was Mark who was there to say the right words. 

He let out a sigh. He missed his friend. A part of him also perished that day. His best friend died in his hands. A thousand adjectives could not describe the way he felt that day. A thousand words could not describe how torturing the beep coming out of the machine was. The hatred he felt towards himself that day was immeasurable, and the two weeks that followed were simply not in his memory. He couldn't remember the time lapse between the second Elizabeth screamed and the second he arrived at Dallas. He vaguely remembered a patient of his who offered him a job somewhere else. He remembered a small interview, and he remembered a good bye. He couldn't remember if that good bye was to Abby. 

And so the down spiral began again. The room began to close in and he couldn't breathe. Not that he deserved to breathe anyway. There was that horrible feeling of being trapped inside a box while it was slowly filling with water, until you drowned to death.

He reached for his car keys and swam out.

~*~

Cemeteries are always quiet. Strangely enough, though, there was always a raven squawking somewhere. The sun was setting and the evening was chilling out. It scared him. It was spooky again. There was an eerie energy in the air and the feeling that all the souls were there, looking at him. The keeper was raking some leaves and Luka asked a couple of questions the man easily answered. 

Luka let out a sigh. His whole body was shaking. He had never been this close to Mark since his death. He had stayed away from his body in the morgue and even kept a big distance with Elizabeth, not that she noticed. 

All the graves were the same, some had flowers in them, some dried roses, some nothing. He wondered if his wife and children had flowers. It had been so long since he visited them, he felt guilty. They must be lonely. Danjiela always liked white roses. After they died he had visited every day with a single white rose, until every day became twice a week, and twice a week only once, and then once a week became nothing. His plane left for another country and there were no more white roses resting on her grave. There was nothing, like all these empty tombstones. People probably walked by, wondering why those three graves were always so lonely. Where is the man who belongs to these graves? 

He shook his head, hearing people talking. He took a breath and held it in when he recognized the chestnut curly hair kneeling in front of a grave. Two curly hairs. He produced the white rose from behind him and bent down just slightly to put it on the grave. 

Mark Greene 

(1964-2002)

Beloved husband, father, and friend.

In darkness, light prevails.

Elizabeth followed the hand which had deposited the rose and found Luka there, and without a single word, stood up and fell into his embrace; he pulled her closer to him. 

"Who is that, mommy?" Ella asked, pulling on Elizabeth's skirt. 

Elizabeth looked down at her daughter and smiled, "This is mommy's friend, honey, Luka."

Luka smiled, "Hi Ella."

"Hi," Ella said in a reserved tone, not looking at Luka in the eye, concentrating on his shoe. 

Luka bent down to her level. He could tell she was shy by the way she ever so slightly pulled her head away from his stare, not daring to look him in the eye. "You know, Ella, I was your daddy's friend too."

Ella looked at Luka at that, and gave him a little smile. "He was a doctor."

Luka stroked her curls, "Yeah, a good doctor."

Elizabeth took a deep breath, "Honey, why don't you go gather some leaves, we can make leave prints." Ella grinned and ran away, immediately beginning to pick all kinds of leaves.

Elizabeth's smile quickly dropped, but Luka's remained, watching as the little girl tried to gather all the leaves she could. She was the image of Mark, was even scrawny like him, but had Elizabeth's hair. As painful as it was to watch, he could not keep his eyes off her. It wasn't until Elizabeth spoke that he reacted to the environment around him. 

"I heard you were back," she said as she began to walk away from the grave. 

Who is spreading that around? Luka followed, "Only for a few days." He could not get away from the tension that surrounded him, and the serene look on Elizabeth's face. She looked tired, almost lifeless, like someone who had been forced to live. She smiled when she heard her daughter sing a song as she skipped looking for leaves, but the tiredness could not be ignored. 

He punched his palm a few times as they walked. "How are you guys doing?"

Elizabeth smiled as she looked at him, "We've been ok, really," she said as she rubbed his arm. "Robert has gone soft on me, so I have time to spend with Ella."

Luka smiled, "She's beautiful."

"Yes," Elizabeth said. She took a deep breath, "It's hard when she asks about Mark, but how can I deny her of those answers?"

Luka nodded, feeling an incredible sense of guilt inside of him. They were doing ok, Ella was beautiful and happy, and Elizabeth had moved on, yet he couldn't help but feeling he had brought all this grief on them. 

As if sensing this, Elizabeth looked up at him all of a sudden, "You left soon after he died."

Luka nodded again, this time looking down at their steps. 

"Why?" Elizabeth asked like an innocent girl. 

'Dammit,' Luka thought. He tried to look for an escape but found none. So he tried to make it as vague as possible. "There was nothing left for me here."

Elizabeth stopped looking at him and looked forward. "I'm glad you were there with him, Luka. You were his best friend."

Luka closed his eyes for a moment, only to bring his head down. "He was mine too."

"It was hard for him towards the end, but every time you came over to watch a game or play pool, it brightened his day," Elizabeth added. "He used to say..."

"Elizabeth..." Luka stopped her, raising his hand in the air and shaking his head. "Don't."

Elizabeth took a deep breath and looked around, Ella following them way behind, still picking leaves and singing to herself.

Luka suddenly remembered why he had come here in the first place, he wanted to mend things with Mark. He wanted to apologize for letting his friend down, for not saving his life, for not doing enough. He had expected a quiet evening in front of his grave, talking to whomever was up there who would listen. He felt he would never be able now.

"I know you gave him those drugs," Elizabeth interrupted the silence between them. 

Luka jumped inside his skin, his fingers went cold and his heart stopped. "What?"

"From the autopsy report," she added. 

Luka shook his head, "Elizabeth..."

"Luka," she interrupted him this time, looking up at him, giving him a smile and stopping in her tracks. "I know what you were trying to do. It's not your fault."

Luka couldn't see her in the eye, and kept looking down. "I should have known."

"There's no way," she assured him. "He would have died anyway."

Luka shook his head in complete denial. "No. He had the right to say goodbye to his family, you and Ella were the last people he should have seen."

Elizabeth put his hand on his arm again, "There was no need to say goodbye. We come here every week, and we still talk to him. I know he's listening, I know he's still with us. And I know we'll see him again some day. There was no reason to say good bye."

Luka finally looked up at her, his eyes almost as sad as hers. He felt like if he didn't contain himself, he'd start crying, and he almost did. But at the same time he felt a sense of relief. It wasn't until Elizabeth embraced him when he let his wall down. He shook his head on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Elizabeth."

"It wasn't your fault," Elizabeth cooed, words that would forever remain on Luka's mind. 

"Mommy look! A heart!" Ella came back running, showing her mother a red leaf in the shape of a heart.

Elizabeth immediately pulled away, trying to clear the tears fast enough. "It's lovely," she said in her most cheerful tone. 

Ella's smile dropped as she looked from her mother to Luka. "What's wrong?"

Elizabeth smiled, "Nothing, sweetie."

"Don't cry, mommy, daddy will be sad," Ella said as if she brought her mother out of this predicament often. 

Luka had to look away to contain the tears and get rid of that lump on his throat. Liquid pain fought to jump from his eyes. 

Elizabeth smiled and pinched her daughter's cheeks. "Everything's ok, honey. We were just remembering something sad that happened."

Ella looked up at Luka and he tried to smile. He tried to look at her, but she looked so much like Mark, he couldn't hold on for long.

Ella looked down for a second as a moment of shyness washed over her and then looked up again with a smile. "I found a heart," she told her mother. 

"Good," Elizabeth said cheerfully. "Say bye to daddy, we're going home."

Ella ran away towards her father's grave and sat down in front of him, stroking the letters and talking to him, a conversation Luka couldn't hear. She then kissed it and continued her walk. 

Luka looked away uneasily and then at Elizabeth as he cleared his throat. "Um, we're having dinner with Carter tomorrow night, do you wanna come?"

Elizabeth smiled and shook her head slightly. "Ella is in a class play."

Luka nodded and joined on the smiling. He scolded himself for looking at her that way, with the eyes of pity. Instead of seeing a woman, he was seeing a widow, and he knew that it was not the only thing Elizabeth was. He also knew that she was a whole person, but every time he looked at her, he saw Mark. In a way, he was glad she wasn't coming to dinner. 

"Thank you for coming, Luka," Elizabeth said as Ella ran past them and towards the car. She stopped and looked up at him. "Mark really appreciates it."

Luka leaned in and hugged her tight, and somehow it felt as if he was being hugged back by four arms.

~*~

An hour had passed after Elizabeth and Ella went home, but Luka remained there, guarding his friend's grave. He kept reading the tombstone over and over until the letters moved around and made no sense. It was dark, and cold, but he couldn't feel anything. If there was one good thing about cemeteries was that no one asked you what was wrong, or why you were sad, or if you were ok. If you were crying at a cemetery, there was no reason to ask any questions. 

From afar, he heard a woman crying as two men escorted her to a car and they drove away. Luka looked at them for a moment until the car was gone and then looked at Mark's grave again. He always did wonder if there was life after death. There had to be. It was one of the things that kept him going, knowing that some day he'd see all those he had lost again. He wondered what that after-life was like. He wondered if Mark was in pain, if he could feel the pain Luka was feeling at the moment and the pain he felt that awful day. 

_ ..."Bp's falling," Lydia announced softly, almost crying. _

"Mark? Mark can you hear me?" Luka yelled over the frame of his friend's body. "Mark, open your eyes!"

There was a silence in the room as the machines beeped, a beep which flowed through time and never ceased to exist. Luka looked around desperately as everyone stayed still, was breathing as if he had just ran 8 miles. "Did you page his oncologist?"

Lydia couldn't tear his eyes of Mark's face, her eyes filling with tears. 

"Did you page his oncologist!?" Luka yelled at her. 

Lydia finally reacted. "Yes, he's on his way."

"How about Elizabeth," Luka asked again, doing CPR.

"Dr. Weaver called her, she's on her way also," Lydia softly cried. 

There was more silence as the machine continued to beep and Luka's mind ran blank. Years of experience and practice leading to a moment of ignorance and insecurity. He tried to think, but the more he tried, the louder the beeping became. "Mark?" he called out again but got no response. Out from all the internal and external turmoil, a word came to his mind, and was blurted out his mouth. As soon as it did, everyone looked at him, dumbfounded. Haleh was the first one to talk. 

"That's still on trial," she protested.

"Get it," Luka mumbled.

"It's only been tested on a few..."

"GET IT!" Luka yelled, beads of sweat running down his nose. He threw a key her way.

The world stopped when someone, he couldn't remember who, called the time of death...

His knees cracked when he bent down, and very slowly his whole body did so, and very softly he deposited a kiss on the grave. "I'm sorry I let you down." His eyes closed and he rested his cheek on the cold cement. There was no reason to say goodbye. 

To be continued...


	7. A Forgotten Fire

Disclaimer: Not mine

"A Forgotten Fire" by Carolina 

With a great deal of reluctance, a lot of pushing and playful manipulation over the phone, Luka finally convinced Abby about dinner at her place with Carter and Jing Mei. In the old days she would have put one playful condition: Luka would have to help with dinner and the dishes. This time she put one serious condition: she didn't want him there with her while they were alone. A condition he readily understood. While he was used to torturing himself to the point of mutilation and he could stand it, he knew Abby always protected herself first, he found that the wrong way. If he had a nickel for every time she pushed him away to keep her guards up, he'd already be set for retirement.

The last conference, although boring and claustrophobic, went by in a second, and after exchanging e-mails with the ever cheerful Dr. Jensen, Luka walked out of the convention center, ready to decline the next offer to go to a conference again. The biggest waste of time, money, energy, and brain cells.

It was still early, so he decided to go to his hotel room to start getting ready. Half of the things in his bag he didn't even remember packing. A pair of jeans had mysteriously appeared on his luggage and that had saved the day at the zoo. He actually had to stop himself and think for a reason as to why there were so many clothes in bags. Initially he had put in a couple of shirts and pants. The same night, Irene showed up unexpectedly to say goodbye. While he sat down and watched the news, he heard her complain about his lack of packing skills and his laziness for not getting the job done a couple of days before the trip.

Irene. During this whole trip he had tried to keep her off his mind. When he came to Chicago he wasn't even sure he'd see Kerry, let alone Abby. Irene was a good woman, a little temperamental at times, but so was Abby. She was honest, and straightforward, the kind of woman who didn't need any taking care off. He liked her a lot. Still, he wondered what she wanted to talk about. Did she want to break up? Was she seeing someone else? He knew whatever it was, it wasn't going to be good. He certainly would never receive a nomination for "Best Boyfriend" from her. If she was going to dump him, well, he probably deserved it. 

Putting that out of his mind and deciding that San Diego issues were to be thought of in San Diego, he stepped into the shower and let the water flush away those thoughts. Funny, because Chicago thoughts were certainly thought of in San Diego as well. In fact, more then often he had to look around to wake up from his reveries and let his mind know where he physically was.

After a warm shower, he stepped out feeling... good. He was in a good mood. After seeing Elizabeth, a boulder had been lifted off his shoulders and now he felt as if he was walking in air. He still missed Mark, and wished things would have been different. But maybe everyone was right. Maybe it wasn't his fault after all.

He walked into the room and turned on the radio. There was an old song playing and as he walked back into the bathroom, he hummed and picked up his razor to get rid of the small traces of hair on his face.

"This is Greg Brown and you are listening to WJMK 104.3 in Chicago, your guide to the best of the 60's and 70's. Remember that the fifth caller after every our receives our CD compilation of the greatest hits of all times, that's at five to the hour, every hour. The time is six o'clock and we're giving you twelve songs in a row. Do you remember where you were when you first listened to this song?" Drums began, and with it the sound of old instruments recorded with even older recorders.

"Do you believe in magic, in a young girl's heart..."

Luka began to bop along to the song, trying to sing. "If the music is groovy... umm, hmm, like an old time movie." Stopping his little dance, he began to shave and smiled to himself. Danjiela loved this song when they were younger. She used to tell him that if she could be born again, she'd do so in the 60's in the United States. As she recalled, it was a time of love and peace and freedom. He always smiled at her innocence and never did tell her that the 60's were nothing like she saw on the movies and pictures of happy hippies dancing at Woodstock. 

One of the things he missed dearly was the music around the house. Danjiela's father would always bring her records every time he traveled to the United States. They had quite a nice collection of old records from The Temptations, Bob Dylan, The Beatles, The Doors, Nat Cole, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones and James Taylor ... all of which were destroyed in the bombing. 

"If you believe in magic, come along with me. We'll dance until morning, 'till there's just you and me. And maybe, if the music is right I'll meet you tomorrow, sort of late at night. And we'll go dancing, baby then you'll see, how the magic's in the music and the music's in me."

God did she have an awful voice. But during the times of the war it felt like heaven to hear something other than guns and bombs going off outside the four walls standing strong to protect them. So whenever Danjiela would start singing, he'd join her. He didn't know who had the worst voice, him or her. Together they'd make all the cats of the neighborhood meow and screech. It was a funny memory, actually. A long time ago he had been mesmerized at the fact that he could tell the difference between the good, bad, and funny memories. For 10 years all the memories had been painful. Now, he could sit down and remember and laugh. It felt great to have fun with his family again, even if they weren't there. 

Well, maybe it wasn't that bad of a song after all. Luka chuckled. The music definitely wasn't in him, neither was the rhythm. 

~*~

As the car sped out of the garage of the hotel, the clock on the dash stared at him intensely. He was early. He knew Abby had asked him to be there on time, maybe even late. But he could not sit at the hotel room any longer, the walls were beginning to close in. He suddenly remembered Kerry, and wanted to call her to ask her over. He wanted to see Kim and meet their kids. But he knew it would be too much on Abby. This was probably the last time he'd see her and Liliana and he didn't want to upset her. So he made a mental note to call Kerry before it was time to leave. 

Time to leave. Leave Chicago again. The first time around he was so numb he could have driven for the rest of his life and never would have felt a thing. This time it felt real. The first time he didn't know the impacts of his departure would be. This time he knew well. While Abby had moved on and was happy with her daughter, he knew his presence was hurting her. Hers was hurting him too. It's like walking around the edges of a thin cone. Every step has to be meticulously planned, and the wrong one can cause you fall into the bottom again, only to climb the slippery walls to the top. He was walking on edges now, yet he could also feel himself slipping. The trick was to keep any kind of emotions away, that always gives you balance and strength.

Not thinking was also good, so he drove faster and decided to at least buy a cake so his early entrance was sweeter. Ten minutes later, he parked in front of her apartment building. She would either have to throw him out or accept his offer to help with dinner. 

The scent of the food was already caught on his nose down the hall and after Luka knocked on her door a couple of times, he had to wait a minute or two for her to open. 

"You're early," Abby protested and walked back into the kitchen. 

"Only a few minutes," he closed the door and put the cake on the table. The television was on Barney, and Liliana sat on a blanket on the floor, watching peacefully with her teddy bear on her lap. He approached her from behind. "Hi, Lily."

Liliana looked up and immediately raised her arms for Luka to carry her, which he did with a grunt, pretending she was heavy. 

"Do you need any help?" he asked as he walked into the kitchen where Abby seemed to be in fast forward. 

"No, I'm fine," she said. 

"You should have let me make dinner, it was my idea," he said as he played with the corners of Lily's dress. 

"I don't mind," Abby added in a normal tone. 

Luka always thought Abby would make a great actress. It was something she had dropped for a while, but it came back to haunt her. But she couldn't fool him. For once, she hadn't looked him in the eyes yet. It confused him because the first night she seemed to be ok with them being alone at her apartment. But that was Abby Lockhart, a concentration camp of emotions. You better be careful where you step of a bomb will go off. So he decided to leave her alone. He sat on the couch, making Lily stand on his thighs. He only heard as Abby put pots and pans in and out of the oven, quietly. He didn't really expect to find the old Abby, but he missed the way she used to sing while she cooked. The first time she did it, he was scared he had opened the door to the wrong apartment. After checking the number on the door and walking in, he quickly smiled when he found her there, cooking and singing. She'd keep humming as she used him as a guinea pig, making him taste whatever it was she was experimenting with. Five years later, the only song came from the television, cheery, but sadly. 

Liliana cooed, and found her way into Luka's neck, grabbing his gold chain with her little fingers. After analyzing it quickly with a hum she immediately put it on her mouth. 

"No," Luka whispered, kissing her cheek and making her sit on his lap.

He read somewhere that babies liked Barney because the color purple attracted them. He had never seen the show before but now that he had been introduced to it, he wondered what the big deal was. Liliana seemed to be having the time of her life, clapping along to the music but Luka didn't get it. The kids were acting horribly, the songs made no sense, and the characters were annoying. Whatever happened to The Muppets?

As Liliana hummed and cooed he deposited a kiss on her head. This very same scene had been kept on the back of his mind and was only retrieved during day dreams and peaceful moments. After he had moved on from his family's death, he'd dreamt about a family. It wasn't really his family, it was a new one. Even out west, he kept thinking about it, craving it. Geographical locations never made your dreams and desires change. That, he knew, made it pointless to run from place to place like a nomad. Yet he ran. It was much easier to give in than to fight. But maybe his life was out west now. It was. Irene had said once that when she was younger she wanted a family more than anything. Maybe she hadn't changed her mind. 

"Shit!"

The exclamation made him jump up and look into the kitchen, where Abby was holding her hand against her chest. "What happened?" he hurried over and put Liliana on her high chair. 

Abby just let out a sigh, looking down. 

"Let me see," Luka walked over, but she pulled away from him immediately and stuck her hand under the cold running water of the kitchen sink. Joining that sound was the banging of Liliana's little hands against the table of her high chair. 

"Do you have a first aid kit?" Luka asked. Bang. Bang. Bang.

"No, it's not that bad," she said. Bang. Bang. Bang.

"It might leave a scar," Luka added. Bang. Bang. Bang.

She didn't say anything, but he knew that look on her face. Knew it all too well. It was all a matter of seconds now. 3... 2... 1...

"Liliana, please!" Abby yelled the baby, who stopped banging her hands against the table and after her little face turned pouty, she began to cry. 

Luka stood in the middle of it all. He ignored the crying baby and looked at Abby. "Are you ok?" he asked but knew he'd get no response from her. 

"I'm sorry, Abby, I shouldn't have made you do this," he took a hesitant step forward. 

"It's not that," Abby threw a dish towel against the walls of the sink, letting another sigh of frustration. 

Luka watched as she lowered her head for a moment and her sigh was drowned by Liliana's cries. "Hey," he walked over, not sure what her reaction would be. Instead of shoving his body against the counter, she just let him hold her and pressed her face against his shirt. Luka remained still as both mother and daughter cried, and he witnessed the effects of single parenthood. 

He closed his eyes and bit on his own teeth hard at the realization that his limbs now felt different. His arms had tingles of ice breaking through his skin and his legs were going numb. The feeling surprised him. He hadn't seen Abby in five years, hadn't felt like this since he drove away. Seeing her cry still made him want to pick her up and keep her on his pocket, protect her from the ugliness of the world. He wondered who was there for her here, in Chicago. Did she have any friends? Did she have someone who would take the world and spin it out of orbit just for her? Like he would? The odds were probably against him. Any man would be an idiot not to see how perfect she was. The odds were against him. He then understood why he had agreed to go to the conference.

The doorbell rang and Abby pulled away from Luka quickly, cleaning her eyes. 

"Go get washed up, I'll get it," Luka said and without a word, Abby walked away. He let out another sigh, rubbed the back of his neck, and picked up Liliana, who was crying alone on her high chair. 

"Shh," he kissed her cheek. "Mommy didn't mean that." Liliana stopped crying and only whimpered, began to suck on her thumb and rested her head on Luka's shoulder. 

The bell rang again and Luka walked over to open the door to reveal Jing Mei, who was carrying a small boy, and Carter next to her, with a bigger boy thrown over his shoulders. 

"Well if it isn't the Carters," Luka smiled.

"Carter-Chens," Jing Mei reiterated as she walked in and gave Luka a careful hug as to not hurt the babies. 

As Luka hugged her he looked at Carter, who mouthed a, "Just Carters."

Luka chucked, "Who's this?"

"This is Lee," Jing Mei said as she bounced the two year old boy on her arms. The boy looked up at Luka and hugged his mother tight, scared.

"So you must be Alex," Luka asked at the boy Carter carried. 

Carter stepped in, shaking Luka's hand. "Good to see you again." He picked up the boy from his shoulders and held him upside down in the air. "Hey, say hello to Luka."

"Hello to Luka!" the boy exclaimed as he giggled upside down. 

"Where's Abby," Jing Mei asked as she set her boy in front of Barney's hypnotizing music.

Luka closed the door behind them and turned around, "She's getting dressed."

Carter and Jing Mei looked at each other and then they both gave Luka the same questioning yet presumptuous look. 

It took Luka a moment to realize what was going on and then he let out a laugh, "No, no, I just got here. She's... she's washing up... getting ready." Finally he just shrugged his shoulders. "Forget it."

Carter nodded, letting his child run amok and putting the issue aside. Alex ran a couple of times around Carter, and after that, he used his arms to glue himself to his father's leg and followed him into the kitchen, where Carter began to look into the refrigerator. 

"Aw, what's wrong with Lily?" Jing Mei asked as she got closer. She tried to take Lily away from Luka but the girl protested with a moan and buried herself deeper into Luka's neck. Luka patted Liliana's back and told Jing Mei it was nothing with the wave of his hand.

As if nothing had happened, a cheerful looking Abby walked out of the bathroom and into the living room, smiling. 

"Nanny!" Alex ran over and threw himself over Abby for her to catch him. 

"Oh, Alex, you're getting too big for this," Abby smiled as she dragged the boy over to Jing Mei and greeted her friend with a hug. 

"Alex, go play with your brother," Jing Mei ordered.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Alex screamed and ran away from the scene. 

Jing Mei let out a sigh and shook her head. "Do you need help in the kitchen."

Abby smiled, "Yeah, I'm almost done."

"John," Jing Mei protested as she walked into the kitchen and found her husband fishing for food in the refrigerator. "Don't spoil your dinner."

Carter let out a grunt and closed the refrigerator door. "I'm hungry."

"Just a couple more minutes," Abby added. 

Carter just grabbed a bottle of water and met Luka out in the living room. "It's like being 5 again."

Luka smiled and followed Carter to the couch. "Welcome to marriage."

"I'm starving," Carter protested but then just gave up. "So how's San Diego?" he asked over the voice of Barney. 

"Warm," Luka said as Liliana sucked on her thumb and played with her own hair.

"We've been meaning to take a vacation, but you know how it is," Carter said, pointing at his younger son, who was seating quietly in front of the television screen. 

"Yeah," Luka answered understandingly. It was awkward to hear Carter talking about "we" and "us". The whole scene at the apartment actually made him feel like an outsider. As uncomfortable as if was, he was glad he could also be a member of the audience, and watch them carry on a show. But, it also felt as if they were all doing the play together, except Luka was the only one who didn't know his lines. 

Liliana shifted on his lap and he realized Carter was still talking about wanting to build a pool on his back yard.

"But we can't take our eyes off of Alex, he's a troublemaker."

As if on cue, the little boy came running, his hands to his sides like a plane, and jumped into Carter's lap.

"Jesus, Alex!" Carter moaned, holding on to his crotch. "What have I said about jumping on daddy like that?"

Alex giggled and knelt next to Luka, whispering in his ear. "Daddy has a penis."

"Alex, when adults are talking..." Carter said, looking sternly at his son. 

Alex made one last attempt at winning his father's heart with a pouty face, but Carter pointed his finger to the floor, and so Alex walked over, sitting next to his little brother.

"Ritalin?" Luka asked. 

"As soon as they give me the ok," Carter joked with chuckles.

Luka watched as father and sons kept their eyes on the show, which seemed to be a tape, a long tape. Alex looked more like Carter than his little brother, but the way in which Lee sat in front of the television, quiet and observant, reminded him also of John. Obviously a very happy family. When Carter was chasing after Jing Mei, Luka was worried. It seemed to him that John was on the rebound, trying to recuperate from his inability to conquer Abby. He was worried John would hurt Jing Mei, and also worried that one day Carter would continue his pursue of Abby. It was a very selfish feeling, one Abby had tried to shake out of him repeatedly. Even after he left, Luka was worried that without his presence, Carter would break Jing Mei's heart and make another move on Abby. Well, not worried, jealous. It was a very rational feeling at the moment. Now it seemed stupid. 

"So what's wrong with Abby?" Carter asked all of a sudden. 

Luka looked towards the kitchen where both women cooked and talked quietly. "I think she's just tired."

Carter shook his head, unconvinced. He knew the real reason, but had promised to be civil. He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself at bay. "I'm surprised she agreed to have us over," he added, crossing his legs. 

"Why?" Luka frowned.

Carter shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I come over sometimes, and she and Deb have lunches and play dates with the kids, but we try not to come over together, all of us."

Luka wrinkled his forehead, unable to understand what Carter was saying. 

After thinking about it, Carter brushed it off. When dropping a bomb, it's best to throw and run. "I don't know, maybe she doesn't mind, but I don't feel very comfortable. It's like we're rubbing it in."

Luka watched as Carter stood up and walked into the kitchen. For a moment Carter went to hug Jing Mei from behind, but stopped himself when Abby turned towards them. Was that the reason why she was upset? Was it hard for her to see other people's happiness? There was no doubt the Carter's were content, and the way Abby immediately walked out of the kitchen to go to the bathroom left him with no doubt that she couldn't stand to see it. 

He suddenly felt that ache in his stomach. For years after Mark had died, he was furious at Abby. At one point he was convinced he even hated her. He was feeling mad again. If she would have said yes when he proposed, he wouldn't have left. He would have helped her get over her depression, and they would have moved on. They would have found a way to survive and create a family.

But Abby had said no. As he held Liliana closer, he tried not to remember that torturing night, but it was always inevitable. He even dreamed of it, nightmares in which he woke up depressed and hopeless. With tears in her eyes, she made him close the velvet box and walked away from him. So instead, he had to find comfort on dirty bars along the road. He had to talk to strangers about a life which wasn't even his own, and he only moved on with a bottle of whiskey on his hand. No. Amazing how such a small word can be so powerful that when muttered, it can turn a life around.

He felt a couple of eyes fixated on him and sure enough, there was Alex, kneeling on the couch next to him, analyzing his face. Luka smiled at the boy.

"Are you my uncle?" Alex asked curiously, balancing himself on his knees.

Luka smiled, "No, no. But I'm your dad's friend."

"Nanny is mommy's friend," Alex debated.

Luka nodded, "Yes, but she's your godmother."

Alex looked confused for a second, working out that math problem in his head, and threw in another one. "Are you Lily's dad?"

Luka raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"Mommy said that Lily's dad went away, are you back?" the boy asked with nothing but a serious expression on his face. 

Luka's mouth opened but he didn't know what to say. He looked back at the kitchen, where Carter was stealing some food from a pot and Jing Mei suddenly hit him playfully. He ate the contents anyway and put his arms around his wife, giving her a kiss. Luka smiled and looked back at Alex. "No, I'm not Lily's dad."

Hearing her name, Liliana squealed, jumping up, reaching for Luka's nose. Luka pinned her little fingers between his lips and shook her whole hand with his mouth, making her laugh. 

Alex kept looking at Luka with a fixed expression. Who was this man? He had never seen him before. The name Luka sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. He was tall. Alex liked it when people were very tall, because they could play airplane better. His dad was tall, and he could lift Alex way high in the air. This Luka fellow was even taller, maybe he could even help Alex touch a cloud! He was nice to Lily and him too. So, without much thought, Alex decided Luka would be his friend. He smiled and continued to rock on his knees.

"So how old are you, Alex?" Luka asked to keep the conversation going. 

"Four and three quarters," Alex said with a smile, showing him the number four with his fingers. 

Luka smiled, "Are you going to school?"

Alex seemed to think about that for a moment, "Mmmmmmmmm, maybe in the summer," he said as if it was his decision to make.

Luka chuckled, the boy did have his smart genes. "How about your brother?"

"Oh, no! He's only two!" Alex laughed. 

Luka joined him. "Why is he so quiet?"

Alex leaned over and whispered on Luka's ear. "He doesn't like strangers."

"Ah. Well, you can tell him I'm not a stranger, because now I'm your friend," Luka whispered back.

Alex immediately got off the couch, and whispered something into his little brother's ear. Lee looked back at Luka with a serious expression on his face. He got to his feet and walked over, inspecting Luka. After a moment, he leaned on Luka's leg and grabbed Liliana's hand, stroking it. Liliana, in return, smiled back at him. 

"Oh, no, they're in love!" Alex announced loudly, laughing. 

Luka laughed, "What do you know about that?"

"They're holding hands, like mommy and daddy!" Alex said, covering his mouth as if it was a big secret.

Luka stroked Alex's hair. The boy reminded him of Jasna, the way she would talk and talk and talk and have the energy to keep three cars running. She'd wake up early in the morning, sneak into Luka and Danjiela's room and wake them up with giggles and tickles. When Luka came home from work, Jasna would get so excited, he'd have to lift her up and shake her hard, and she'd laugh so much he thought she'd never stop. Where ever Luka went, Jasna followed. She was daddy's little girl, always laughing and smiling, smart and innocent. When he decided to get some milk and bread, he left Jasna behind, crying, calling for her daddy. That was the last time he heard her say something, the last time he had seen her conscious, with tears on her eyes, reaching her arms out to him.

He didn't let the memory bring him down. For years he had let them walk all over him, had let them stomp all over his life, to keep their foot down even as he struggled to get up. It wouldn't happen anymore. 

"You doing ok here?" Abby asked as she came out of the bathroom, and found Luka surrounded by kids.

"Nanny, Lee and Lily are going to get married," Alex announced.

Abby laughed, "We're going to have to do something about those names, then."

"Lee, Li, Ly, Lee, Li, Ly!" Alex began to scream and ran away with his arms in the air. Lee let go of Lily's hand and ran after his big brother. 

Luka looked up at her with a smile, "Why does he call you nanny?"

"He couldn't pronounce my name when he was a baby," she shook her hand, and walked over, picking up Liliana. "Hey, I'm sorry, baby," she cooed, depositing kisses all over her daughter's face. Liliana, as if she could understand, put her little arms around Abby's neck, snuggling into her mother.

Luka just watched. When the discussion of having a baby came up, one of Abby's excuses, one of many, was that she wouldn't make a good mother. Later, of course, he realized it was an argument she used to avoid telling him the truth. Everything happened so fast that he could remember it in a blink. As a couple, it took them a long time to find the light and swim towards the surface, away from the deepness and coldness that was their affliction. At first it was Abby swimming, dragging him with her, then it was Luka, trying with all his might to pull her out. For a long time no one tried to swim, and they sank towards the bottom of the lake, cold, lost, and blind. 

Seeing the light and being able to breath was the most heavenly feeling both had ever felt. Together, they had finally achieved that stage in which everything was pure happiness, together. Abby was always smiling, joking around, loving, beautiful. It was as if a new Abby had taken over the old one, and that only made Luka fall in love with her with even more passion. He was surprised when she asked him to move in with her. Was this the same Abby who, with tears in her eyes, asked him, **begged** him, not to fall in love with her? He tried to see it from all angles, think of her every intention, making sure she was doing it for the right reasons. After they were having lunch in the cafeteria one day, and she wrote the words 'I love you' in ketchup on his sandwich, he knew she was.

He had always wondered why Abby wanted to be an OB nurse. She did two OB rotations and finally decided to become one. If Luka couldn't find Abby, he always knew where to look. 

_... "Hey," he caught up with her in the middle of the hall and immediately noticed the grin on her face. "You're too busy for lunch?"_

"With you? Never," she walked a little fast. "But I can't today, a woman just gave birth to triplets, they're adorable."

Luka chuckled as he put his hands on his pockets, following her closely. "Maybe she'll let you keep one," he joked.

"Nah, I'd rather make our own," Abby said nonchalantly, walking, with a neutral expression on her face.

Luka's heart, lungs, and legs stopped dead on his tracks, and stopped Abby with him. "What?" He looked down at her, with a frown on his face.

"What?" Abby asked, clueless.

"Wait, wha-what does that mean?" he asked as a nurse wheeled a mother down the hall. She looked at Abby with a presumptuous smile and continued on her path. 

Luka looked around to make sure none of the gossipers were hiding behind a desk, grabbed Abby's arm and guided her to a corner. "Ab... Abby, do you wanna have a baby?"

A brief, surprised look appeared on Abby's face, for she hadn't been aware of her slip. But her facial features quickly eased and she opened her mouth to say something, only an annoying beep came out. She looked down at her pager and up at Luka. "I have to go."

"A-Abby," Luka called as she walked away from him. 

"I'll be home around 6." ...

And she was gone. He never did know what went through Abby's mind after that. The same night he tried to talk to her about it, but she changed the subject repeatedly and knowing it was thin ice, Luka let it go, keeping an eye open. A week later he found her on the couch, crying, and it was then when she told him about her abortion, about her wanting to have a baby with him, and about her physical inability to do so. She cried so much her face turned red and she chocked on her own air. He could do nothing but hold her there, try to comfort her, try to reassure her everything would be ok. It wasn't until she fell asleep when the reality of it all hit him. 

He was in love with Abby, wanted to marry her, wanted to start a family with her. But Abby had had an abortion. His pro choice beliefs came to the rescue and he was able to put that issue behind him. But that didn't mean it wouldn't affected their relationship. It did. He wondered what kind of relationship she had with Richard that she couldn't be honest with her own husband. He became scared, and confused. Would she be that way with him also? The next day they woke up, and Abby was depressed, and she remained depressed even as he adjusted his rear view mirror and sped out of Chicago. 

As he looked at her now with Liliana, he regretted ever leaving. He regretted not being able to talk to her about it. He regretted not suggesting adoption, or a surrogate mother, or in vitro fertilization. As much as he wanted it, he regretted buying that ring, a false hope for solving all their problems. He knew it was painful for Abby, to have her own body deny her of what she wanted the most, and he was scared. So he remained silent, a silence that changed their lives, a silence that picked him up and guided him to San Diego, and kept him there for five long years. 

"Dinner is ready," Jing Mei announced as she walked into the room. 

Abby heard Carter celebrate from the kitchen and smiled at Luka, motioning him it was time to eat. The boys were sat by a small table, Liliana on her high chair, and the adults around the dining table. 

"I hope all the men around this table know they are washing the dishes," Jing Mei joked. 

Carter, happy that dinner was finally served, only popped a piece of chicken into his mouth. "Not a problem."

"And I hope they also know the dish washer is broken," Abby added. 

"Damn," Carter muttered as he dropped his arm on the table. 

"Can I help, mommy?" Alex asked from his small chair, his mouth full of spaghetti. 

"Can he help, mommy?" Carter asked Jing Mei, pouting.

Laughing, Jing Mei pushed Carter away playfully. "No he can't, he'll break the dishes."

Luka heard Alex protest to himself and stared down at his food. As they began to eat, he watched as the boys made a mess of theirs, Liliana sucked on her bottle, the Carters talked and talked and talked, and Abby played with her food. The same piece of bread cleaned the plate off of marinara sauce over and over again as she dragged it slowly around the ceramic. He kept stealing glances of her as she traveled to her own little world. The last time he saw her like that, it was when Maggie almost died. He always wondered where her mind went when she did that. She had invited him once, but he never had much time to go in.

Suddenly a fork was tapped to a glass and Carter cleared his throat. "Well, I'd like to take this moment to make a couple of announcements. First, we're all glad Luka is here," he said and looked at Jing Mei. "Second, I'd like to reiterate the importance of family. In the old days in which the Mayans and Incas inhabited this here land..."

"Oh for God's sake," Jing Mei said desperately. "We're gonna have another baby!"

Luka gasped without air, looking at their friend's happiness. "Wow, congratulations." He shook Carter's hand and kissed Jing Mei on the cheek.

With a shy smile, Abby stood up to embrace her friends, "That's great, I'm happy for you."

Carter hugged Abby and then sat down on the chair. "Well, you know, I figured the more we reproduce, the more we'll get our hands on the Carter-Chen fortune."

"Liar," Jing Mei said. "He wants the girl now."

"Ok, so I want to have a girl," Carter said. "It would be nice if the boys had a sister. 

Luka, smiling, looked at the couple and then down. He really didn't know what to say anymore, so he kept smiling, filling that void of silence. He was happy for his friends, but he couldn't help but feeling jealous. He was jealous of the way happiness seemed to have taken on the Carters side. He was also angry that he was being ignored by it. His mind had simply forgotten the numerous times in which he had prayed to God for happiness, joy, at least some intervals of satisfaction. But every time he seemed to get just that, it was taken away. For 15 years he had been going up and down the same loop, but never slowly enough to feel at peace. It went slowly once, but surely the cycle continued.

When he looked at Abby to his side he saw himself in her eyes, and knew she was feeling the same way.

"Well, I guess it's our turn to work now," Carter said suddenly as he stood up and grabbed his and his wife's plates.

Luka did the same, and for once, Abby didn't protest. She sat back, looking at Jing Mei longingly, and then took the empty bottle away from her daughter's hands. She picked Liliana up and walked over the living room with her, having her sit on her lap and she turned on Barney once more. She was joined by Jing Mei, carrying her youngest child.

"I can't wait until they get to the age where they realize Barney is ridiculous," Jing Mei protested.

Abby smiled softly, letting a little air out her nostrils. After a moment, she looked at Jing Mei. "I thought you didn't want to have more kids," she added slowly.

Jing Mei shrugged her shoulders, holding Lee tight. "We didn't, but then it just happened, and as John said, we really wanna have a girl."

Abby nodded, stroking her daughter's hair.

"Besides, it would be nice if Lily could play with someone," Jing Mei added, pinching Liliana's cheeks.

Abby opened her mouth to same something quick as a wave of anger and sadness washed over her. When nothing came out, she just looked at the television. She suddenly wished Maggie would be there, to wrap her in her arms and comfort her like she did the first time, when Luka left. 

She looked towards the kitchen as he scrubbed the plates and Carter dried them. Getting over Luka was almost impossible if not completely, because seeing him again immediately brought back all those feelings. Powerless to stop them, she decided to ignore them, and act as if nothing was happening inside of her. When she saw him the second day, she wanted to test herself, see if she could tame her own mind. But that first night, when he left her apartment so furiously, her eyes remained opened for days. She had tried to go to the conference, to work, to the day care center, to bed... all without thinking of Luka, putting him out of her mind. But it wouldn't do. He always found a way to sneak back in when her guards were down. If he wasn't doing it mentally, he was doing it physically, like tonight. 

Carter watched as the blue towel dried the water residues away slowly. He was very aware of the man standing next to him, but didn't know exactly what to say. All the main topics had been covered, and when the old news were gone, you're left with nothing but old news. 

Luka suddenly shifted on his feet, handing Carter a plate. "It was nice that you could come."

Carter nodded, coming out of his reverie, looking up at Luka. "Yeah," he said, waiting for Luka to say something else, but Luka remained quiet. "Listen," he started seriously. "I'm not gonna lie to you. When I heard you were back, it really bothered the hell out of me."

Luka blinked a couple of times, looking down at his job, taking all of that in. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted.

"No, let me finish," Carter jumped in. "I know you had your reasons, and I respect that. But it still doesn't change the way I feel about it. I'm trying to be civil because Deb wants me to, but I thought you should know anyway."

Luka looked at him, seriously, at eye level. He wanted a rebuttal, but found Carter interrupting him again.

"Like I said, you have your reasons. I've had time to cool off, and yeah, it was bad for you mainly. I don't know how I would have reacted if Deb turned me down, so I can try to understand what it's like to be on your side," Carter said, and looked up at Luka. "But the thing is that she didn't want to say no. I don't know why she did, and that's between you and Abby."

"Carter," Luka added, but Carter interrupted him yet again.

"I know that she wanted to marry you, Luka. She never talked about it with me, but I know she did. And these past five years..."

"Carter," Luka said definitely. "I really don't wanna talk about it."

Carter nodded, knowing Luka would never open up to a man who almost stole his girlfriend, but he was hoping he could at least send a message. He shrugged his shoulders, putting a cup down on the counter. "It's just that I don't like seeing her sad like that."

"Me neither," Luka added, working faster.

Carter looked up, "But you can do something about it." He watched as Luka stared at him as well, and Carter hoped Luka would understand what he wanted to say, what he needed to hear, what needed to be done. He had promised his wife he would stay away from the issues that affected Luka and Abby, but after tonight, it was a promise he would have to throw out the window. Both Luka and Abby looked as if they were being restrained behind glass, confined to small spaces. Sitting next to each other during dinner, it was evident to Carter that they wanted to touch each other, to be one. But they had **both **done many mistakes, too many to fix with a touch, or an embrace. Carter knew the predicament well. Going up is too exhausting, too hard to handle. But going down was misery, a torture. And finding the middle is harder than both being up and down. He came across that when he found out about his feelings for Deb. She had been such a wonderful friend, for so many years, and he didn't want to ruin that. But he wanted more; he needed more. So he found himself going up and down, exactly where Luka and Abby were, only they were also thousands of miles apart.

Everyone jumped up when a cup suddenly fell off the counter and smashed to the floor.

"John," Jing Mei protested as she walked in. 

"It was an accident!" Carter said.

"Daddy!" Alex rain in.

"Alex, stay over there," Abby said as she grabbed a broom.

Carter looked at Luka with half a smile and chuckled, "I'm sorry, Abby, I'll buy you a new one."

"Don't worry about it," Abby said as she picked up the last of the glass.

With a sigh, Jing Mei grabbed the towel from Carter's hand and snapped his legs with it. "Get out of here, we'll finish."

"Nah, that's..." Luka said but Carter elbowed him on the ribs. 

"Well, if you say so, honey," Carter kissed his wife and walked into the living room

Luka looked at Abby as if asking for permission, with the bottle of soap on his hand.

"That's ok," Abby said, grabbed the bottle from him and began to help Jing Mei, still not looking him in the eyes. 

Luka watched her for a moment, trying to put Carter's words into place. The night was starting to give him a headache, and suddenly he wished he was back home. This was all too painful. Abby didn't want him there, and he had no where else to go but San Diego. Carter was mad at him for something he had no idea what he was talking about and time had simply changed things too much. He was tired of being in the audience, he wanted to leave the show.

Suddenly the sounds of Carter screaming and children laughing came from the living room. He found John on his back on the floor, trying to balance his younger boy in his legs.

"When you don't feel safe at home, when you're scared to go out, when the streets are no longer yours, don't fear, because you can always count on...." Carter announced seriously.

"SUPER LEE!" Alex jumped up and down in excitement. 

"Super Lee!" Carter repeated, picking up his younger son and lifting him up in the air. "A blood thirsty baby with justice on his mind and milk on his taste buds," he added with a trumpet. He stood on his feet and 'flew' Lee all over the living room.

"Now me, daddy!" Alex jumped up and down, trying to climb his father. 

Luka looked from one side to the other, finding no way out. Even Liliana was in on the fun, crawling around the living room and rocking herself back and forth on her hands and knees. 

Jing Mei heard from the kitchen and turned her head around, "No Wonder Alex tonight," she called out.

"Mom!" Alex protested from the living room. 

"John, they're gonna throw up all over you," she added and heard her three men protest. With a chuckle she went back to the dishes, throwing side glances at Abby. When some time passed and her friend didn't say anything, she decided to use this as her opportunity. 

"Are you ok?" Jing Mei asked, concerned.

Abby looked up and gave her a smile. "Yeah," she said a little cheery.

Jing Mei raised her eyebrows, a little scared of falling on the mouth of the wolf. "Uh, no, um, I mean with Luka here."

Abby's smile immediately faded and she continued to clean on the dishes. "Yeah," she said in a tone which indicated she would continue, but she didn't.

Jing Mei looked at her again, and then down at the cup she held in her hands. She knew if she continued to press on the issue Abby would react the wrong way. Luka would leave anyway, so there would be plenty of time to talk about it later.

"Oh, no!" Carter yelled and his lament was joined in with the laughter of his two sons.

"What happened?" Jing Mei asked.

"Lily threw up!" Alex said in a fit of giggles. 

"All over my new shirt," Carter walked into the kitchen with the baby on his hands and gave her to Abby. 

Jing Mei grabbed a towel and began to scrub on her husband. "I told you."

"None of the boys threw up," Carter protested. 

Abby gave Carter another towel as Liliana hung from her right arm. "Sorry, Carter," she said and left the couple there, walking towards the nursery.

"Do you need help?" Luka asked in an attempt to escape the room. 

Abby jumped up at his voice, and turned around with a fake smile, "No, that's ok."

Luka stood there and watched her enter the nursery, and close the door behind her. 

"Now me! Now me!" Alex jumped in front of Luka, begging him to carry him. 

Luka did, but not in the way Alex wanted him to. He walked over and sat on the couch, with the kid on his lap. "Do you have a girlfriend, Alex?"

"Ewwww!" Alex made a face, grabbing Luka's pen and playing with it. 

"Yeah, ew," Luka answered. He looked towards the kitchen, where Jing Mei was trying to add a better scent to the shirt with soap. 

"Deb, that's making it worse," Carter protested. 

"Stop moving around and maybe I can fix it," Jing Mei added. 

Luka looked at Alex, "Maybe you'll be lucky like your dad."

"I'm gonna be an artichet," he said proudly. 

"Architect?" Luka laughed.

"It's just a shirt, John, let it go," Jing Mei said as she waked into the living room.

"It's my favorite shirt," Carter protested, following behind.

Jing Mei looked back in reluctance, "You just bought it, how can it be your favorite?"

"The new ones are my favorite," Carter said as he came down to her eye level.

"Alright," Jing Mei nodded looking down at Luka. "We should go before John's shirt is taken away by social services."

"It's silk," Carter protested.

With a chuckle, Luka stood up and handed Alex to Carter. "I'll go get Abby."

"No," Carter said immediately. "It's ok, just... tell her I'll call her."

Luka stopped, looking down at the ground, where a smaller boy was sleeping under the table. "Ok." He took the baby out and handed him to Jing Mei. 

"It was nice to see you again," Jing Mei hugged him and walked towards the door. 

"And next time you're in town, give me a call," Carter said, shaking Luka's hand. "And I do mean that."

Luka nodded, "I will."

"Say bye to Luka," Carter asked Alex.

"Bye Luka," Alex said, offering his small hand to the tall man who could make him touch a cloud.

"Be good, Alex," Luka shook his hand. The guests didn't say anything again, and only opened the door to have Luka close it. He stood there for a moment, leaning against it. He had seen most of his friends, and he didn't feel good, not one bit. Melancholy began to climb up his body like a misty fog, and he looked at the floor, confused, wondering if he was sad because he'd have to leave, or disappointed that there was no place for him in Chicago. 

As he tapped on the doorknob, he looked around the room, debating on whether he should leave or find Abby, say goodbye the right way. As he thought of his future days back in San Diego, he realized he'd be hitting himself over the head repeatedly if he didn't.

The room was almost dark except for a baby lamp which rested on a small night table by the wall. He opened the door slowly, cautiously, and found Abby there, resting her arms against the crib and looking down at Liliana. For a moment he thought of leaving her alone and going to the hotel. But it bothered him that the whole night had been an act. Not a play in which he didn't know his lines, but a long scene Abby had put up for everyone. 

"Abby?" he said softly, not wanting to wake the baby up. 

Abby straightened up quickly and looked back at him. "I'll be right there."

"No, they're gone," Luka said, holding the frame of the door with one hand and the knob with the other. 

"Oh," Abby said, removing some hair out of her face. 

"Are you ok?" Luka asked, one foot wanting to move forward, and the other back, and just making it seem as if he was rocking back and forth. 

"Yeah," Abby said and just resumed her watching. 

"No you're not," Luka said. He finally walked in, and stood next to her, not too close, in front of the crib. He looked at the sleeping baby, whose only sign of life was the rapid movement of the pink pacifier on her mouth, and then at Abby. He didn't even bother to wait for a response from her. 

"What's wrong, Abby?" he asked again, but she wouldn't even move. "Do you want me to leave?" he asked hesitantly. 

Abby closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. 'What's wrong', stupidest question she had ever heard. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out, and so it seemed like she had just taken a deep breath. She let it out slowly and looked at the ballerina painted walls, shaking her head. "I'm just," she said and stopped there. 

Luka waited for her to continue, but the silence was killing him inside, so he jumped in. "What was that about? Tonight?" he asked, looking down at her, but his stare not being reciprocated. "Is it because of me?"

Abby took a deep breath immediately and let it out as her body sank in lower, knowing there was no use in lying. "Of course."

Luka looked around the room for a moment, as time seemed to stop, silent, motionless, until Abby broke it. 

"What's her name?"

Luka looked at her and asked, "Who?"

"Your girlfriend," she added, staring down at the crib.

"Irene," he said lowly, bitterly, the word losing all its charm, all the charm that was his girlfriend. 

"Do you love her?" Abby asked. 

The moment reminded him of one they had shared long ago, when he was also hopelessly chasing after his past. He shifted on his feet, not wanting to answer that question, not knowing what the repercussions would be. 

"I, um," he started hesitantly.

"It's ok," Abby reassured him, bracing herself against the crib. If he muttered out the worst, then she would have to move on with her life, and that thought terrified her. 

Luka moistened the inside of his upper lip. "We haven't been together long." There was a silence in which if she hadn't been standing in front of him, he would have thought she left the room. It wasn't until she let out a sigh when he realized he was still living.

"Luka why did you have to leave?" she let out with a breath of pain. 

Luka caught some air and left it in his lungs for as long as he could. Even though pain would make this a sleepless night, he wanted to get everything out, and he wanted answers as well. 

"You know why, Abby," he responded in a raspy voice. 

Abby shook her head, the moist in her eyes making everything clearer to see. 

"You didn't want to marry me," Luka added almost shyly, almost not wanting her to hear it, but at the same time wishing she had. 

"That's not true," Abby said quickly. 

"You said no," Luka said accusingly, trying to compress his emotions so they wouldn't burst through him in a bolt of rage. 

Abby looked up at him for the first time, with a look of disbelief. "Luka, you gave me a ring because you thought that would cheer me up."

"I loved you, Abby," Luka said, raising his voice a little. "I wanted you to be my wife. I wanted a family with you." He watched as Abby looked down, the first tear falling silently into the carpet. "We could have adopted, Abby," he added, looking at the sleeping baby. "We could have found a surrogate mother, there were other ways. But I wanted to be your husband, that's why I proposed."

"It would have been worse," Abby protested.

Luka raised his arms slightly off his sides, "How?"

Abby bit her lip, trying to gather a rebuttal for a trial she was losing. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "The timing was wrong, Luka. You only proposed because you thought it would make me happy. I didn't need a wedding, I needed time. I wanted to heal. When I realized I wanted a baby... it was the happiest moment of my life. I wasn't scared anymore. I wanted to have a baby with you." She hook her head and looked around, smiling sadly. "Then I couldn't. And I knew how much you wanted to have children, and that made me scared again."

Luka closed his eyes and looked down. "Abby, I never..."

"And when I told you," she continued, interrupting him. "You were supportive, but I knew you were disappointed. And you didn't tell me, Luka. Why didn't you tell me?"

Luka kept looking down at the carpet, only hearing her crying voice. He blinked some moisture away and continued. "I didn't want to hurt you." He looked up at her saddened face. "I still wanted to marry you, Abby."

"But not for the right reason," she added. 

Luka looked at her, at the baby in the crib, and at Abby again. "So now what?"

Abby tried to look at him, but ended up looking at the rocking chair instead. "Now you leave again."

Luka felt as a big knife dug itself deep into his heart, almost coming out the other way entirely. He stood there for a moment, waiting to die, to be consumed by this whirlwind of emotions, to have God revoke the punishment he had bestowed upon his birth. When that didn't happen, and tears began to burn the corner of his eyes, he walked over, and turned around at the door, holding on to its knob.

"I came back because I still love you, I realized that tonight. And you know what else I realized? I'll always love you. And I love that baby, you were right, it only took one night, she's perfect."

Abby wanted to say something, anything, make him stop because he killed her slowly with every word, but she couldn't talk, move, or think. She could only hear as he did what Luka always does, make her feel as if she wasn't from this planet. Her front teeth were pressing against her lower lip hard and her eyes felt moist. When she looked up, he saw that Luka was crying also. 

"I left because I can't live without you. Maybe I'm a coward, or just a fool, but I can't see you everyday knowing I can't have you with me. I hope you understand that, because it still hurts me, everyday." He looked down, and shrugged his shoulders as he wiped a tear off his nose with his thumb. "I'm sorry, Abby. I hope you find someone who loves you as much as I do, because you deserve it."

He didn't want to look at her face. He wanted to erase this memory forever. With bricks attached to his old shoes, he left her apartment, heading for a lonely, cold, and uninviting hotel room. Maybe the trip was not a mistake after all. He finally said good bye, to everyone, even the woman who still held his heart in her hands, and would hold it forever. 

As he walked out of her apartment building, the cold Chicago air hit his face like a slap, drying the remaining lingering tears. He looked up at the tall building, trying to see if her window was lit, if she was there, asking him to come up. There was nothing. So he kept walking, not even remembering where his car was. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to go up and tell her he wouldn't leave this time, that he wanted to raise that baby with her. But as he spotted the rental car from afar, he was already thinking of catching an early flight to San Diego.

A stranger once said, "It's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all." The joy that is love makes the heart live forever, yet the anguish that comes with it burns through it like a powerful acid; slowly, painfully, until one day you wake up, and there's nothing there but the memory of what was once eternal life, and an empty, cold, and hollow cavity resting painfully within your chest. 


	8. Praying for Rain

Disclaimer: Only the ones I created...

Author's Notes: Don't adjust your computer screen, folks, this is the 8th part of Fire and Rain. I know! I have no idea how it happened. I went to bed last night, and little elves crawled out of every crevice of my apartment, heading towards my computer. When I woke up, this part was already written :) Enjoy.

"Praying for Rain" by Carolina

Every little grain in a long stray of sand is important. They say if every grain of sand decided they didn't want to be a part of the sea, there wouldn't be an ocean at all! That's how important every individual is. No matter how big or small; white or brown; round, squared, or deformed, every single one of them collaborates to make the beauty that is the ocean.

Luka heard that story hundreds of times growing up; from his parents, from his grandparents, from his godparents and teachers. Every time Luka seemed to be lost, wondering what his role on earth was; when he wanted to give up, the answer came back invariably, "If every grain of sand decided they had no role on earth, where would the ocean be?" The metaphor didn't make sense until the war broke out, until he saw what his role on earth was, until he was a witness of his abilities. If there was no Luka, many more people would have lost their loved ones, many more people would have died. 

But Luka held no concern for sand at the moment. He was only glad he could feel it between his toes, squeezing it against his foot and the sandy ground. The shore was cold, announcing the proximity of winter. But the temperature felt right, an odd source of comfort. 

When he was a child, he would go to the beach with his father and brother and just lay down on the sand, squeezing it with his fists only to release it, and squeeze it again. It was a stress reliever, although there was nothing to be stressing about at 7. His father hated it. He was one of those men who always carried a bottle of water with him. Not to drink, but to make sure no one brought sand into his car. All lined up, one by one, he'd wash their feet and hands, removing every single particle. It used to irritate Luka, to have his friends see his father washing his feet as if he was a baby. But that, he decided at an early age, was much better than to have his friends see his father whacking the side of his head for getting sand on the car. 

Having a father who was obsessively compulsive about sand was the only concern on his mind as they drove home. In the present, he was actually wishing he could have that again, exchange the worries he had back then with the ones he had now. He wished sand was his only nemesis, an enemy that could be kept away easily with water. He prayed hard for his father to come running towards him with a bottle on his hands, to wash all the sand away from his feet. He knew he wouldn't be getting what he wanted, yet he prayed.

His body felt heavy as he faced the ocean, feeling the cool breeze as it embraced him whole, as it rocked him to sleep. He thought coming back to San Diego would make him feel better. That he'd find his dear house, surrounded by his dear ocean under the perfect weather, and comfort would pay him a visit. But that had not been the case.

The sea was furious, and the sky gray. It made the water jump up in the air like dolphins, and splash all the way down again, only to do the same over and over. He hated it when the sea was like that. He loved the ocean with an immeasurable passion, but he couldn't stand to see it the way it was at the moment. The waves were not rising up together, traveling towards the land to cover the shore. Instead, chunks of water were raising up, and coming down again. The sight even disgusted him. Yet he couldn't be anywhere else.

His house was empty and quiet, and at least outside he could be deafened by the sound of the madness of the waves. He let out a deep breath, thinking of his trip, trying to plan a future. Five years had turned out to be only five seconds. He thought he had actually moved on and the past would be just that, the past. But somewhere down the line, the past had become the present, and the future had been erased. The gray in his hair had blossomed in the blink of an eye, and the sun in the sky had remained high in a calendar in which memories had prevented the moon from flying up to the great vertical extent.

When Tom had asked him about going to a medical conference in Chicago, Luka's initial reaction had been to lie. "I can't, I have too much work backed up." But when Tom had offered to take on the extra work for him, Luka had been left between the blade and the wall. He nodded a noncommittal yes, and as he drove home, the possible repercussions of his trip began to sink in. He would be going back to Chicago, where it all began. Where he said goodbye to Carol; where he killed a man; where he fell in love, only to be stolen of his soul again. A trip to Chicago. As much as he had vowed never to go back, he found himself anticipating the journey. God was a witness of his knowledge about the unpleasant possibilities. Yet he walked into the plane so willingly, one might have thought he was going on a vacation.

Standing in San Diego again, thinking of the previous week, he began to wonder where it all was heading. Where else could he possibly go? How much can a person run before he reaches the end of the line? He had made it to the Pacific Ocean. There was nowhere to go but down. The future had been overshadowed by the past, and until the present wouldn't gather the strength to set it free, he could do nothing but stand there, restricted by the waves. 

Hatred began to consume him inside. Not hatred for Abby, or Carter, or Kerry or Irene; hatred for himself. Hatred for being a fool, for hoping. People kept encouraging him to stand up and keep walking. There are so many times a person can be knocked down and left for dead before they stay dead for good. He thought everything would be ok when Abby came along, but he had been wrong. Should he submit himself to foolish thinking again? Should he allow hope to take over his heart once more? Danjiela had led him to Carol, and Carol to Abby. His strength had been weaken with each shift; his heart tricked. He had three strikes against him. But would Abby lead to Irene? Had Carol been a foul ball?

He looked up at the sky, but the sun was not there to blind his eyes, to help him cry. He desperately needed the rain to start falling. At that very moment, he only wanted God to baptize him with sweet, natural rain. He looked down at his feet, his toes emerging from the golden sand. If he took a grain and destroy it, would the ocean disappear? Of course not. If something happened to one little grain of sand, the others wouldn't even notice. As he turned around and headed towards his house he began to ponder: if Luka Kovac was taken over by silence and solitude, lived in reclusion... would the rest of the world even care?

~*~

"Mama," Liliana said as she crawled over, used the couch to get to her feet, and held on to it as she stretched her arm towards her mother. "Mama," she repeated again to get some attention as Abby's eyes glued themselves to a sitcom, her face monotonous. 

She finally heard her daughter and with a slight smile, looked down at Liliana and picked her up in her lap. "What's the matter?" she asked, only to have Liliana squeal and drop her little head between her mother breasts. 

Abby chuckled slightly, kissing Liliana's head. "I love you too."

Liliana pulled back to look at her mother with adoring eyes, and let her little body fall against Abby's again. 

Abby put her hand on her daughter's head, stroking the silky hair over and over. An uncontrollable urge to cry came over her, but she brushed it off, kicked it away. There was no reason to cry, and it wouldn't solve anything. She was alive, with her daughter. There were more than enough things to be thankful for.

There was a knock at the door, and as much as Abby wanted to sit there forever, and avoid any kind of interpersonal relationship, her body automatically stood up, dragging her daughter with her.

"This better be good," she called out when she was a couple of feet away from the door. With a lazy energy, Abby opened it up to reveal her mother, with a huge grin on her face, and carrying what seemed like millions of bags.

"Guess who's baaaack!" Maggie sang as she stood there, one arm raised in the air as if she was posing for a magazine. 

Abby frowned a little, and Liliana began to get excited on her arms. "Mom..."

"Oh, Abby, I'm so glad to be back," Maggie added as she threw all her bags on the floor. She then walked over, and pulled Abby by the neck, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She then bent down to Liliana's height, letting out a playful gasp. "Are you going to say hello to grandma?" she said in baby talk and grabbed Liliana away from Abby, walking with her towards the living room.

"Mom..." Abby let out a grunt as she tried to pull the bags over inside. "I thought you were coming back in two days."

Maggie, bouncing a giggling Liliana on her arms, looked back at Abby with a huge smile. "You know, Eric is so busy, Abby. I just didn't want to be a burden anymore."

Abby raised her eyebrows slightly, looking at her mother. "A burden? You?" she muttered sarcastically as she bent down to pick up the rest of the bags. When she was finally able to close the door, she looked down at all the luggage on the floor. Putting her hands on her waist, she looked at her mother. "Mom, why didn't you leave all these at your apartment first?"

"Because, I brought gifts," Maggie said simply and cheerfully. She frowned spontaneously, leaning her body forward a little. "Abby don't be such a grouch, you'll get wrinkles."

Abby simply let out a little air through her nostrils and looked to the side. As it turned out, even medicated, Maggie was simply too cheerful for Abby to keep up with. It was something that scared her at first, but after numerous surprise lithium level tests, she simply had to deal with the fact that her mother was a morning person, and an evening person, and a night person. Abby secretly envied that drive, that optimism. While she was a 'glass is half empty' person, her mother was a 'glass is to the top'. When Abby was a girl, she tried to do everything differently from her mother. If Maggie said yes, Abby said no. If Maggie went up, Abby went down. If Maggie slept, Abby stayed up. If people found out they had things in common, perhaps it would reinforce the belief that they were mother and daughter. No. Maggie was not Abby's mother. Her real mother died in a car accident when Abby was a baby and Maggie was simply an aunt who was raising her. 

The lie went a long way, until Maggie found out, and made Abby tell all of her friends the truth. When the anger dispersed, Abby found her mother crying alone on her bedroom. Another depressive episode? Abby always knew she had caused Maggie's tears. Yet as her mother's pain made her feel miserable, she tried to keep her chin up. She _had_ to keep her chin up. Night after night, she went to bed muttering her mantra, "I am **not **manic depressive. I am **not **manic depressive. I am **not **manic depressive..." 

So, Abby's pessimism had been adopted rather than inherited. She hated when Maggie was manic with a passion she didn't know she had. Her mother's feelings of grandiose, of beauty, of confidence and euphoria had embarrassed Abby in more ways than one. At an early age she decided she would be Maggie's opposite. So much was the conviction that Abby's plan became Abby, and it followed her throughout her life closely, and ruined it more than once.

"You're getting so big!" Maggie exclaimed as she deposited kisses all over the baby's face. 

Abby walked over and sat on the couch, crossing her legs and watching Maggie and her baby. Maggie finally had a grand daughter, and it seemed that her mother was truly happy. How can being a grandmother make someone so happy? And how come being a mother didn't make Abby so? It was another thing Maggie seemed to be good at, and she didn't.

Maggie sat on the floor with the baby in her lap and began to play with the baby's toys, both giggling. "You know, I was thinking maybe we can go to Disney World next summer," Maggie said, with her back to Abby. When her daughter didn't answer, she turned around to ask, "What do you think?" Only a small smile lingered when she saw Abby, looking straightforward into nothingness.

"Honey, are you ok?" Maggie asked, pulling Abby out of her world. 

Abby's head jerked up a bit and looked down at Maggie. "What?" she asked and quickly added, "Yeah, fine." Clearing her throat, she stood from the couch and walked immediately to the kitchen to put the remaining of a simple dinner away. 

Maggie picked up Liliana in her arms and followed Abby, resting against the counter as Abby washed some dishes, avoiding her stare.

"What's wrong, Abby," Maggie asked in a serious tone.

Abby shook her head slightly, trying to concentrate on the dishes. There was one thing she hated the most about relationships, and that was when people could look right through her. She knew Maggie was reading her like a children's book. No matter how much she tried to close the pages, they seemed to open with the wind when Maggie was around. It happened with Carter too, and with Luka. It was like pushing walls. But it irked her the most with Maggie, because she hadn't been a mother, she had been someone Abby had to take care of. When Abby had questions, Maggie's answers were either absent of reshaped by madness. So when Maggie decided to move to Chicago, and for the first time in her life Abby had a 24 hour mother, all hell broke lose. How could she get into a mold which didn't hold her shape? How could she get used to Maggie worrying about her? Making decisions for her? Being right? Five long years and she still couldn't. 

So there were no secrets to keep anymore, she decided. Maggie knew too well. 

"Luka was here," Abby said without much thinking, scrubbing on a plate.

"What?" Maggie whispered, surprised, her heart actually beating faster.

Abby cleared her throat again. "He... came for a conference," she mumbled.

"What happened?" Maggie urged on as Liliana cooed and played with her necklace.

Abby shrugged her shoulders and gave her mother a dry smile. "He left." Her arms fell to the side, producing a slap, and she grabbed a towel to begin cleaning the table. 

Maggie bit her lower lip, and immediately set the baby on the high chair. She looked at Abby for a second, trying to think of what to say, what to ask. Five years of speculations, of questions, of pep talks, of encouragements. It was one of those moments which required to heat up the pop corn and take out the ice cream. But Maggie knew it was still thin ice, very thin and slippery. Abby never talked about Luka, never even gave out any references. The little that Maggie knew was that Luka had moved away to Dallas because Mark had died. That he wanted to get married but that Abby didn't love him. Everything else she kept a secret. Whenever Maggie would try to ask Abby any further questions, her daughter would simply use any means to avoid telling the answers.

"What happened, Abby?" Maggie asked again, in a more authoritarian way. 

Abby stopped what she was doing, looking down. "He left," she repeated in an almost inaudible tone. 

"Honey," Maggie whispered, rubbing her daughter's back. Maggie jumped back when in return, Abby rested her head on her mother's shoulders. Her arms quickly embraced Abby, stroking her hair. She felt overwhelmed by her daughter's sudden hurricane of emotions, and confused. But trying to put two and two together didn't take her two and two seconds. 

"Abby," Maggie said, pushing her daughter off her, looking her in the eyes. "You were in love with him?"

Abby just nodded, looking down, and closing her eyes tight when her mother pulled her into her chest again.

Maggie embraced Abby tighter, almost crying herself. "Abby why don't you call him?"

"No," Abby cried. 

"Honey..."

"No," Abby repeated stronger.

Maggie pulled back and grabbed Abby's upper arms, staring straight into her eyes. "Is he married?"

Abby tried to avoid Maggie's stare, and just shook her head no. "He has a girlfriend."

Maggie stared at her daughter with honest pity. Sometimes Abby's inactivity frustrated her to the point of anger. She knew she was the reason as to why Abby often stayed at the bottom, only looking at the top with desire, but never reaching up. She should have felt guilt instead of anger, which is why she promised she would always do what was best for Abby, try to compensate for all those lost years. 

"Abby," Maggie whispered. When Abby didn't look at her, she grabbed her hand. "Abby, don't make the same mistake I made."

Abby looked at her at that, but not the way Maggie wanted her to. "I've heard that story too many times, mom."

"You know it's true," Maggie added as her daughter picked up Liliana and walked away from the kitchen.

Maggie followed her into the nursery, adding sternly. "Abby, your daughter needs a father. You haven't been on a date in years."

"I don't need a man to help me with that," Abby mumbled as she began to change the baby's diaper.

"Yes you do, honey. You do!" Maggie added with passion. "What are you going to do when she asks you who her father is?"

"I'll tell her the truth," Abby added.

"And then what?" Maggie added, waiting for an answer, and got none. She lowered her tone of voice and got closer. "Abby, children need a father." 

"**_I_ **didn't have a father," Abby said defensively.

"Yeah, and you turned out **_so _**great," Maggie said sarcastically. 

Without saying anything, Abby picked up her baby, gave her a pacifier and put her in the crib. Closing the door behind her, she went to the living room, turned off the television and began to clean the rest of the apartment as anger began to consume everything inside of her.

Maggie stood in the nursery for a moment, looking at the closed door. She walked over to the crib, and kissed Liliana's head. "Go to sleep, honey."

She found Abby in the kitchen, cleaning up, and stood there for a moment before she said something. "Sorry. I'm sorry, Abby. I- I didn't mean that."

"Yes you did," Abby said casually as she cleaned the table. 

Maggie walked over some more, trying to cup Abby's face with her hands. "No, honey..."

"And it's true!" Abby exclaimed looking at her mother through angry eyes. With a mirthless chuckle, she clapped her hands once and began to pace around the kitchen. "I mean, look at me, I can't even keep a man down..."

"Abby..." Maggie followed, trying to stop her.

"It took me, what? Two years to open up to Luka? And that makes it, how many, mom? Three, four guys who leave? Forget it, I'm not... I'm not, just dating anymore. That's it for me. I have a daughter, I don't need any sperm. And even if I did..."

"ABBY!" Maggie had to yell, holding her daughter's face. "Shut up and listen to me," she hissed. "You are a grown woman, Abby. You have a daughter, who needs a father. You think she doesn't, but she does. Even if you never get married again, what are you going to do with yourself when Lily goes to college? When she gets married and moves away?" Maggie asked, but Abby didn't answer. 

She let go of Abby's face, but continued talking. "Abby, do you think it's easy for me? Going to bed alone every night? Honey, I don't want that for you."

Abby shook her head, walking away. "I can't do anything about Luka."

"You can call him. Just to talk, honey, just talk," Maggie said.

"He's the one who left, mom. If he wanted to stay he would have stayed," Abby added, turning off the lights.

Maggie pressed on her lips tight, wanting to cry, watching as her daughter took the same steps she took, and not being able to do anything about it. 

"Besides, he's seeing someone," Abby added in anger.

Maggie tipped her head to the side, following Abby with her eyes. "Abby, even if you don't call him, please, go out with someone, get yourself a boyfriend."

But Abby didn't reply. She ignored her mother and turned off the lights of the kitchen.

Maggie threw the towel, and began to pick up her bags, leaving the one containing the gifts. When the silence began to escalate into tension, she decided to stop it. "Abby, did he leave or did you ask him to leave?" Maggie asked calmly, resting her hand on the door knob, looking at her daughter's dropped head. 

"Forget about Luka, mom," Abby replied.

"Why? Because you can't?" Maggie added, and didn't wait for a response. She left her daughter behind in the darkness, accompanied by anger, regret, and fear.

~*~

How do you clean a ceiling? Do you just find a bucket and a mop and maneuver to clean upside down? Or do you just throw a towel repeatedly onto it, trapping the dirt with it?

Luka's could use a cleaning. As he laid on his bed, it was all he could think about. Maybe tt was because his eyes were wide open, staring at the ceiling of his room. But he knew that if he closed his eyes, he'd have to start thinking again. No, this was much better. Maybe he could call some kind of cleaning company to stop by. Maybe he could hire a cleaning lady to do the work for him. There were spider webs on the corners and around the lamp. He didn't think they did it with a hose, right? That would flood the room. 

His eyes found a chair in a corner, next to his desk. Maybe if he deep cleaned the whole house, the thoughts would stay away. If you're not trying to think about something, does thinking about not thinking about it counts as thinking about it?

In the middle of the long equation, he heard the door open. 

"Luka?"

Luka closed his eyes, and without much thought called out, "In the room."

He heard her steps approaching, one by one, closer with each passing second. When he raised his head he saw her there, always looking like a Polynesian princess. Her hair was down to her waist, and her face was serene, with a smile pasted on it; her dark eyes looking down at him. 

"When did you get in?" Irene asked as she walked over, and laid down on the bed next to him. 

"Last night," Luka added, putting an arm around her and kissing her head. "Sorry, I should have called you."

"Yes you should have," Irene joked, resting her head on his chest. 

"Hmm," Luka just added, still looking at the spider webs, concentrating on the spider webs. As his fingers began to entangle themselves in her hair, his stomach began to get upset. He felt as if he had cheated on her. He had left her behind and had confessed his love to another woman. He had tried not to think of her, and instead had been thinking of Abby. Yes, that was infidelity, and it was two fold, because as he laid there with Irene, he felt as if he was cheating on Abby. 

"You have to do something about the living room, it's filling with sand again," Irene said, her eyes closed.

"I like sand," Luka answered, as if he had been waiting to say those words. He opened his eyes, finding the spider webs still there, and thinking maybe he wouldn't be getting rid of them after all. 

Irene raised her head and looked up at him. "Are you hungry? I brought Thai," she teased, getting off the bed.

"Hm, can't I eat here?" Luka moaned.

"No," Irene smiled. "You'll get ants."

"I like ants," Luka protested again but it was too late, she was already dragging him by his hand. With a grunt, he stood up, and followed her into the kitchen, where she began to set the table. Filling with sand? There were like three or four grains of sand on the floor. Three or four didn't count. One didn't count. He stood there for a moment, thinking of what to say, wishing the television was on.

He felt like a stranger in somebody else's home. He felt as if he had a big secret and couldn't tell Irene. It would be so simple to sit her down and whisper, "I see dead people." But he didn't see dead people. He didn't even see the life in people, could only see the death in himself. 

When she was done setting the meal, he sat down, and dumped the contents of a small box on the plate. A thought suddenly occurred to him, and he jerked his head up immediately. "What did you wanna talk about?"

"What?" Irene asked as she fixed her dinner.

"On the phone," Luka answered. "You said we needed to talk."

"Oh," Irene said consciously. "Maybe after dinner."

Luka frowned, "Why?"

Irene took a deep breath and looked up, "Because we're eating, Luka. I don't like to talk while I'm eating."

Dropping the subject, Luka decided to concentrate on his food and anticipate the chat. He had made his head hurt once thinking about it, and he wouldn't do it tonight. The sun had gone down already, but had left a purple sky behind, illuminating a small portion of the sea. 

He looked up at Irene. God, she was so beautiful. How they came to get together, he'll never know. She asked him out, set the date, set the second date and the third. At worked they talked about him being whipped, a term he learned from Dave. So what if she was a go getter? He liked that in a woman. Better whipped than lonely, that was for sure. Besides, he wasn't whipped. He demanded just as much of her as she did of him. Maybe a little less. Just a little. Not too much. 

But he hated these silences while they ate. Hated them with passion. He never knew where to look, what to do, how to act. Look at her while she ate? It made him uncomfortable. The whole thing made him feel like an idiot, starring down at his rice. Next time maybe he could try some music. If there was a next time. 

After what seemed like hours, Irene finally finished and they both took their plates to the sink.

"That's ok, I got it," Irene said, taking the plate away from him. 

"You sure?" Luka asked.

"Yeah," she added and began to clean all the dishes. 

Luka stood there with his hands on his pockets for a moment. Hesitantly, he walked away, opening the sliding door on his living room and stepping out into the small porch. Fortunately, the ocean was normal now, which was comforting. The tide was high, making the waves almost devour the shore, but Luka did not fear. He leaned against the wooden rail and looked out into the darkness. 

Somehow he felt as if a big transition was about to happen. He just wasn't sure he wanted it to be in San Diego anymore. Three years. Maybe it was time to pick up his bags again; go to the south, maybe open up his own practice in the Falkland Islands.

He suddenly felt Irene's hand traveling through his back, and he stood up straight, watching as she stood next to him. 

"You like the ocean," she said as she stared straight ahead.

"Yeah," Luka added, waiting for her to get to the point. She stood there for a moment in silence, staring ahead, her hand resting on his hip. He looked down at his feet, kicking some of the sand away from the wooden floor.

"Have you ever been to Hawaii?" she suddenly asked, not removing her eyes from the darkness.

Luka looked down at her, frowning slightly, wondering why she wouldn't get to the point already. "No."

"I haven't been there in a long time," Irene added, and finally looked up at Luka. "How would you feel about going?"

Luka frowned some more as ignorance prevented him from thinking too far from reality. "Like a vacation?"

Irene blinked hard, and looked around her for a moment. "Uh," she started, avoiding his stare. "No. Uh, they're... they're transferring me back to Hawaii."

Luka raised his eyebrows wide, trying to say something, trying to think. "Wh-why?" he asked. 

Irene scratched her temple, still looking to the side. "I, um, I asked for a transfer," she said simply.

Luka opened his mouth in disbelief. "You what? And... you didn't tell me? Wh..."

"We weren't going out yet, Luka," Irene interrupted him. "And, I thought they had forgotten about it. I didn't think they would actually transfer me."

"That's what they do when you ask for a transfer, Irene. They transfer you," Luka added, feeling mad. Feeling mad. He had no idea why. Irene wasn't supposed to leave him like that. She was supposed to stay and take Abby's place, if that was possible. But she wasn't supposed to leave.

Irene looked up, playing with the waist of his pants. "Come with me."

Luka shook his head and looked away, getting too much air into his lungs. "Irene..."

"Luka, my family is there. I miss them. I haven't seen them in years," she added. 

Luka kept the air in his lungs. He hadn't seen his family in years, but that didn't mean he would move back to Croatia. The thought hadn't even crossed his mind. He wouldn't be going back to Croatia, and he wouldn't be going back to Chicago. You simply did not go back to places where your heart has been shredded. You just don't. 

He looked down at her face, trying to find something. "Irene," he added but didn't know what to add. "I live here."

"We could live there," she told him. 

Luka shook his head slightly. "Why do you want me to go?"

Irene looked up at him for a moment, and then to the side. "I don't know." The air twirled her hair and she looked up at him again. "I want you to come. Luka, you don't have a family here, only a couple of friends. What's keeping you?"

His hand began to shake, and he closed his fist to stop the trembling. "What about my job?"

"There's plenty of hospitals there," Irene added, but by the look on his face she could tell he wasn't convinced. "Look, I know that we don't even live together. But, the truth is I don't wanna leave you behind. I just want us to spend more time together, and maybe something will happen. But I don't wanna leave and then realize I made a mistake by saying good bye."

Luka bit on his lip. As much as he had wanted to avoid the headache, there would be no stopping it now, not after this.

"Just think about it, ok?" she added, holding his hand and getting on her toes to give him a kiss. 

Time seemed to stop for a moment and when Luka came to, he found himself alone. As he sat on a chair and rested his head on the wall, he let the sounds of the night take control of him. Irene could take Abby's place. Was he willing to risk everything yet again? Did he want to move to China in a couple of years after Irene breaks his heart? Like Abby did? Like Carol did? Like Danjiela did?

He stood up, and gave his back to the ocean, walking into the house. The four grains of sand were still resting on his floor, and as he looked at them with indifference, he turned off the lights and headed for his bedroom. 

The spider webs were still there, looking down at him. He closed his eyes, but his body immediately began to toss and turn. It was still early for sleep, but he found himself rejecting any other activity.

~*~

Yet there were also things to regret. Abby stared at the ceiling of her bedroom, looking at the spider webs that were beginning to form around the light. She turned to the side, coming face to face with the red numbers of her alarm clock, and laid on her back again.

Of course you can raise a baby on your own, women did it everyday. She raised her own brother, and she was just a little girl. And all in all, Abby thought she came out ok. If there was something to blame, it wasn't her father's absence, it was her mother's illness. Well Abby wasn't ill, and she already had experience. She had a good job and good friends. Lily had a grandmother, godparents and more than enough comodities.

And she couldn't sleep. Images kept dancing in front of her face, like a hallucinatory slide show. Five years was such a long time. Five years of silent tears and solitary yearning. Five years of secrets. Secrets only she and Luka knew, and the rest of the world speculated. She didn't have to explain the reason as to why she was adopting, because she was single, and Liliana was practically dropped into her arms. Not being able to have children of her own was still a major source of angst. She would never be able to give Luka what he wanted. No matter how much he said he was ok with it, she knew he wasn't. He wanted to have children, and she could not give them to him. If she accepted his proposal, in the end he would end up like Richard, looking for that she couldn't give him in other places. Richard. They all ended up like Richard.

No. It was better this way. She had no trouble admitting herself she still loved Luka. But their paths had diverged. He had a girlfriend in San Diego, yet he had told her he still loved her. He was telling her that, but what was he telling his girlfriend? Did he ever told her he loved her? Were they living together? Could Irene take care of Luka the way Abby could?

She tossed again, fighting to keep the jealousy away. Luka was better off with this new woman, who could probably give him children and probably was normal. She had to keep him away, had to protect herself and her daughter. She also had to protect Luka. Abby was like poison, and she didn't want to kill him, like she knew she would.

__

... "Abby," he found her on the living room, unenthusiastically changing channels on the television. "Abby, please, let's talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about," she finally said, controlled by anger and hopelessness.

Luka stood there for a moment, watching her, wanting to touch her, to turn back time. He walked over, and left the velvet box on the couch next to her. "Keep it."

She didn't even look at the box, just kept staring at the television.

Luka knelt by the couch, looking at her. "Abby, someone offered me a job in Dallas."

She looked at him when he said that, staring at him straight in the eyes, a mix of emotions in her own.

"I don't wanna go," Luka added. "But I'm thinking about it." He watched as she looked down at her fingers, and he decided to continue. "Abby, just ask me to stay and I'll stay. We can work this out."

Abby watched as her fingers trembled, playing with each other. Pessimism, her eternal enemy, had found a way to ruin her life once more when she muttered the words she would never be able to take back. "Go," she said and looked up at Luka. "We can't be happy, Luka. Just go."...

The sounds of a crying baby brought her back to the present, and with a sigh, she stood up. When she walked into the nursery she found her daughter crying, standing on the crib.

"What's the matter, baby?" she asked as she picked Liliana up, bouncing her slightly in her arms as she walked towards the bedroom. "You're gonna be one soon, Lily. You can't sleep with mommy every night."

When Liliana stopped crying, Abby laid down on the bed, resting the baby next to her. Through teary eyes and sucking on her thumb, the baby looked at Abby, analyzing her intensely. 

Abby kissed her daughter's hand, closing her eyes and letting out a deep breath. When she opened them, she saw Lily still looking at her. 

"Do you really need a dad?" Abby asked, looking at her daughter. "I didn't have a dad, and... it's not that bad," she added, waiting for a reaction. "And I promise you I'll be a good mom. I promise."

Lily reached with her little hand and touched Abby's cheek, lingering there. 

"I can't call him, baby," Abby added. "I told him to leave and he left... twice."

Liliana kept patting on Abby's face, as if it was a game. 

"I know you like him, but we're better off. And he's better off without me," Abby said and kissed her daughter's head. "We'll meet someone. You'll see."

~*~

Luka looked at his shoes as he walked and they swung in front of him, and back, only to come forth again. His hand traveled a path through the white fence next to him as he fought to keep his head in blank. He desperately wanted to talk to someone, get some advice. No family, no friends. Irene was right. But he did have a friend, and when he finally reached the house he was looking for, he pressed on the bell as a dog came running forward.

"Hi Howard," Luka said and patted on the dog's head a couple of times. 

The dog kept smelling on his pants, and the door finally opened, revealing and African American woman. 

"Luka! How are you?" she asked, rubbing Luka's arm. 

Luka smiled warmly, "Jan, how are you?"

"Good, good," she said as she guided him in. "Here to see Tom?"

"Is he awake?" Luka asked. 

Jan smiled, "I'll go get him." Luka followed her into the kitchen, where she turned around. "Do you want something to drink? Something to eat?"

"No, I'm fine," Luka smiled, his eyes on a bowl of fruit on the large kitchen.

"Tom! Luka's back!" Jan called out. 

Luka looked around, with his hands on his pockets. There was a freshly baked pie resting on the counter, and as he bent down to take a closer look at it, someone walked in.

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in," Tom said as he walked in, heading towards Luka and shaking his hand, chuckling. "How was Chicago?"

Luka raised his eyebrows, "Never send me to a conference again."

"Yeah, you're not kidding. Look at you, you look like shit," Tom said, walking with Luka towards the back yard.

"Thank you," Luka said. "Isn't it a little too early for that?" he asked, pointing to the cigar on Tom's mouth. 

"This is a Cubano, Luka. Never too early," Tom answered as he sat down on a chair near the pool, and offering Luka the other chair. "So, to what do I owe this visit?"

Luka rubbed his hands together, looking forward. "Well..."

"Jan! Bring us some beers, will ya honey?" Tom called out.

"Uh, no, I don't want a beer," Luka said quickly.

"Bring me a beer! Bring Luka something else!" Tom added.

"For God's sake, Tom, you're right next to the kitchen!" Jan protested from somewhere around the house.

"So," Tom added, ignoring his wife. "Where were we."

Luka nodded slightly, off track. "Uh. Um, Irene's getting transferred."

Tom looked at Luka for a moment, and then raised his eyebrows in recognition. "Oh yeah, Hawaii."

"Yeah," Luka nodded.

"Sorry about that," Tom said. 

Luka looked around, and then at Tom again. "She asked me to go with her."

Tom jerked his head back. "I didn't know you two were that serious."

Luka scratched the side of his neck, resting his elbows on his knees. "Um, no, I- I don't... I, I don't," he stumbled.

"You're not sure?" Tom said. 

Luka let out a sigh, sitting back. "No."

"Well, how do you feel about her?" Tom asked. 

Luka stared at the water of the pool, trying to choose the best words. "I, um," he shook his head, slapped his thighs and looked at Tom. "I don't know."

He took a deep breath, and continued. "There's, there's this other woman."

"Whoa," Tom interrupted him. "Here?"

"No, in Chicago," Luka added. 

"Huh," Tom breathed. 

"It's over," Luka said uneasily. "It's been over for five years, but..." he shook his head again, looking down. "I saw her again, and... well..."

"Now you're not sure about Irene," Tom said.

"No," Luka added. "I mean, um, I want to move on, and maybe I can do it with Irene. I-I, I just don't know... moving to Hawaii, it's a big step."

Tom nodded, and at the same time Jan walked in, with a beer in one hand and a lemonade in the other. "Luka, are you sure you don't want anything to eat?"

Luka smiled at her, "No, I'm fine."

"How come I don't get that treatment?" Tom asked. 

"I'm not your servant, Tom. If you want food, get it yourself," Jan said, handing him the cold bottle.

"Thank you, honey," Tom smiled and watched leave. He opened his beer and with a grunt, leaned forward, taking a sip. He then turned to Luka. "So, you think this thing with Irene can go further."

Luka nodded slightly, "Maybe, yeah."

"But you don't want to move to Hawaii to find out," Tom added.

Luka thought for a moment, and added, "I don't mind Hawaii. It's just that maybe it's too much."

"So what happened with this Chicago woman?" Tom asked. 

Luka curled his mouth, shaking his head. "I proposed, she said no, I moved away."

Tom raised his eyebrows. "Well, if you think it can go somewhere with Irene, then I'll see if I can get you a transfer. But at the same time, I can also transfer you to Chicago. Want my advice?"

"No," Luka said as he stood up. 

Tom chuckled and stood up to shake Luka's hand. "Sometimes we have to take risks, man. When I was after Jan I had to wrestle her father. Broke my arm too. But if I hadn't done it, God knows where I'd be right now, probably getting my own beer."

Luka nodded, smiling slightly. "Well you're right hook is very bad."

Tom chuckled again, putting his fists in front of him like a boxer. "Let me know one of these days, we'll go to the ring."

"No thanks," Luka added, pushing Tom's fists away. "Thanks for the talk."

"No problem," Tom added. "Jan! Walk Luka out!"

"Walk him out yourself!" Jan yelled.

Tom smiled and followed Luka. "She's an angel."

Luka just raised his eyebrows, and waved goodbye to Tom as he stepped into the streets of San Diego, heading for his car. As he looked up, the gray clouds seemed heavier than he had ever seen them before; yet it would not rain. He knew God was holding the answer right there on the clouds. He knew that his destiny would come to him with the rain. But as he continued to look up, he watched as the clouds flew away from him, taking his answer with them.

~*~

"Emergency room," Maggie muttered as she opened up the yellow pages with her glasses on, looking through. "Mercy, Presbyterian... County General!" she exclaimed when she found the number. After grabbing the phone, she dialed a couple of numbers and waited.

"ER," an unenthusiastic voice replied.

"Who's this?" Maggie asked, removing her glasses.

"Randi," Randi answered. 

"Hi Randi! It's Maggie, Abby's mother," Maggie added. 

"Maggie!" Randi replied with more energy. "How are you? I haven't seen you since Abby went up to OB."

"Well, I've been busy." Maggie took a deep breath and continued. "Randi, I, uh, I was wondering if you could give me some information."

"Depends on what kind of information it is," Randi said. 

Maggie bit her lip, praying for positive results. "I, um, I was wondering if you could tell me where Dr. Kovac is living now."

"Didn't he go to Dallas?" Randi asked. 

"I, I think so, I just wanted to get his physical address? Maybe a phone number?" Maggie asked. 

"I guess it would be on the computer, but that's private information, I can get fired," Randi said.

Maggie let out a sigh of defeat, "Ok..."

"But," Randi added, interrupting her. "There's a difference between official information... and gossip."

A smile suddenly appeared on Maggie's face, "Right, gossip is legal." She sat back as her old friend passed on the information she knew. There was always something reassuring about people, and that is no matter how much time goes by, the need and desire to gossip never ceased. The older they get, the sneakier they become.

~*~

Luka parked his car in the parking lot of the beach. The cold weather had scared people away and the only signs of life were the three surfers out in the sea, waiting for the perfect wave to ride. 

He let out a sigh and sat back, staring at the waves. He hated making big decisions. Thoughts of Hawaii and Irene danced in his head like a whirlwind. Thoughts of Abby and her baby following the previous around. He knew that going to Chicago was not an option. The dilemma wasn't Irene versus Abby. The dilemma was Irene versus his heart, which was still in Chicago. He did not want to get hurt again. As much as Irene wanted him to go, he knew she didn't love him, and he certainly didn't love her. But it was not that. It was what she had said. If he went with her, maybe they could grow into something together, something good. He also did not want to let an opportunity pass. Maybe Irene could erase Abby's memory, as Abby had erased Carol's. And at the same time, he only had little gas left. Running on fumes would mean a fall would come faster, yet at the same time less painful.

Hawaii. He knew the place was gorgeous, heavenly. Irene would be with her family, happy. And Luka? Luka would be risking everything again, giving everything again, getting hurt again. If that were the case, maybe he wouldn't be losing much. He could always just stay in Hawaii, practice medicine there. The thought was very enticing, and it was romancing him fast. Hawaii, where the ocean was even more blue, the waves more alive, the dolphins more friendly. 

When he got to California he thought he had reached the end, that he was where the sun would set forever. But maybe he was wrong. He chased after the sun, and the sun had guided him through his life. He had watched many sunsets in San Diego and the sun was too far from his grasp. The sun seemed to rest peacefully in Hawaii. Maybe he would rest peacefully there as well.

To be continued...


	9. You are Fire; I am Rain (A)

Disclaimer: None of the ER characters are mine, except for the ones I created.

Author's notes: Thanks to Kelly and Raquel for slapping me in the face every time I went all Tammy Faye Baker on them.

"You are Fire; I am Rain" by Carolina

"The itsy, bitsy spider, went up the water spout," Abby sang as she used her fingers to act out the song in front of her daughter. Liliana kept looking at Abby's fingers, giggling, trying to reach them and kicking her little feet as she rested on her high chair.

"Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider, went up the spout again," she finished, tickling Liliana and laughing herself. 

As soon as her daughter stopped giggling, she picked up her plate and Liliana's bottle and put them on the sink, looking around for the sponge. After finding it buried under the pile of dirty dishes, she just let it fall down in a puddle of water and suddenly felt her body sink in fifty pounds heavier. She looked around and heard her daughter humming to herself, banging her hands against the table of the high chair. Abby looked at the dirty dishes with disgust. The president would not die if the dishes remained in the sink overnight. Clearing her throat, she pulled a chair back and sat down by the table, looking at Liliana. 

Consistency. That was all she wanted in her life. Safety. She wanted to wake up every morning to the same routine. She wanted to go to work, pick up Lily at day care, come back home, heat up a TV Dinner, put Lily to sleep, and go to sleep herself. It didn't matter if it made her happy or not. Frequency satisfied her, made everything less stressful, made her world secure. If she could take the same steps to her car and back, wear the same clothes, and eat the same food, it would be even better. And then in comes Luka, to ruin everything again, to spin her world out of orbit. It made her so mad that the urge to throw a plate against the wall was almost unbearable. 

And yet it wasn't working quite right. He was gone again, but not before showing off that habit of his to derail her with words, just words. She knew that as with everything, it took time and patience. Liliana was able to fulfill that void in her heart that was created when Luka left. All that love she still felt for him, she could shape into motherly love and give to her daughter. It still wasn't enough, and she knew it. But it would have to do. It was still too early and she had no patience, but she had hope. If she had to go to some kind of twelve step program, she would. If there is some kind of witch or guru who could come up with a spell to keep him off her mind, she'd pay anything. Her routine had remained consistent for five years. Since his return, she could not find her tempo anymore. She was aimlessly playing one instrument madly as the rest of the orchestra strictly followed their notes. She couldn't see the conductor anymore. She couldn't hear the rest of the instruments. Her mind kept wandering, numbing all of her senses. 

"Hey," she reacted to Liliana's energy as she bounced on her seat. "Who are you, Maggie?"

On cue, the door opened and Abby jumped up on her feet, turning around to see who it was as her heart sank. When she saw Maggie standing there, she almost fell to her chair. "Jesus, mom," she sighed. 

"Did I scare you?" Maggie asked, walking towards the kitchen.

"Did you scare me? You open the door like that in the middle of the night in Chicago..." Abby exclaimed.

"Sorry, honey," Maggie said as she put her bag on a chair. Liliana immediately raised her arms and jumped even more enthusiastically on her chair when she saw Maggie. "Hi, my baby." She picked up the baby, gave her a kiss and put her back on the chair. 

"I told you that key was for emergencies," Abby continued.

"I said I was sorry, Abby," Maggie said defensively. 

Abby let out a sigh of frustration. One of those days she was going to pick up her daughter and move far away from annoying family members, friends and work. She looked up at Maggie, who wasn't in her usual flamboyant mood, and frowned. "Is everything okay?"

Maggie looked down into her purse and took out an envelope hesitantly, giving it to Abby. She patted Liliana's head and waited to the bomb to explode. 

"What's this?" Abby asked with a questioning look on her face, opening the white envelope and peeking inside. 

"It's a plane ticket to San Diego," Maggie said cautiously. 

Abby's whole body went cold with goose bumps, and her first reaction was to frown. When she actually saw the ticket, her face fell, and she felt the anger again. "What... what," she stammered. 

"Use it if you want to, Abby," Maggie added. 

Abby looked up at her mother, feeling the anger subside but only to rise again with all the other emotions, leaving her almost suffocated. "Use it if you want to? What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about," Maggie added, trying to sound friendly. 

Abby kept staring at Maggie, daring her with her eyes, a silent war. She looked at her daughter and down. "How did you find out?"

"I made some calls." Digging into her pocket, Maggie took out a piece of paper and handed it to Abby. "That's his address and phone number."

Abby looked at the letters, incoherently dancing around the page until they all lined up together to form his name. She leaned back on the chair and put the paper down on the table. "Did you talk to him?" she asked softly, eyeing the plane ticket.

"No," Maggie said honestly. "It's not me he needs to talk to."

Rage took over again and Abby finally slammed the envelope against the table and stood up. "I told you to stay away from this, Maggie!"

Maggie only stood there as Abby paced the living room, furious. She knew Abby would react that way. She knew she was walking on fire. She was aware of her daughter's temper and her request to leave things the way they were. But no matter how much Abby tried to turn her head around, Maggie knew what Abby wanted and what she needed. And she needed a push. Mother birds showed their babies how to fly, never pushed them until they were ready. Somehow she had turned her head to the side and Abby had jumped, venturing into the sky alone. The push was now too late, but with the help of God, still effective.

After a long silence, she turned around to see her daughter sitting by the couch, one arm crossed and the other resting upon it. She was holding her chin with one hand, and her foot shook violently as she looked forward. 

"Abby." Maggie walked over and stroked her daughter's hair. "Honey, don't torture yourself like this."

"Mom, he's seeing someone. He's over me, there's nothing I can do. What do you want me to do?" Abby asked in frustration as she looked at Maggie for a second, feeling the anger stuck in her throat. 

Maggie sat more comfortable, scared that Abby would explode at any moment again, and rested her hand on top of her daughter's. "Is he serious about her?"

Abby sniffed, even thought she was not crying. Her foot stopped shaking, but the anger remained evident in her features. "He said they haven't been dating long." She shook her head again. "And what am I supposed to do? Just go over there and ask him to leave her? Richard did that to me, mom. And it's not the best feeling in the world."

Maggie stroked Abby's hair down, looking to see what Liliana was up to. She was falling asleep on her high chair, so she turned her attention to Abby again. "Abby, I bought that ticket because there are things you need to tell him. Whether he's over you or not, you have to talk to him because all this repressed anger is ruining your life."

Abby kept looking forward, and shook her head no. She hated Maggie's bullshit, hated it more than anything. Just because she had seen therapists her whole life didn't make her a therapist. Just because she had carried Abby in her womb for nine months didn't make her a mother, and expert on Abby's life. She felt like taking the clown figurine on the table in front of her and hitting Maggie with it, but swallowed her irritation down. 

"I talked to John," Maggie added, watching as Abby looked down. "He told me about the dinner."

"Mom, please stop, okay?" Abby protested as she stood up and began to pace the living room again. "I don't wanna hear about how much I need to talk to him, about what I'm missing, about what I need to do. I know what I need to do, and I know what I'm missing. I'm a mother. I have a daughter who needs me and I'm not going to risk hurting her over someone who's out of our lives. So I don't wanna hear the word Luka around here or anything that has to do with him, _including _this stupid trip." 

Maggie shook her head and slapped her thighs. "You're right. It's your decision, Abby," she said, standing up. "This is the end of my line, now it's up to you. You have two options: you can take the easy road and stay, or you can get up and go. Whatever you choose, I will be here to support you. But it hurts me too much to see you like this."

Abby kept looking down for a moment, feeling overwhelmed. She bit her lip, running her hands through her hair, and sat down on the couch again. "He's gone, mom. I asked him to leave, and he left, and he's never gonna come back. So get over it."

Maggie walked over and knelt in front of Abby, holding her hands. "But you want him back!"

Abby shut her eyes tight. "Doesn't matter what I want." 

"Of course it does, Abby. Being a mother makes you happy, but it's not enough." Maggie dropped her head to the side a little. "I know you're scared of what me might say. So you pushed him away... we all make mistakes, Abby." She leaned over and kissed her daughter's head. "You can fix it."

Abby shook her head no, and looked up at Maggie, who was picking up her things. 

Maggie reached the door and turned around. "I'm taking a week off work, so if you need anything, I'll be at home. And if for any reason you need me to take care of Lily, I can do that." She looked at the back of Abby's head for a while, wishing she could read her thoughts, and left the apartment.

Abby kept looking forward and her thoughts began to race faster and faster until her head began to pound. The silence in her apartment was unbearable. She stood up from the couch, dragging her body along with her mind and somehow made it to the kitchen, where the plane ticket was still resting on the table. Looking away, she picked up a sleeping Lily from the high chair and turned off the lights. 

And it was still too quiet to sleep alone. She laid her daughter in bed next to her and turned off the lamp. Even the darkness was not comforting her, lulling her to sleep as it had done so before. She heard Maggie's words over and over, and somehow the plane ticket still resting on the table was emanating some kind of eerie energy, and it was hurting her ears. 

She stroked Liliana's hair and cleared her throat, looking at the lights out her window. That anger was still inside of her, rising up and down like the waves. She felt that impending doom that was another depression, waiting for her to fall like a predator. What the **hell **was wrong with Maggie? Why did she have to make everything so complicated? Sometimes Abby hated her so much that her muscles contracted and her mind went in blank. Several hours before, there were no decisions to make. She was living alone with her daughter and would be doing so forever. Now there was a plane. But that plane would only take her to where the pain was. And Luka was pain. With him she had to face her demons instead of safely eluding them. Five years of bottled emotions would explode and for what? To return the same day to her old life? To her safe routine?

It wouldn't serve of much. She'd go there, tell him she still loved him, and come back home. He'd stay with his girlfriend where his new life was and nothing would change. So why attempt at all? Why put her heart through all of that? Anger could be managed in other ways. Anger could be turned into love, love for her daughter. Anger could be released physically. It was psychologically possible and people did it every day. 

Kissing Liliana's cheek, she uncovered her body from the sheets and stood up. As she entered the kitchen, she stared at the white envelope and leaned against the refrigerator. She knew herself more than anyone else. She could not go through with it. It was impossible, not to mention humiliating. She messed things up twice, and now she would face the consequences. It was her punishment and she would accept it. No, she wouldn't accept it. She would place it upon herself. 

Looking down, she walked over to the table. As the darkness gave way to more darkness, crawling through her like fog, she lifted the lid of the trash can and threw the envelope in. It was still dark, and there were no decisions to make, but now it was safe again.

~*~

The doors of the ER slowly parted before him as Luka looked around the inactivity of the hospital. The emergency room was just as empty, and as he glanced towards the waiting area, he opened the door to the lounge and walked in. He looked around the tastefully decorated room with glamorous furniture and art to match and quickly located his locker on a corner. Using his key, he opened the door slowly and immediately came face to face with a brown apple. His face turned sour as he took it out and threw it in the vicinity of the trash can, missing it by a couple of inches. 

As he walked out, he clipped his ID badge to his white coat and as he came face to face with a mahogany desk, he leaned into it, looking down at the receptionist's book. 

"Dr. Kovac, welcome back," a conservative looking desk clerk smiled politely. 

"Nice to see you again, Gloria," Luka added with the same decor. 

"You have a couple of messages from when you left." She handed him a few pieces of paper and adjusted her glasses. "And Dr. Garcia called for the Stiles chart, so I went ahead and gave it to him personally," she added. 

After glancing at a couple of papers, Luka looked up and smiled. "Thank you, Gloria." The rest of his messages went into his pocket as he looked around. There were approximately five people waiting in chairs, reading from magazines such as Time and National Geographic or looking at the news on a television that hung from the ceiling. He picked up a chart and as he leaned on the counter, began to look over it. Another headache. Perfect. 

The last few days had been so overwhelming, that they left him numbed. He couldn't think, couldn't work. He had tried to make a decision regarding Hawaii, and he was still on square one. He would sit down to work on charts, and his hand refused to move the pen across the blue pages. It was as if he was dead, only his spirit had gone and left his body alive. It scared him because he knew how low he could go, yet he knew that the cure relied on the best decision. 

He kept reading the chart, but could not get past the first sentence. 

"Aloha," a cheerful Tom approached Luka with a grin as he carried a cup of coffee in one hand and a chart in the other. 

Luka looked up and managed to smile. "Morning."

Tom looked around. "I love days like these; headaches and lacerations."

"Which means aneurysms and amputations," Luka mumbled as his chin rested on top of the palm of his hand. 

Tom chuckled. "Made a decision yet?"

Luka looked up again and shrugged his shoulders. He took a deep breath and let it out. "No, not yet."

"When is she leaving?" Tom asked and took a sip of his coffee.

"In a couple of days," Luka added, staring straight ahead. He decided to ignore the chart and leaned against the counter. "Where is she?"

"She's done," Tom said. "Her last day was yesterday. She must be home, packing. You should know that," he scolded Luka. 

Luka smiled. "She's giving me a few days off to think."

"You should make a decision soon," Tom added. 

"I know that," Luka said, a little annoyed. He then shrugged it off and looked at Tom. "If you were me, what would you do?"

Tom smiled. "If I were you, brother, I'd have more than one lady," he joked. 

Luka smiled too, but lazily. 

Tom turned serious. "I'm not you, Luka. I don't know about your life. Get your shit together, man. Just follow your heart," he tapped Luka on his chest with a chart and walked away. 

Luka let out another sigh. Follow your heart. As if it was that easy. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what's best for it. Sometimes the heart makes stupid decisions. Sometimes the heart needed a little help from the brain and the rest of the system. The problem was that Luka couldn't hear his heart anymore. It had been broken so many times that too many pieces were missing and now there were too many holes in it to make it work right. The only thing his heart was good for anymore was beating. 

He looked down at the chart and picked it up, walking towards the waiting area. "Sally Kettlewell?"

A young woman stood up and walked towards Luka shyly. 

"Hi, I'm Dr. Kovac, why don't you come with me?" Luka asked as he smiled, walking in front of her. When they got to one of the rooms he turned on the lights and gestured her to sit down. "You are here because of a headache?"

"I've had them for a while now. They're so painful, it blurs my vision. I almost had a car accident this morning," she said in pain as she touched her temple with her right hand. 

"I see," Luka added. "Do you suffer from migraines?"

"Not that I know about," she said and added nervously. "It's not a brain tumor, is it? I have five kids."

Luka smiled as he wrote the information on a chart. "We are going to run some tests before jumping to conclusions."

"I have a baby, she's only 6 months old," the woman continued. "Bill wanted me to come earlier but I just don't have time. Who am I going to leave the kids with?"

Luka only set his chair in front of her, taking her vitals as he listened. Listening was the one part he was good at, because lately making decisions had been as hard as making his own taxes. Every choice seemed to revolve around Irene and Hawaii. Going to the supermarket was like a trip to the center of hell. So for the time being, he listened. Sometimes he found that the patients said something wise, something philosophical. Sometimes their problems solved his. Sometimes they said things that answered his questions, answers he desperately needed. 

As the woman kept talking about her children and an irresponsible babysitter, Luka listened, because if he listened well, maybe his answers would come from her misfortunes.

~*~

That sound. The sound of babies laughing or crying and children playing. Abby loved that sound. She heard it every day as she walked down the hall on her way to day care and it always made her feel better. It was one of the most comforting walks she took every week. Today somehow that sound was louder, the children wailed instead of cried and they laughed uncontrollably instead of giggled. She looked inside the room through the window, trying to find her daughter. She saw her sitting on the mat with a teddy bear on her lap, looking at the other babies. 

With a smile, she opened the door and walked in, and everything became even louder. 

"Hi, Dr. Lockhart," an overjoyed woman laughed as she walked over, carrying one of the kids. 

"Hey Tanya. Is my munchkin ready to go?" Abby asked. 

"Right over there," Tanya pointed to the corner Liliana was sitting at and walked away. "Okay, everybody, time for milk!"

The children celebrated snack hour and Abby walked over, standing in front of Liliana. When the baby saw her, she smiled and raised her arms up. "Mama."

"Hey," Abby bent down and carried her. "How was your day?" Liliana only hummed, and Abby picked up her bag as she waved good bye to Tanya. 

They stepped out into the hallway, where other parents were also getting their kids. All of them were doctors, and strangely enough, most of them were men. Abby ignored that and kept walking. "Wanna know what I did today?" she asked Liliana. "I called an agent for us to go to Disney World next summer, just you and me. What do you think?" 

Liliana said nothing as Abby walked and she stared ahead, sucking on her pacifier. 

Abby looked at her daughter and then forward. "Well, I'm glad you're excited about it."

When she reached the garage, she looked all around her to see if it was safe. Not that something had ever happened in the parking lot, but you can't be too careful. Her hand reached inside the baby bag, looking for her keys. It was always a lesson, never put your car keys in the same pocket containing huge red, blue, and green toy keys. 

"Come on," she muttered, digging her hands deep into the pockets of the bag. 

"Hey! Is that my baby there?"

Abby jumped up and turned around as her heart sank. Too many people had been sneaking up behind her lately. "God, Dave," she sighed as she put her hand to her beating heart. 

Dave ignored Abby and took the baby away from her. "Hi, Lily," he said in baby talk as he kissed her cheeks. "Did you miss Uncle Dave? Yes you did. Yes you did. Who's my bunny rabbit?"

Abby tipped her head to the side a little and squinted her eyes. "I wished I had a camera so you could see yourself."

Dave smiled at her as the baby giggled in his arms. "Going home?" he asked, walking her to her car. 

"Trying," Abby added and finally found her keys. When she pressed a little button, the back lights of an SUV flashed and they produced a beep. 

"Yeah, me too. I have a hot date tonight," Dave added. 

"How is that different from any of your other nights?" Abby added. He didn't respond and when she turned around, he found her throwing Liliana in the air and catching her, only to throw her again. 

"Dave! No!" Abby panicked, running over. 

"She likes it," Dave said defensively. 

"You're gonna let her fall," Abby protested. 

"Oh come on, I've been playing baseball since I was five," Dave teased, but stopped. He looked at Liliana, who was laughing hysterically, and then looked up at Abby. "Do you think she looks a little like me?" he asked as he put the baby next to his face. 

"God no," Abby said and opened the trunk of her car, putting the bag in.

"You never met her daddy, right? Maybe I'm the daddy," Dave joked. 

"She's too smart to be your spawn," Abby muttered. 

Dave grinned. "Let's take a paternity test. If she's mine, then you and I can finally get married," he said and put his arm around her waist, pulling her close. 

"Dave! Leave me alone," Abby protested again. She pushed his arm away and took Liliana from him. 

"What's wrong with you today?" Dave asked, his hands on his hips. 

"I'm not in a good mood," Abby said bitterly. 

"No shit," Dave quipped. "I heard Kovac was here."

Shit. Abby rolled her eyes, and remained quiet. 

"Did he ask about me?" Dave asked. 

Abby looked at him with a look of disbelief. "Are you _that _self involved?" 

Dave smiled and turned serious. "Are you ok?"

Abby let out a sigh, putting Liliana on her car seat. "Yeah, just wished everyone would stop asking if I'm ok."

"I called him once," Dave added. 

Abby stopped what she was doing and looked at him again. "When?"

"When he left," Dave said. "I looked up his phone number and called him a couple of times. He always asked about you."

Abby shook her head fast. "W-why didn't you tell me?"

"He didn't want me to," Dave said defensively. "He was really messed up. Sometimes I called him and he was drunk, couldn't understand shit of what he was saying. I think he was crying."

Abby stopped looking at him and put the seat belt around the baby really fast. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You asked me," Dave said defensively. 

"No I didn't!" Abby said loudly and after a couple of seconds, let out a sigh. "Look, I gotta go."

"Sure," Dave said as if nothing had happened. He walked over to the back seat and gave Liliana a kiss, pretending he was eating her neck. He looked at her. "Can you say: good bye uncle Dave. Bye uncle Dave," he said in baby talk as Liliana laughed and tried to grab his face. 

"Dave," Abby protested. 

Dave looked up at her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Drive carefully."

Abby smiled. "Thank you."

As he walked he turned around and pointed his finger at her. "That kid is mine, Abby. I'm filing for joint custody."

Abby chuckled to herself, and got in her car. Good God. Dave just had a way to drain the energy out of anything. At least he was honest and never told her what to do, unlike everyone else in her life. 

She drove out of the garage, and the silence in the car gave her mind an opportunity to start wandering. As she looked straight at the road, she blindly located a CD and put it on. All the characters of Sesame Street and The Muppets immediately started singing, but that didn't stop her mind from walking into dangerous territory. Why was Luka drunk? And why was he crying? In her own selfishness she believed this break up would affect her and that Luka would move on pretty quickly. After all, she was certain that he didn't love her. Well, maybe he did love her, but was his love that strong? Or was Dave lying?

Dave must have been lying. Maggie probably called him the previous night to put him up to it. How convenient that he was off work at the same time she was walking towards her car. True, he had a car now, but it was still fishy. Abby didn't trust Dave, couldn't trust anyone. When you trust people, you are deceived easily. That happened too many times when she was a little girl, but it would not happen now. Not if she could stop it.

She had never seen Luka cry. Well, he shed some quiet tears when he left, but had never seen him crying alone, and drunk. Why would he waste his tears on her? She was not worth it. She didn't deserve Luka and he shouldn't have cried over someone as unworthy as her. Richard never cried over her, neither did any of her previous boyfriends. And why would they?

For five years she had talked herself into thinking that the decision she made for Luka was the best. He was in sunny California now, with a girlfriend and a great job in an elite hospital. If he stayed in Chicago it only would have caused more pain, for him, for her, for both. She had been telling herself that over and over again. It was her mantra, but a mantra which she still had to repeat. She had tried to convince herself that it was the truth, but she was never sure it was. 

Was he crying right now? Was he drunk? The mental image brought a knot to her throat. She did not want him to suffer for her. She only wanted the best thing for him and that is the reason why she sent him to California. Yet at the same time, she was angry because by leaving, he had strengthened that belief. 

"It's not easy, being green," Kermit began to sing. "Having to spend each day the color, of the leaves.  


Abby ran her hands through her hair as she came to a red light. Life wasn't working out even for inanimate green objects like Kermit. It's not easy being green, or blue, or yellow or red. She could not shake the image of Luka alone in a motel room, drunk. And it was all her fault. No, it was his fault. She begged him not to get involved with her, and he did anyway. It was his fault, his fault, his fault...

"His fault," she muttered, gritting her teeth together in rage. The light turned to green, and she dug her foot into the gas pedal so fast that the tires screeched. The honks of the cars around her made her snap and she quickly look in the rear view mirror to see if Liliana was ok. When she saw her looking out the window, she put her foot on the gas again and continued at a reasonable speed as angry drivers threatened her.

Her lower lip began to tremble and she tried to relax as Elmo sang a song to his fish Dorothy. An overwhelming feeling to cry, scream, punch, and run came over her, but once more, she bottled it down with the rest of her emotions.

~*~

Sometimes you look up at the sky and find that the clouds have different shapes, all flying across a big mantle of white like eagles. Sometimes the shapes can be recognized very easily, and sometimes you need a little help from your imagination. As Luka stared up at the sky, he tried to find any kind of shape, but couldn't. The entire sky was gray and all the clouds were huddled together, forming a huge icing of air over the earth. He wondered what the clouds were like in Hawaii. He wondered if they had days of gray skies with no sun. He wondered if the waves were constant instead of furious. He wondered if he would be able to see the whales. 

Irene is packing. Packing and waiting for him to make a decision. He would miss her if she left without him, because she was the only thing he had left. What they had he could not call love, but maybe he could call it that someday. Maybe they could have children, and together they'd run down the Hawaiian beaches together, in love and happy. Maybe her family would welcome him into their house and he would be adopted, nurtured. He desperately needed to be embraced by the arms of love. It had been five years since someone told him they loved him, since he felt truly loved. The last time Abby said it, she was smiling up at him, attached to his waist with an oven mitt in one hand and a wooden spoon in the other, chocolate icing on the tip of her nose. Five years without hearing those words made time go slower, more painfully. 

As the temperature became even lower, he adjusted his lab coat around him, looking down at all the people entering the hospital from the roof. Could Irene love him? Did she love him already. He was afraid of making the wrong decision. He was scared that once he got to Hawaii, he'd realize he made the wrong choice. He was still scared of Irene leaving. She was the key to what he needed, human contact, friends. He knew her friends would become his. Her family would become his. She would become his. And there it was, one big pro.

The clouds did not seem to be going west, they were not moving. He had been staring at them for days, and they had remained in the same place, waiting to let the rain fall. But it would not fall. He knew it was a cheap metaphor for something happening in his life, but he could not figure out what. San Diego. It was quickly losing its appeal. He loved Tom, but Irene was right, there was nothing holding him there anymore. Even nature had turned against him, the waves, the sand, the clouds, the rain. Whatever his decision would be something was certain, San Diego was not his home anymore. Hawaii was quickly winning the war. 

~*~

Almost two hours after dinner and Liliana was still wide awake. Abby put a hat in the shape of a frog on her head and approached the couch slowly as her daughter looked at her and laughed. Liliana knew what was coming, and the anticipation had her in giggles already. She watched as Abby hid behind the table, and behind a door, and then she saw her mother crawl on the floor as she reached the couch. And then all of a sudden Abby stopped moving, and laid on the floor motionless. 

Liliana laughed and looked down, watching her motionless mother. She held her little hands on the cushions for support and just when she thought it was safe, Abby jumped up on the couch, tickling her. 

"Gotcha!" Abby laughed as Liliana giggled so loud, it could be heard all over the apartment. That laugh, Abby could put it on a tape recorder and fall asleep listening to it every night. On days like the ones she had just gone through, it was the one sound that made it all better. 

"Mama," Liliana said as she begged her mother to stop, still laughing. 

Abby smiled. "Are you ready to go to bed? Because this can go on all night."

The baby began to hum and coo, looking up at the ceiling and trying to catch her breath. And then all of a sudden, Abby started tickling her again, trying to make her tired so she would go to sleep. But Liliana's eyes were wide open. She stopped laughing as Abby finished another round of tickles and Liliana grabbed Abby's finger, trying to pull herself up. 

"Come on, baby, I have an early day tomorrow," Abby protested as she smiled, and watched her daughter catching her breath. "Want another one?" Abby asked, showing her fingers.

"No," Liliana said, kicking her feet around. She put her lips together, looking up at her mother. Trying to say or remember different words, she tested her lips first, and then her tongue, and then her voice as it finally came out. "Papa."

"What?" Abby stopped all of a sudden, looking at her daughter, who was still laughing. "What did you say?" She made her sit up, and Abby looked at her seriously.

Liliana, who thought Abby was still playing, shrieked and threw herself against Abby's thigh, laughing. 

Abby picked her up, keeping her on the air in front of her. "Liliana, what did you say?"

But Liliana only hummed, playing with Abby's necklace. 

"Can you say that again?" Abby asked, bouncing the baby a little. "Can you say Papa?"

"Papa," Liliana repeated. 

Abby turned even more serious. "Who taught you that?" she asked, but the baby only cooed. She sat Liliana on the couch and looked around, as if there was someone hiding in her apartment. Her mind drew on blank as she reached for the phone, hitting only one number. "Maggie?"

"Abby? Is everything ok?" Maggie asked, recognizing Abby's angry tone of voice. 

"What have you been teaching Lily lately?" Abby asked, furious.

"What?" Maggie asked in confusion.

"You know what she just said? She said papa. Did you teach her that?" Abby asked as she stood up and began to pace the room. 

"No," Maggie said. "Why would I teach her that?"

"Is this one of your stupid games to make me to go San Diego?" Abby fumed again. 

"Abby!" Maggie protested. "I haven't taken care of Lily in weeks. When would I have time to teach her that?"

Abby just kept walking, up and down as her blood boiled. "Who else would she hear that from?"

"Abby would you calm down?" Maggie scolded. "She's in day care all day with kids who have fathers. She probably heard it form one of them and it stuck." She stayed quiet for a minute and then added. "Abby, you're going crazy. Other people would be glad she's learning to talk."

Abby only shook her head, looking at her daughter, who in return, was looking at her as if Abby was putting on a play. 

"Why are you so upset about this?" Maggie asked. 

"Because!" Abby only said. 

"Because what?" 

Anger took a hold and with a moan, Abby hung up the phone. She looked down at Lily, who was a little scared, and she picked her up. "Baby, don't say that again, okay? Please don't say that again."

Liliana looked up at her mother and put her hand on Abby's face. "Mama."

"Yeah," Abby let out a sigh as she turned off all the lights. "Let's go to sleep."

She sat on a rocking chair on the nursery as Liliana tried to fall asleep. Abby rocked herself back and forth, staring at her daughter through the bars of the crib. She could not breathe anymore. The world was coming to and end and there was nothing she could do about it but watch, and try to survive. But survive to what? She tried to remind herself that she was a mother. Being a mother made her happy. It made her very happy and it would have to be enough, despite of what Maggie had said. 

The trash can had been emptied. There was no turning back, was it? If she stopped looking back, maybe she could start to look forward. She needed to.

~*~

The night seemed excruciatingly quiet as Luka sat on his car, looking at the small house Irene lived at. A few people walked down the side walk; mothers and children carrying groceries, teenagers with their skateboards on their way home, businessmen trying to find the keys to their house... He sat there still, thinking about his decision, trying to figure out if it had been the right one.

He was about to open another chapter of his life and close another one. As he took a deep breath, he put the car keys on his pocket and walked out. He had walked this path hundreds of times but never really stopped to see all the cracks on the sidewalk, all the lines which weren't even parallel. He opened the small gate with his hand and walked the path to her door, standing there and looking at the doorbell. 

With a numbness he knew would cease to be in a couple of seconds, he rang the doorbell once, and waited. He looked up, but could not see the stars in the sky. The clouds were still there, not moving, looking even darker despite the obscurity of the night. 

He heard steps. 

Turning over, he faced the door and then her when she opened it to let him in. Holding his hand, she stood up to kiss him gently on the lips. Luka put his hand on the side of her face, and suddenly a draft of wind pushed him inside the house. The door closed behind him, and in front of him, a warm house, waiting for him to occupy its empty space.

~*~

The moon made its way into Abby's bedroom as she stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. She stopped tossing and turning and was now immobilized, wrapped tightly by blankets of silence. The world seemed to be spinning out of control. First her mother bought her a ticket to San Diego, then she learned of Luka's state of mind after she let him down, and now her own daughter was calling for a father Abby didn't have for her.

She couldn't even trust her own body anymore. Tears jumped out when she ordered them not to, headaches took over her when she couldn't afford them, and she could still feel that sensation inside of her, as if something bad was about to happen. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Liliana as a six year old girl, crying for her father. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Luka alone in a hotel room, drinking from a bottle. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Luka in love and happy, with his girlfriend and the sunny shores of California.

It was a tsunami of emotions she couldn't run away from. The ceiling was flat and white, and staring at it was a source of comfort. If she could stop time right then, maybe the tide would cease to be. It did for a moment, only to come back with full force and smash her against the wall.

_... "Where are we going?" Abby asked as Luka walked behind her, covering her eyes with his hand._

"You'll see," Luka teased.

Through his tone of voice she could tell that he was smiling. She wasn't. Despite the game, she could not bring herself to smile or have fun. Her body felt a hundred pounds heavier and she had to hold on to Luka's hand. The battle against the depression had been a long and hard one, and the more she fought, the more it was evident that she was losing. 

And then, Luka stopped. He removed his hand from her eyes and rested his chin on her shoulder. 

It took Abby a while to adjust her eyes to the darkness, and found it wasn't all that dark, because there were candles lit all over the apartment. She looked at the silver wear resting on the table and turned to him. "What's this?"

Luka smiled. "A nice romantic dinner after a long day." He pulled out a chair for her, and then sat down himself, nervous, his hands sweating. They ate in silence and he stole glances at Abby every now and then. She had been eating less and less, and somehow looked as if the life had been drained out of her. He had been trying to avoid the subject of children since the announcement that she was infertile, but hoped this would make it all better. 

When the dinner was over, he put on some soft music and invited her out to the living room to dance. She took his hand and he pulled her up, and rested his head on top of hers as the music continued. 

They danced in silence, until he lowered his head to her ear. "I love you, Abby." She didn't say anything, and he pulled away suddenly. She had a confused look in her face, and when he got to one knee and pulled out a velvet box from his pocket, she looked away as millions of her emotions ran across her face.

"Abby Lockhart, I love you like I never thought it would be possible to love again. Will you bee my wife?"...

Abby turned to her side, watching the red buttons of her alarm clock. The knot on her throat wouldn't let her breathe, and she sat on her bed. A painful bolt traveled from her fingers to her eyes and she suddenly began to cry. She buried her face in her hands, rocking herself back and forth. Her mind reminded her that Abby Lockhart doesn't cry, and she scolded herself to a halt. Careful not to wake the baby up, she grabbed some tissues from the bathroom and dabbed her cheeks dry. Looking at herself in the mirror, she realized she could not recognize what she saw anymore. She had been wearing the mask of denial for a long time. Now it was beginning to be removed slowly, and there was nothing there but watery eyes and a runny nose. Her head was pounding and her surroundings were not familiar anymore. In a prolonged moment of confusion, she grabbed the phone resting on her night stand and pressed one number.

"Mom?... Yeah, I'm fine... Um, can you take care of Lily for a while?"

To be continued...


	10. You are Fire; I am Rain (B)

Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me.

Author's notes: Sorry for the delay

"You are Fire; I am Rain" by Carolina

The joy of airports. Thousands of people pushing each other, speaking languages he couldn't understand. Hundreds of useless stores all lined up together, selling items ten times more expensive as they are out into the real world. Pages no one could understand and white courtesy phones no one could find. It was the same all day everyday no matter what city you find yourself stranded at.

As Luka walked, he looked around, taking in all the people's faces. Some had smiles from ear to ear. Some were waiting for their planes, too bored to notice anything around them. Some were crying, and clinging on to their loved ones as they said good bye.

He tightened his grip on the blue bag on his left hand and stroked the back of Irene's neck with the right. It seemed to be the longest walk of his life. He could not yet understand why he always got that last gate, the one hidden in some secret corner. Too many people were walking around them and he tried to be careful not to step on tens of children that were running around without adult supervision. 

He looked at Irene, who was too quiet for his liking. "Do you want something to drink or eat? Or a magazine?"

Irene woke up from her reverie and looked at him. "No, thanks."

He smiled at her and she smiled back. When they finally reached the gate, a female voice came on the intercom. 

"Flight 314 to Honolulu is now boarding rows forty, to thirty four. Again, flight 314 to Honolulu, rows forty to thirty four."

Irene kept looking at the woman, and turned to Luka. "Are you sure about this?"

Luka half smiled. "Yeah."

Irene nodded, looking around. She finally looked at Luka and smiled. "I'm gonna miss you."

Luka smiled warmly, stroking her arms. "Me too."

Irene looked around again and then up at him. "Maybe you can visit some time. I'll teach you how to surf."

Luka chuckled. "If it's anything like your cooking..."

"Hey," she elbowed him. 

"Flight 314 to Honolulu now boarding rows thirty three to twenty five. Thirty three to twenty five."

Irene looked over at the woman and then up at Luka. "That's me."

Luka pressed his lips together. Putting his hand under her chin, he lifted her head and gave her a kiss on the lips. Instead of kissing him back, she fell into his embrace and hugged him tight. 

At that moment, Luka felt his stomach boil. He wasn't lying when he said he'd miss her. Irene had given him a hand when he needed someone's touch the most. She invited him to her house when everyone else avoided him. And even though maybe in the future they could fall in love, in the present, they weren't. Luka had risked too much in the past. If he was in love with her, he would have gone in a second. That was the part that bothered him the most. He hadn't really had a chance to get to know her better. Maybe if he had, he would be going into that airplane with her. But once again life had turned into nothing but predicaments and dilemmas. He was sick of it, sick of having to hide his cards and play against someone who had a better hand than him. 

He had decided to fold. He had been holding himself back because he didn't want to hurt her. When he explained the reasons as to why he wanted, or rather needed, to stay, he could taste the disappointment in her eyes. For a moment he thought of taking it all back, packing his bags and joining her. But he needed more time. He needed clarity. He could not make a decision like that in days; it was impossible. At the end of the night, she understood and he watched her smile more confidently. He thought that night would be a torture, but instead it turned out to be a sigh of relief. She understood, that was the card that saved the game.

Irene pulled back, smiling up at him. "What are you gonna do?"

Luka shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I might go back home." It was a possibility, although not a pleasant one. Home wasn't home anymore, but neither was San Diego. He was hovering in mid air, not knowing where to go. He knew there was a city with his name out there somewhere, and he still had a little energy left to seek it out. 

Irene played with the sleeves of his shirt, smiling. "Well, I better go before someone takes my blanket."

Luka bit his lower lip, and he hugged her again. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"I know how to take care of myself, Luka. It's you I worry about," she said. 

Luka decided to ignore that and pulled back. "Call me as soon as you get there."

"I will." She picked up her bag, and dug for her plane ticket. Turning around, she walked over to stand in line. After a couple of seconds, she turned back to see Luka staring at the floor. "Luka?" he turned around, and she pointed to her mouth. "Smile."

Luka smiled, and waved his hand good bye. He kept looking as her ticket was torn and she looked back before walking into the plane. He stood there, waiting for all the rows to be called. Walking over the crystal windows, he watched as the plane ran down the runway and took off so quickly that when he blinked, it was gone. The clouds were gray and the day cold, and as he stood there he said a little prayer for her safety. 

When everything was over, he sat down in one of the chairs, watching as other planes took off as well. Another chapter closed, and now he would have to open another; but which one? He stared at the gray clouds, and through the windows heard the loud thunders that were beginning to roar in the sky. He thought about Croatia, and what he had left there. His father would love to have him back, so would his brother. So would hundreds of ex girlfriends who still asked about him. 

He thought of the Croatian crystalline ocean, and the many hours of comfort he spent on the coast. He thought of the country, and the many hours him and his brother would spend playing on the farm. He had never been hesitant to go for visits and holidays. His family was there, and so were his old friends. But as the years passed, every time he went back he found himself being more of a stranger in his own land. 

Slapping his thighs, he stood up and decided it was too soon to plan the next move. He had been swimming against the current of the river since he lost his family and now he would simply let himself be taken away with it. With a little luck, he would end up in the warmth of the ocean. 

~*~

The quiet roar of the car's engine came to a stop when Luka occupied the single parking space in front of his house. He played with the keys on his hand as he stared at his home. He had so much invested in San Diego; a house, a car, bank accounts, investments, a good job... yet it was all material. San Diego was a cave where he was hiding to avoid the rain, and looking around him, he could see the faces of many others just like him, waiting to the cave to succumb, to bury them. 

But that was not him. He was a young man and he would pull through. Life had taught him that no matter how many times you fall down, you simply have to get up and keep walking. It was something that took time to learn. There were many times when he stayed down, waiting for someone or something to save him. But man is a fool if he believes life is full of miracles. When you are down, looking up, no one saves you, no one offers a hand, no one picks you up. You have to do that all by yourself. The realization was like a dagger to his heart. Back then he did not have the strength to even look up. 

It is the strangest of things. He could not remember the exact time and day when he got the strength to pick up the remaining of his life and keep walking. He could not even remember when he decided to do so. One day he found himself feeling again, breathing, living. It is a wonderful feeling, one he knew he would feel again. For five years he had made the mistake of holding on to the past, and that was the reason as to why he remained down. He could let go now, and no longer look up with desire; he would get up.

He played with the keys on his hand before he opened the door. An eerie silence filled the house, and he suddenly was hit by the realization that Irene was gone. The house was never quiet or empty with her cleaning everything and talking about some childhood story. Weird, he couldn't remember any of them now. Hearing her talk about her happy family, her dream childhood, her many rendezvous with love... it hurt. Then she would find him staring straight ahead and shake her head, always asking what was on his mind. He was suddenly also grateful when he realized Irene never really broke the code to his being. And yet it was sad that he had never given her the combination. There was one thing he knew well when he decided to stay, and that was that Irene deserved better than him; someone who could give her his divine attention, his whole being, someone who could love her.

He threw the keys on a nearby plate and stared at the door for a while. Strange to think that just a piece of wood separated him from the unknown, from life. Just like rivers separate countries and the earth from heaven and hell, his future awaited somewhere out there, waiting for him just outside the door. 

As he stood there, that eerie silence became more weary. He felt some movement, but stood still for a moment. Suddenly remembering he had left the door to the porch open he turned around to close it before the whole house filled with sand. 

His first reaction was to jump back against the door. Breathing heavily, he looked up to see the serious face of Abby Lockhart, looking at him with her arms closed. His heart kept jumping, but he straightened himself up.

"Didn't your mom ever teach you to lock your doors when you go out?" Abby asked, looking at the open sliding door.

Luka stroked his tie three times and looked around, trying to appear nonchalant. "What are you doing here?" he asked simply as he began his walk into the kitchen. 

"You don't have to play cool, Luka. You don't wear it well," Abby replied, standing still. 

Luka buried his head into the refrigerator, feeling the cool air massaging his face. Grabbing a cup, he poured himself a glass of water and drank it quickly, knowing he was being watched. When he finished, he set the glass on the counter and stared at Abby, waiting for an explanation. When she gave him only a blank stare, he walked into the living room again, standing in front of her with his hands on his waist.

"Nice house," Abby said, looking around. 

Luka said nothing, but kept staring at her. 

She finally looked at him letting out a sigh, and played with her fingers. "I was hoping we could talk."

Luka finally moved from his statuesque position and picked up some magazines from the couch, putting them on the table neatly. "What do we have to talk about?"

"Things," Abby curled her mouth, looking down. 

"Things?" Luka asked, turning to face her. "Like what, the weather?"

"You don't have to be an ass, Luka," Abby hissed, feeling her anger boiling inside her stomach. 

Luka chuckled mirthlessly. "I'm sorry, Abby. Forgive me if I think there's nothing to talk about."

"I think there is," Abby added.

"**You **think we need to talk?" Luka asked in disbelief. "For what? So we can be friends now? Call each other every month? Send each other Birthday Cards? Merry Christmas, Abby!"

She recoiled at his bitterness and sarcasm, and worked up her courage to step forward. "Look, it wasn't easy... for me, to get on that plane..."

"Abby," Luka interrupted, dropping his head. "I'm not..."

"Look can you just hear... what I have to say?" Abby asked as she took a step forward in a brief moment of frustration. She took a small breath, looking at the couch. "I don't like how we left things."

"There's no more we, Abby. You made that very clear," Luka added. 

"I know," Abby said. "But I know there's more things you want to say."

Luka shook his head with an amused smiled. "Abby my girlfriend, or my ex girlfriend, just moved away and she's not coming back. I'm not in the best mood to talk about us."

Abby looked to the side, and then down. "Oh. I'm sorry about that."

"Don't worry," Luka said under his breath. 

There was a long silence, and neither moved or said anything. Abby kept playing nervously with her fingers, thinking this was a bad idea after all. She was right, and Maggie had been wrong. But inside of her she could still hear that anger eating her insides, rising through her throat. 

She gave Maggie a second chance. "Look, I said some things I didn't mean, when you went back."

Luka shook his head in amusement. "No, Abby. You meant everything you said, and I meant everything I said. So that's where we stand."

"This has been driving my crazy for days, Luka. I'm not going to let you ruin it," Abby said. Another thunder roared outside and it began to rain slightly.

"Ruin what?" Luka asked frowning. "Ruin your life? I am not the reason why we're here, Abby."

"And I am?" Abby asked, reaching her boiling point. 

Luka let out a sigh and rubbed his forehead, trying to run away. "Abby, we've been through this."

"No we haven't, Luka. You keep telling me you left because I asked you to," Abby replied. 

"And that's the truth!" Luka yelled. 

"Is it, Luka?" Abby asked, crossing her arms in front of her. 

Luka's head spun around in annoyance and he walked to towards the porch to close the sliding door and prevent the rain from getting in, feeling a little dizzy. He then turned around and leaned against the crystal. "What do you want me to say, Abby? That I was cheating on you? Or that I left because I didn't love you? Would that make you feel better?"

"Of course not!" Abby said sternly as she paced around the coffee table, forcing herself to stand strong.

"Then what? What do you want from me? To take blame for everything?" Luka yelled at her. 

"You're the one who left," Abby yelled back. 

Suddenly there was a loud thunder and it began to rain heavily. Luka looked away in disbelief, shaking his head. "Why do you keep doing this?" he asked in a softer tone.

"Do what?" Abby asked. 

"Keep bringing this up. I left because you wanted me to leave. You told me we could never he happy and that it could never work. That's why I left and you **know** that. So stop blaming me when you know well it was **your** fault!" he added more coldly.

Abby kept looking down, biting on her lower lip. She gave it a moment of silence to try and control her anger, but control was something she couldn't count on anymore.

"You didn't answer my question," Luka added, crossing his arms. "What are you doing here?"

Abby looked to the side, trying to think, trying to come up with a fake excuse. 

"I thought you wanted me to go on my way so you could go on yours," Luka added bitterly before she could talk.

"I never said that," Abby said defensively. 

Luka narrowed his eyes, "What did you say, Abby? Because I remember you saying that I would be better off in Dallas."

"You were already thinking about it!" Abby added sternly as her arms flew in the air. "You went to the interview behind my back. You already had a job, a place to live. You never consulted anything with me, Luka... you were already gone!"

"I wasn't going to if you asked me to stay," Luka growled.

"So what was I supposed to do?" Abby raised her voice again. "Get on my knees and beg you for a second chance?"

"No!" Luka yelled. "I wanted you to tell me if you were willing to work on our problems. I wanted you to believe that **_we _**had a second chance."

"Oh come on, Luka," Abby said and began to pace around. "You wanted out of there more than anything. If you wanted to stay, you would have never had that interview. And that's why I asked you to leave, because deep down you couldn't stand it anymore."

Luka kept staring at her for a moment, putting his hands on his hips. He knew that part of that was true, he went to the interview because he was making a back up plan. Part of him was hoping Abby would come out of her depression and they would be happy again, but part of him knew that having children was not an option anymore, and they could never be the same. 

He moved away from the sliding door. "So now we're trying to see things that aren't there again. Didn't we have this same conversation when you were after Carter?"

The anger rose up her throat and straight into her brain. She turned to Luka with a look of disbelief. "How dare you."

"Didn't you say the same thing back then? That I sent you off to that charity ball with him because I didn't care?" Luka added bitterly.

"I was **never **after Carter and don't you ever even consider the possibility that I am going to cheat on someone, especially you," Abby spit out through clenched teeth.

Luka felt a little bad, but his blood was pumping fast and his head pounding painfully. The ocean was furious and he was afraid the waves might actually reach his house. Thunders were roaring outside and the rain was coming down heavily on the ground.

"So what else is there to say, Abby?" Luka asked. "Because I am very tired of getting closer only to have you push me away and I am not going to start playing that game tonight."

"No one is playing games," Abby said louder. "And I didn't come here to blame you for anything. I am sorry your girlfriend left, Luka. But that was not my fault!"

Luka chuckled, looking away. "You know, Irene was a good woman, and I think I would have been very lucky to go with her. But do you know what happened every time she was around? I kept thinking about you. And she kept asking me what I was thinking about, why I was so quiet, why I wouldn't talk to her. Do you think it was easy for me to leave, Abby? You are not the only victim here. You have no idea how many times I came close to falling apart just because you thought I wanted to leave!" he yelled. 

Abby shook her head. "Why did you have that interview, Luka? If you thought everything was so good then why were you looking for an escape."

"I wasn't looking for an escape. I asked you to marry me, you said no. What am I supposed to make of that," Luka asked as he paced around. 

"Don't blame it on the proposal, Luka. It wasn't easy for me either, but I didn't run away from my problems," Abby added. 

"No, you just blamed them on your mother, or on Richard, or on me! But it was never about you, Abby. I tried everything to make you happy, **everything.** But all you did was feel sorry for yourself and to hell with the rest of us!"

Abby laughed mirthlessly. "Don't tell me I know everything about that, Luka. Or don't you remember when we first started dating. You never talked to me about your problems. You never told me anything about your past. You would go into your little secluded room and away from anyone else. So don't tell me about making everyone miserable with my problems because you do exactly the same thing."

"Ok," Luka slapped his hands on the side of his thighs. "So I guess that makes us a match made in heaven, or is it hell?"

Abby took a deep breath and let it out, feeling so angry, that it made her nauseous. This was futile, and was getting them nowhere. "You know what? Coming here was a bad idea, Luka. I was hoping we could talk and at least reach some kind of agreement but clearly you don't want any of that." She located her purse and picked it up. 

"So you're running away from the problem now," Luka said, watching her movements. 

"It's something I learned from you," Abby muttered. 

Luka sat on a stool by the counter, watching her. This must be a dream. Yeah. He came home and passed out on the couch and was now dreaming of Abby. She had a way of tormenting him even in his sleep. But it felt too real, his anger, the frustration. He wanted to stop fighting, but couldn't. It was what they did best. 

"You know, Abby, I'd be willing to give my life for you. All I wanted was to make you happy, but you never let me, so now this is what we have left, you on one side of the country and me in the other," he added. 

Abby turned to him, with her eyes half full with tears. "You know what hurt me the most, Luka? Sooner or later I was going to start feeling better and we both knew that. But you didn't love me enough to wait for that. And I did come out of that depression, but you were already gone. And where did that left me? Nowhere. And you knew that leaving was a mistake even before you talked to me about it. I know you knew it was a mistake. But when you walked out that door that was it, you were just another Richard," she said bitterly, every word burning her lips.

Luka stood up and pointed his finger at her. "Don't **ever** compare me to that scum, ever!"

"How can I not, Luka?" Abby asked rhetorically. "It's the same situation."

"Don't put me and Richard on the same team, Abby. None of this would have happened if you wouldn't have had that abortion." As soon as the words escaped his mouth, he shrunk down five feet.

Abby looked up at him in slow motion, tasting the anger in her lips. She shook her head slightly, and a couple of tears traveled down her cheek. "Fuck you, Luka."

Luka dropped his head and then looked up at her. "I'm sorry."

Abby found her keys and readjusted her purse on her shoulder. "I don't ever wanna see you again."

He watched as she madly opened the door and ran out into the rain. "Abby." He followed out. The rain was cold and coming down as if it was the end of the world. "Abby!" he called out. 

But Abby ignored him. She kept walking quickly as hot tears escaped her eyes. Pain. That was all she was destined to feel. Pain and disappointment. She felt Luka running towards her and she turned her head slightly. "Leave me alone!"

Luka's feet ran in and out of puddles of rain as he tried to reach her. "Abby please." The rain was making it almost impossible for him to hear what she was saying, but that didn't stop him. The heel of her shoe was caught between two pebbles and she fell forward to the ground. Luka ran faster, coming to her aid. 

"Don't touch me!" Abby yelled at him as she tried crawl away. Her hand hurt and she could see blood dripping from a small wound.

"Come on, Abby," Luka tried to grab her arm but she pulled away. 

"I said don't touch me!" she repeated, crying her anger away.

"Abby, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," Luka begged as the cold rain gave him goose bumps. He moved closer to her, but she punched his arm. 

"You have no right to judge me!" she yelled, punching his arm and his back.

"I don't," Luka said, trying to get a hold of her arms, trying to calm her down, but she was almost on fire. He moved closer, sitting next to her on the ground. She kept punching him everywhere she could, mumbling something madly. He tried to put his arm around her but she pushed it away. 

"Don't touch me!" she continued, breathing faster, trying not to drown in herself. 

Luka grabbed both her hands with his and pinned her body against his, trying to tame her anger, stop her tears. She struggled to get away from him, but when he wouldn't let her, she began to sob harder and clung her hand from his neck, crying against his soaked shirt. 

"Shh," Luka tried to sooth her, stroking her wet hair. "I'm sorry, Abby," he said truthfully, feeling he had no right to be called a man. He rocked her back and forth but she wouldn't stop crying. The rain was falling down madly and it seemed to have no end. She pulled his shirt down with her fist and each one of her muscles was tense, burning. 

Luka tried to get up but she would only pull him down harder. So he sat there and let her cry, and many of his own tears went unnoticed, mixing with the rain. He ran his hand in and out of her hair, apologizing over and over into her ear. He knew he had no right into that topic, but it would always be a thorn inside his heel. It was Abby's body, and she had the right to do with it whatever she wanted, but he loved her, and her decision had ruined their lives. 

"Come on," he whispered into her ear but she was still sobbing, endless like the rain. "We are going to get sick, come on."

After a lot of struggle, he got her up, and they both quietly stumbled into the house. 

~*~

"Can you wiggle your fingers?" Luka asked as he sat in a stool in front of Abby, a blanket thrown over her shoulders. Her eyes were red and swollen and her face tired. He tried to work carefully so he wouldn't wake her up from her hypnotized state.

Abby wiggled her fingers slowly, watching as Luka put butterfly stitches on her small cut. Her head was so low she could see the buttons on her own shirt, and her temples were pounding painfully. 

"Does that hurt?" Luka asked.

Abby couldn't tell, she couldn't feel anything other than her headache, so she shook her head.

"Good," Luka said in a low tone. "Doesn't seem like it's broken." But Abby didn't say anything. She hadn't said anything since he brought her in and dried her up. His eyes looked up at her as he cut another small piece of white tape and put it carefully on her hand with tweezers. He grabbed her hand gently and inspected it for further injuries, and then put it down on the counter again. "Looks okay, maybe a little scar. If you want to go to the hospital we can."

"That's ok," Abby finally said, so low he could only tell what she said by the movement of her lips.

Luka kept staring at her and nodded. "Where are you staying?"

She removed the blanket from her shoulders and put it on a chair. "I'm going home."

Luka watched as she stood up and began to look for her keys, and he followed. "Abby, please stay."

Abby began to feel the tears coming again but made them stop. She shook her head no, unable to locate her purse. 

"I can sleep on the couch. You shouldn't go out like this," Luka added. 

"Like what?" Abby asked defensively. "Like a crazy woman?"

He stared at her and then pointed outside. "I meant in this weather."

Abby shook her head again. "Mom's taking care of Lily, I don't feel comfortable leaving her like that."

"I'm sure she's fine," Luka replied, putting his hands on his hips. He looked as she walked around aimlessly and added. "Abby why did you really come?"

"I have to go," Abby ignored him. 

"Not before you tell me why you came," he added, daring her. 

Abby stopped walking, looking down at the floor so he wouldn't be able to look at her face. "Luka, please. This is embarrassing enough."

"I won't judge you, I promise" Luka said, walking closer. He sat on the couch, thinking it would make things more comfortable and maybe she would communicate with him, tell him what was on her mind. Despite the earlier emotional exchange, there were still things needed to be said. As he saw it, if they admitted to their feelings, maybe things were not over. And he knew that if he let her walk out that door, he would lose her forever. 

Abby looked around wearily, almost like a pray being hunted. She wanted to leave, wanted to go home to her daughter and close this chapter. Her anger brought her here, and now that her anger was gone, she found herself alone and helpless.

Ignoring all the warning signs on her head, she sat on the couch, as far away from him as she could. She expected him to ask the same question or at least to start the conversation, but he didn't. The result was minutes of silence in which she looked as her fingers danced with each other. She was very aware of her position, caught by the search light. She now had to explain herself and she didn't know how. 

"Maggie thought I should come," she said, a lame excuse she only used to buy herself some time. 

"Why?" Luka asked, staring at her. He could practically touch her discomfort, but decided to let her unfold herself. 

"I don't know," Abby added looking around. "She said I had to talk to you."

Luka frowned, wondering what Maggie was up to, what Maggie knew. He hadn't received a phone call from her, hadn't seen her in years. He leaned forward, and rested his elbows on his thighs. "You never agree with anything Maggie says, Abby. Why did **_you_** come?"

Abby closed her eyes and opened them to look to her side. She suddenly smiled mirthlessly. "You know what Lily said? She said papa."

Luka looked forward, and a flashback of the day at the zoo in front of the elephants flashed before his eyes. He looked at Abby again, who was beginning to let the walls fall. 

"I didn't... I didn't think it would bother me when she did," she continued, never looking at him. "I thought she would just ask me who was her dad was, and then I'd tell her that she was adopted. But then when she said that, I realized that some day she was gonna ask why she doesn't have a father."

Luka nodded, understanding. 

"And it made me mad, because she deserves to have someone she can call daddy." She sniffed, looking down. "That night I just... it made me think of the day you proposed." She looked at him finally, "It's my fault that she doesn't have a dad, and that makes me angry."

Luka nodded again, looking at her. He still didn't know how that related to her coming here, but at least it was a start. "It's not your fault, Abby. She does have a father."

"But she'll never get to see him," Abby said. Looking away, she let her body relax some more, easing the pain off her back. 

Luka tried to think of what to say, something that would make her feel better. Whatever it was, it would probably be the lesser of two evils. There was no way the last five years could be erased or covered by showers of I love you and kisses. 

He stroked his face with his hand and looked at her again. "If we would have gotten married maybe we would have never found her, Abby. It's not your fault, it's just the way things work."

Abby shook her head skeptically. "Then Dave told me he talked to you."

Luka frowned, confused.

"When you left. He said he used to call you," Abby explained. 

He nodded again, and looked back down. "That was five years ago, Abby."

"It's still my fault," she said. 

"It's nobody's fault. I should have known it was a bad time to propose," Luka said. 

Abby looked at him, and then down at her hands. She sniffed and cleared her throat. "I didn't want you to leave," she said in almost desperation. "I, when I was married to Richard the same thing happened. I got depressed and he left me because of it..."

"You thought I was going to leave you because you were depressed?" Luka interrupted, watching as she nodded a little. "Abby."

"He promised he'd be with me forever; for better or worse," she said defensively. 

Luka looked away, mad. "How can you think like that? How can you **_ever_** think like that. I am not Richard, Abby."

"I know," Abby said softly.

"How can you even think like that," he repeated in disbelief.

"I said I know," Abby said louder, watching as he clenched his fists and pressed his lips together in anger. She shook her head and stood up. "This was a bad idea."

He watched as she reached for her purse and he reached for her wrist, not letting her walk away. She looked down at him and he had her sit down again. After another uncomfortable silence, he added, "That still doesn't answer my question."

Abby looked around, irritated. "Luka, what do you want me to say?"

"I want you to tell me the truth," Luka answered, trying not to get mad, but loosing the battle.

"I already told you," Abby said, sitting away from him.

"You came all the way to San Diego because Lily said Papa?" Luka asked incredulously. 

Abby massaged her temples, looking down at the floor. She stopped and rested her elbows on her knees. "I came to say I'm sorry, okay?" She looked at him, "I'm sorry that I told you to leave even when I wanted you to stay."

The night was beginning to set in and Luka looked out his porch, looking out to the sea. This was very uncomfortable, Abby was right. Talking to her was like talking to someone who didn't speak the same language. She always avoided his question, and when she answered, she did so ambiguously. It frustrated him. When they were together, it was something he hoped he could change. It always took him more time trying to get her to let the walls down than actually talking about what bothered her. 

He looked at her, and found her staring at her hands again. Her face changed and she looked as if she was about to cry. He had to look away. 

"I'm scared," she added, her voice trembling. 

"Why?" Luka asked. 

Abby shook her head a little. Tears were coming and they were giving her an even more painful headache. She sniffed and removed a strand of hair away from her face. "I can't fix it."

Luka looked at her for a moment, not knowing what to say. All he had on his head was questions. 

"Maggie said I could, but I can't," she added. 

"Fix what?" Luka finally asked. 

Abby took a deep breath, looking forward. "I took care of Maggie since I was little. Then I stopped drinking. I got over Richard and I finished med school. I didn't... I always thought deep down that I could be happy, but I can't. I can't do it," she added as if she wasn't hearing him, as if she was talking to herself in her room. 

"We were happy, Abby," Luka said in regret. 

Abby shook her head, looking down at her nails. "We were happy when we thought we could have a family. But after I found out I couldn't, I went to bed every night thinking about you. You wanted to have children, and I couldn't give them to you. You had done so much for me, and I wanted to give you a child. But I couldn't, I can't make you happy."

Luka frowned, looking at her. "Abby, if I wanted a woman only to have a baby I could choose anyone. I loved you just the same if not more. And now you know that having a child is not about biology, it's about a bond."

Abby nodded, still looking down. "I still felt like I wasn't worthy."

"You are," Luka said. 

Abby leaned back against the couch, looking at the ceiling. "I still think about it, all the time. When I see those women giving birth... I love my daughter, but I'll always wonder."

Luka looked around, drained and tired. He looked back at Abby, still wondering if this was a dream. "I know about wondering, Abby. Don't, it will ruin your life."

Abby looked at Luka, and down at his hands. "I'm sorry, Luka. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I'm sorry too," Luka said. He sat closer to her and put his arm around her shoulder, letting her rest her head on his breast. He closed his eyes, hearing the sounds of the rain as it came down on his house and the sand. He felt a couple of Abby's tears as they were absorbed by his shirt and touched his skin. Stroking her arm with his thumb and feeling at peace, he closed his eyes for a moment, just a moment.

When he opened them again, it was well into the night. His neck hurt, but when he tried to move he realized Abby was sleeping against him in the same position she had been crying. His shirt had been wet but now it was dry again, with soft stains of humidity along the buttons. Looking around, he tried to make the numbers on the clock of his stove but it was too far away. He could only assume it was around or after midnight. 

He looked down at Abby, whose eyes were still swollen along with the rest of her face. But she was quiet, breathing silently. A shooting pain traveled from the base of his spine to his neck and he winced quietly, trying not to wake her. He located his watch on the coffee table in front of them, but realized he wouldn't be able to reach it without waking her up. Using his left foot, he took off his right shoe and tried to reach for the watch with his toes. He finally was able to hold it tight and reached for it with his hand. 3:46. He had to be at work at five and had not even showered yet. 

He glanced down at Abby, who was still sleeping, and then at the phone. Tom had already called his attention for being distracted at work, and he would definitely not appreciate a call to request a day off, especially after already making his decision. 

Letting out a sigh, he slowly put his free arm under Abby's legs and lifted her up. She quickly accommodated against him and Luka shook his head, walking towards his bedroom. After laying her down on his bed, he reached for the covers to keep her warm. She turned to the side, putting one arm under the pillow, and let out a sigh. Luka glanced at the clock on his night table, and then sat down in front of it. Putting his head in his hands, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. What would he do now? What would he tell her when she wakes up? What does her visit mean? Trying to put everything out of his mind, he stood up and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water drain away his confusion. 

When he stepped out she was still sleeping, and he changed quickly, glancing back at her every once in a while. Once he was all dressed up, he walked over and looked down at her. Five years. What was it about this woman that made time lose its essence? How can she make seconds seem like weeks and years seem like minutes? It would always remain a mystery to Luka.

He cleared some hair out of her face and kissed her cheek. For a moment he thought of waking her up to tell her he'd be back, but she looked so peaceful that waking her up seemed like a sin. 

He found a piece of paper on a drawer and grabbed a pen from the kitchen counter. Sitting down, he shook the old pen a couple of times and hunched over.

_Dear Abby,_

No, too forward.

_Abby,_

I have to go to work but will be back for lunch. Please don't go anywhere, we need to talk.

No, that would definitely scare her away.

_Please don't go anywhere, I'm sure the baby is ok. There's breakfast in the refrigerator and if you need anything else, call me at work._

He stared at the letter, and flinched slightly at it.

_Love,_

No, too cheesy.

_Best wishes,_

Too grandma.

_Wishing you were here,_

He chuckled and signed across the page.

_Luka._

He pinned the note on the refrigerator door with a magnet and grabbed his coat. After making sure everything looked ok, very reluctantly he reached for his keys and walked out of his house, which strangely enough, felt somehow like home.

~*~ 

"They think I don't know, they think I don't know, but I know," a man said quickly as Luka tried to close a big wound across his arm.

"How did you do this, Mr. Blest," Luka asked, keeping his eye on the wound.

"They! They did it!" the man replied quickly.

"Who's they?"

"The aliens."

Luka looked up immediately. "Aliens."

The man looked around suspiciously and leaned in closer to Luka. "In the bay, they come at night."

Luka nodded, looking around for the nurse.

"I was this close to going with them, this close!" the man grunted as he showed a small amount of space with his fingers. He shifted on his seat nervously, "Hey, do you wanna go?"

"To space?" Luka asked, trying to repress a smile.

"They only take the good ones, they want the smart ones so they can analyze them, see?" Mr. Blest said. 

Luka cleared his throat and looked up. "I like it here on earth," he replied, taping the gauze down. 

Mr. Blest shook his hand in the air and slapped his head. "Shut up, I'm telling him," he whispered to himself. "They're blowing us up," he continued telling Luka. 

Luka simply nodded and at the same time the door to the room opened. "Martin?" a woman said kindly as she walked in. 

Martin looked up and his face turned even more serious. "I won't be committed."

"Martin, we're just going to talk," the psychiatrist said gently.

"No! I won't be committed! I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I have a wife! I wanna go home! I won't be committed!" Martin yelled louder, running to a corner of the room. 

"Haldol and Thorazine?" Luka asked the doctor.

"Yeah," she replied as the man continued to scream and shake.

After a long physical struggle, Martin was finally taken out of the room and into the psychiatric ward. Luka took off his gloves and threw them into a bin, rubbing his temples. He hadn't been able to concentrate all day and every time he got his hands on a phone to call home, someone appointed him to another task. He approached the desk, looking around the semi full board. He felt a hand slap on his shoulders and Luka turned around to see Tom standing behind him, reading a chart and drinking coffee.

"How was the goodbye?" Tom asked, still looking down at the chart.

"Better than I thought," Luka replied, sprinkling every drop of truth.

"When you talk to her, tell her I said hi," Tom added. 

"Yeah," Luka said absentmindedly. He kept staring at his boss' chart, wondering what to say, or if he should say anything at all. Tom was his friend, and maybe he could help him figure things out. "Um, Tom?"

"Dr. Kovac?" a receptionist called from behind them. 

Luka rolled his eyes and turned around slowly. "Yes, Gloria?"

"You have a visitor," Gloria said and produced Abby as if from thin air. 

"Abby," Luka said, looking back at Tom. "What are you doing here?"

Abby half smiled and looked around, mesmerized at the luxury of the hospital. "So, do you have to have good credit references to be treated here?"

Tom started laughing loudly and obnoxiously, looking at Abby. 

Luka pressed his lips together and reached for Abby, making her take some steps forward. "Tom, this is Abby from Chicago, Abby, Tom."

"Hi," Abby shook his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Abby from Chicago," Tom smiled and looked at Luka, who looked a little uneasy. He looked at Abby again and opened his mouth in recognition. "Oh, Abby from Chicago. Well," he added and watched her get nervous. "I thought you'd be taller."

"You know, Abby," Luka jumped in, guiding her away from Tom and the reception. "Why don't you... wait for me over in chairs, I'll be right there."

"Ok," Abby said. "Nice to meet you, Tom."

"You too, honey," Tom replied. 

Luka let out a sigh and approached Tom, massaging his temples. 

"You don't waste time, do you?" Tom joked. 

Luka shook his head, not amused. "I didn't know she was coming."

"So what's going on now?" Tom asked, going back to his chart.

"I don't know, I don't know what to do. She's going to leave, and I want her to stay," Luka said in frustration.

"So tell her that," Tom replied. 

"You don't know Abby, everything I say she goes and does the opposite," Luka added. 

Tom smiled. "Looks like you got yourself a marriage there, Luka."

Luka put his hands on his hips and stared straight ahead, trying to think, but the more he tried, the more that cloud of black inside of him clouded his judgment. He looked around for a moment and then at Tom. "Can I take fifteen minutes?"

"Ten. And hurry up, we have patients," Tom replied.

"Thanks, Tom," Luka taped Tom's shoulder and walked over the waiting area, where Abby was watching the news. 

"Oh, good," a woman walked over to him, "My husband has hemorrhoids, and we've been waiting a while."

Luka put his hands on the woman's shoulder. "Someone will be with you in a minute." He motioned Abby to come over, which she did hesitantly.

"She just got here!" the woman complained. 

"This isn't medical," Luka reassured her. 

"I know your tricks!" she continued to complain as she went back to her chair to sit next to her husband.

Luka walked away from the waiting area and looked down at Abby. "What happened?"

Abby played with her fingers, looking ahead. "Um..."

"Dr. Kovac, we have a trauma coming in," a young nurse announced as she ran past them. 

"I'm on break, tell Costas," Luka called out. He looked around the busy hospital in a little frustration and grabbed Abby's arm. "Come on."

~*~

"Luka, this isn't necessary," Abby protested as Luka opened the door to the roof of the hospital. The clouds were white now, and the sky blue. Abby smiled at the beautiful sight in front of her. In the horizon, she could see the ocean as a straight line painted in blue. Unlike the roof at County, this one was definitely cozy and inviting. 

She followed Luka as he walked towards the edge and leaned into it. She looked down at the floor, playing with her fingers, and then up at him. "I just came to say good bye."

Luka's face turned ten times more serious. "Abby no," he pleaded as his heart fell ten feet down. 

Abby shook her head, looking out in the distance. "I can't, we can't do this again."

"Abby," Luka said and put his hand on her arm tentatively, scared she might run away. "I love you."

Abby bit her lip and looked down at her shoe. "I love you too." She brushed the moment aside and looked up at Luka. "Everything's a mess, Luka." 

"I'll come to Chicago," Luka said desperately.

"You can't," Abby said, shaking her head. "You have your life here."

Luka looked around San Diego, and then at her. "You come to San Diego."

Abby just looked at him, and raised her shoulders slightly to let him know there was no escape. She let out a sigh and looked around. "Let's just move on."

Luka frowned in disbelief, and then in anger. "Why do you always do this?"

"Do what?" Abby asked innocently. 

"You **always **do this, you always have to torture yourself and everyone around you," he said without thinking. 

Abby just looked at the street below. "It's not torture, Luka. When we're together, we fight and hurt each other."

"But we love each other," Luka added. "So isn't that what matters?"

Abby shook her head. She took a deep breath and looked down. "Luka, I tried to move on many times after you left. And then the other day I realized that the reason why I couldn't was because there were too many things left unsaid between us. But now that we've said them, we can really move on, I know we can."

"I don't want to," Luka shook his head. "And you don't want to either. You came here for a reason, Abby, and it wasn't to move on. I don't have a life here, I have one friend. This isn't where I am supposed to be. I want to be with you and Liliana, where ever that is."

Abby shook her head. "Luka, I don't want you to follow me around, I want you to be happy. And I can't make you move back to Chicago."

"Why not?" Luka asked in more frustration. 

"Because that's... where everything went wrong," she tried to explain. "Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable with everyone there?"

Luka chuckled a little, "Abby, I think after years of Carter, Dave, Mark, Romano, and Kerry, I can take it."

Abby squinted a little, looking down the building. Putting obstacles in front of him wasn't working, and telling him she loved him did not make things any easier. Five years had gone by and she didn't know what was going on inside Luka's mind. She didn't know how many women he had slept with, how many dates he had had. Did he really love her like he said he did? Or was he simply caught up in the moment? Would he leave again? Would the road be easy? Would he be a good father to her daughter? Simple questions whose answers were drifting away from the truth and tormenting her with lies and terrible scenarios. Luka was right, she did like to torture herself. 

"Abby."

He brought her out of her reverie and she looked up. 

Luka held her hand and looked down at her. "Do you want me to come? Because that is all I care about," he said honestly.

Ugh. Why do people always have to ask questions like that? She hated answering, hated letting anyone know how she felt. It was embarrassing, and made her feel weak and vulnerable. She looked down at their intertwined fingers and nodded just a little. 

Luka's relief almost knocked him off his feet, and he lowered his head, trying to find her stare. "So what's the problem?"

Abby curled her mouth, and just shrugged her shoulders. "It may not work."

Luka nodded understandingly as his pager went off, and he quickly turned it off. He was once more risking everything away. Weeks before he was reluctant to open up to Irene because it was a bet. But now he was willing to give everything away, including his heart, to go back to Abby, the one woman who was capable of sending him in and out of trips into insanity. And then there was Chicago. He loved the city. The people were the friendliest and the sights amazing. In Chicago he could never retrieve, because sooner or later someone would grab your hand and show you life. But Chicago was the place where everything went wrong. When he went back, he was struggling to breathe, because the memories were painful. But he knew that if Abby was there, if they were there together, breathing wouldn't be necessary, because he would find himself in heaven.

This time, he wouldn't make any mistakes. "Abby," he said and watched as she looked up hesitantly. "We don't have to move into things quickly."

"What do you mean?" Abby asked, her hair struggling with the breeze. 

"I can move back to the hotel and we will see what happens. We can take it slow," Luka added, looking for her reaction. 

Abby scratched her head and looked up at him. "What if it doesn't work out?"

"It will," Luka said honestly. His pager went off, but he turned it off again.

"What if it doesn't?" Abby repeated. 

"I'll make it work out," Luka added. He grabbed her chin and raised her head gently. "Will you help me?"

Abby couldn't move, but kept staring into his eyes. They always had the power to reassure her that everything was ok, always. She had to admit that when Luka was around, she felt safe. It was very corny and even degrading, but it was true. When things were going ok with them, it was like dancing in heaven. She never worried about what would happen tomorrow, she never dwelled on negativity and she never tortured herself. It was what she wanted, even now. A small smile appeared on the corner of her lip and she looked down. 

"Are you sure about this, Luka?" she asked. 

"Have I ever lied to you?"

Abby looked up and chuckled. She looked to the side and turned more serious. "Look, um, I don't wanna hurt you." She looked at him and sniffed against the cold. "I always told everyone how hard it was when you left, but knowing how much I hurt you was worse."

"Abby don't worry about that now," Luka tried to reassure her. 

"I do worry, Luka, because I don't wanna hurt the man I love. And I just know that sooner or latter I'll just do something, or say something..."

"So will I," Luka added. "We'll always fight, Abby, that's what couples do. And we're good at it too."

Abby chuckled at that, and looked around for a moment, letting time pass. She then looked up at Luka and smiled. "So..."

Luka didn't give her a warning. Cupping her face he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, first with an insatiable hunger he couldn't resist, and then with a little more love and tenderness. He felt her hand on the back of his face and suddenly he couldn't even hear anymore. Many, many nights, when it was cold and lonely, he'd remember what it was like making love to Abby, holding her, kissing her. It was one of the memories he had kept most hidden. Seeing her again was hard. But seeing her and not being able to touch her... it was a torture. Touching her skin was as if his fingers skated along in it. Kissing her lips quenched his thirst, and set his body ablaze. 

Cold and lonely nights. He got the feeling he wouldn't have to go through one of those anymore. 

"Luka!"

An angry voice came from the door and Luka jumped back, looking at Tom.

"I've been paging you for a while now, get your ass down there, NOW," Tom yelled and slammed the door after him. 

Abby let out a sigh, catching her breath and looked up, almost laughing. "Are you in trouble?"

Luka shook his head, cleaning the corner of his mouth with his finger. "No, no."

"Look, um, I have a plane ticket for today..."

"Change it," Luka added. 

Abby smiled, "Luka, I can't stay long."

"Stay with me tonight," he said and grabbed her hands. "Please? We can have dinner and then we can talk about everything."

Abby kept staring at his hands, stroking his skin with her thumb. She missed her daughter terribly, but suddenly her mother's words came to mind and she decided to start living her life, not her daughter's. 

She took a deep breath and looked up at Luka. "Ok."

"Great," Luka said with a bright smile. He leaned over and kissed her again. Digging inside his pocket, he took out his keys and gave them to her. "Wait for me there, I'll pick up dinner on the way home."

"Ok," Abby said as she played with the keys. 

Luka smiled at her, and grabbed her face, kissing her again. "Thank you, Abby. For coming."

Abby touched her forehead against his, massaging the back of his neck. "Thanks for forgiving me."

Luka just shook his head and kissed her forehead. "Tom is going to have my ass."

Abby chuckled and let him go. "I'll be down in a minute."

"Love you," Luka winked before he disappeared. 

Abby let out a sigh and leaned against the edge of the building. Looking down, she watched as three ambulances lined up together neatly and paramedics began to take patients out. Playing with Luka's keys in her pocket, she looked at the ocean away from her. 

Doing a self exploration, she realized her mother was right, getting rid of the anger made her feel lighter, even happy. There was always the possibility that things might go wrong, but wondering about it always made things worse, she knew about that. For the moment she would concentrate on the events of the day. Luka would come home, they would have dinner, talk about their plans and then make love. She blushed like a teenager and saying good bye to the scene in front of her, she tapped on the cement a couple of times and turned around to go.

That night after making love, Luka watching as Abby breathed. He traced the form of her face with his finger, drowning in her scent. He loved moments like these, and prayed he could have many more. The moon was glowing outside and illuminating the room, making it seem as if time had stopped. Luka kissed Abby's neck and rested his head on her pillow, making sure she could never leave, and no one would take her away. Closing his eyes, he could not believe he was going back to Chicago. He couldn't believe he had Abby back, and he couldn't believe he would most likely be a father again. It made happiness take over his limbs and joy pour out of his pores.

When his wife died, he was able to find out for the first time just how strong love is. When he left Chicago, it was reinforced. He tried to diminish it, make it go away, transform it, give it to someone else, but no matter how much he tried, he knew he could only love his wife, and he could only love Abby. And love has a way of morphing, and transforming, and surviving as much as five years of distance. It is the wonder that is love. 

As John Donne has written, it is not so pure and abstract as one might once have thought and wished, but it does endure, and it does grow. 

The End

Phew, one down, one to go. Thanks to everyone for your unconditional support and all the feedback for this story. I had a lot of fun writing it and I'm glad that something I enjoy doing brings you at least ten minutes of entertainment. :)


	11. Epilogue

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Author's notes: Thought it would be nice to write an epilogue, since I never have before. This is set 4 years after the last part. 

Fire and Rain: Epilogue 

Darkness. She hated darkness. Hated it when it was in her room and hated it when it was around her. It scared her, and made everything scary. The carpet was cold, and as she tip toed her familiar path down the hall, she clutched her stuffed elephant Andy in her arms. Trying to be as quiet as she could, she turned the knob to her parents bedroom and peeked her head inside. 

Of course they couldn't see her, it was too dark. But that didn't stop her from being cautious. She left the door open, and very quietly tip toed inside as her father's soft snores made her ears tingle. She smiled and walked over to her mother's side of the bed, stopping in front of her to watch her closely. Looking around, she remembered the time her mom got mad for waking her up when she had had to work two shifts in a row. So no, this was the wrong side of the bed. 

She tip toed to the other side, hugging Andy tight as she came face to face with her father's sleeping features. She leaned on the bed, her face centimeters away from Luka's, and she whispered softly, "Daddy."

Nothing. She used her little hand to stroke her father's arm. "Daddy," she said louder.

Luka opened one eye slowly, Liliana coming into focus. He tried to close it again and continue sleeping, but she had other plans for him.

"Daddy," Liliana cried, getting closer. 

Luka took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What's wrong, Lily?" he asked sleepily.

"There's a monster under my bed," Liliana whined, her voice cracking. 

Luka rubbed his face, and dropped it to the right side, where Abby was still sleeping. He looked at Liliana again, and sat on the bed. "Liliana, what have I told you about monsters?"

"I'm scared," she moaned once more, leaning against Luka's leg.

Luka put his hands under her pits and picked her up, letting out a grunt. "Ok, let's go see." He reached her room, where the baby lamp was still lit and the only sound was the humming of the central air conditioner. He turned the light on using the switch on the wall, and looked at Liliana. "I don't see a monster."

"Under the bed," Liliana explained. 

"Ok," Luka sighed as he set her down on the floor, and knelt down next to her bed, looking under it. "Nope, no monster."

Liliana stared at him, and hugged Andy tighter. She looked around shyly, very aware her father was waiting for an explanation. "He went in the closet," she added. 

Luka scratched the back of his head, looking down as he sat, his back leaning against her small bed. "Come here," he waved with his hand. She looked scared he was going to scold her for a moment, so he smiled to reassure her it was okay. "Come on."

Liliana walked over, and Luka lifted her up, sitting her on his lap. "Liliana, you're a big girl now, you can't sleep with us every night."

"I wanna sleep with you, daddy," Liliana moaned, playing with his shirt.

Luka looked to the side. Words he could hardly resist, but he tried to stand strong. "Are you scared about tomorrow?"

Liliana shook her head no.

Luka put his hands on the side of her face, stroking her hair down and kissing her head. "Lily, tomorrow you're going to start school, you are going to make a lot of friends. And if you're a good girl and go to bed I promise we can go buy some ice cream after school."

Liliana just put her arms around Luka. "I wanna sleep with you."

Luka let out a sigh, knowing she wouldn't give up easily. "Lily," he sighed as he stood up with her in his arms and deposited her on the bed. "We got you this big bed because you're big now. And big girls sleep alone."

"Mommy is a big girl and she sleeps with you," Liliana retaliated.

"Yes, but mommy and I are married, and married people sleep together," Luka said as he tucked her in.

"Why?" Liliana asked. 

Luka pressed his lips together, ready to try and divert the 'why' game. "Because, that's the way it is, Lily. Now go to sleep, we have to get up early tomorrow."

Liliana only watched him as he stroked her bangs back, only they immediately came back to cover her forehead. 

"And remember that there are no monsters, ok? Andy will scare everything away, right Andy?" Luka asked and picked up the elephant, putting it in front of his face. "Yeah, Lily, don't be scared," he added with a fake voice and Liliana chuckled. Luka smiled and gave Andy back. "Go to sleep, ok?" 

"Ok," Liliana said without much thought.

"I love you," Luka said as he kissed her forehead.

"I love you, daddy," she stroked his face with her little hand and watched as he walked away, stopped by the door, gave her a wink, and walked out. 

The room was still lit by the lamp resting next to her bed, and she tried to shut her eyes and go to sleep. She turned to one side, and then to the other, and nothing worked. She opened her eyes and looked at her elephant. "Andy, daddy says you have to scare the monster away." She stared at the elephant, hearing him reply only in her head. "That monster is too big," she added as she kicked the sheets away and got to her feet. 

She peeked her head out to make sure Luka wasn't around, and ran quickly to the room next to hers. The light switch was too high for her to reach, so she walked over to where the moon illuminated the room. It was dark in this room, but it would not ruin the mission. She approached the crib slowly, watching as her baby brother slept soundly. Her little arm made its way into the crib between the bars and she touched his arm.

"Nicky," she called out, but the baby didn't even move. "Nicky," she said again, and the baby started to fuss, only to fall asleep again. Biting her lower lip, she caught a portion of his skin with her thumb and index fingers, and pinched it hard. 

A loud wailing filled the room and she covered her ears, and immediately ran out of her brother's room to hide in the safety of hers. She sat by her door as the baby cried and screamed, her eyes looking out through a small gap of the opened door. 

And then, the door to her parents room opened and she watched as her father walked out. 

"Coming, Nick," he muttered, his voice tired and raspy.

When Luka was inside the nursery, Liliana picked Andy up and ran out of her room and into her parents'. Abby was still sleeping, and she climbed into bed next to her mother, putting his little arm around her waist.

Abby felt that and looked over her shoulder. "Hey," she sighed and turned around, holding her daughter in her arms. "What are you doing here?"

"There's a monster under my bed," Liliana cried, snuggling closer. 

"Lily we've been through this," Abby added, almost falling asleep again. 

Liliana smiled to herself, closing her eyes and indulging herself in her mother's scent. Abby always smelled so good. It made Liliana fall asleep faster. One of the reasons why she always wanted to sleep with her parents was Abby's smell. The other one was that when her dad was around, somehow the monsters disappeared.

"Hey," Luka protested as he walked in with the baby in his arms, watching the two ladies on the bed, Liliana almost completely under Abby. 

Abby looked up. "Is he ok?"

Luka bounced a sleepy Nick on his arms. "Yeah, maybe it was a nightmare." He walked over and laid Nicky next to Liliana, and took his place on the bed. "I thought I said you couldn't sleep here," he told Liliana. 

Liliana didn't say anything, but just snuggled closer to Abby, holding Andy tight and sucking her thumb. 

Luka let out a sigh stretching his arm to embrace his entire family. "Why did we buy this house?" he asked after a silence.

"Because the kids needed their own rooms," Abby answered. 

"Right," Luka added, watching as the two kids were already falling asleep in between them. "Rooms for the kids," he murmured before he closed his eyes. He felt as Abby grabbed his hand and kissed its palm gently. Without opening his eyes he rested his hand on the side of her face and stroked her cheek with his thumb, lulling them both to sleep.

~*~

"How about this one?" Abby asked as she held a little dress in front of Liliana, who was standing on her bed in her underwear.

"Yes," Liliana nodded her head.

"Yes?" Abby asked, eyeing the dress again. 

"No," Liliana shook her head. 

Abby looked at the dress again and then put it back on the closet. "Ok, but that was the last one."

"I like the orange one," Liliana said. 

Abby looked towards the closet again, pointing to a dress. "This one?"

"Yeah," Lily nodded. 

"That's red, baby," Abby said as she took the little dress out of the hanger and put it over Liliana's head. "Can you show me something orange."

Liliana's head resurfaced from the inside of her dress and she looked around. "That," she pointed to a book. 

Abby looked over and smiled, "Very good." She fixed Liliana's hair and kept looking at her face. "You're so smart. Daddy and I are so proud of you." 

"Can Andy come to school with me?" Liliana asked. 

Abby sat Liliana on the bed and started to put on her shoes. "No, honey, he can't?"

"Why?" 

Abby took a short breath. "Because, unfortunately Andy doesn't have his books."

"Why?"

"Because... they don't make books that small for Andy," Abby explained, buttoning her shoes.

  
"Why?"

"Because, honey, there's no place in the market for miniature books for elephants," Abby added.

"He can share mine," Liliana added. 

"Yeah, but he's not registered for school." Abby finished and looked up at her daughter. "Are you scared?"

"No," Liliana shook her head.

"Good," Abby whispered. "Cause I am terrified."

~*~

"Come on, Nick," Luka pleaded as he tried to feed the 14 month old baby with some baby food. "One for daddy?" 

But Nicky shook his little head. "No," he moaned, pushing the spoon away.

"Ok," Luka gave up and put the food down. He looked at his son as he played with his bib. His heart still winced at the memory of the day when that couple came into the ER due to a car crash. The man was pronounced dead after forty minutes of trying to bring him back to life. Meanwhile, they had to do an emergency c-section on the woman, and after the baby was out, the time of death was called on her. The baby went immediately to the NICU where he spent the first weeks of his life, closely monitored by Abby. After an intensive investigation, no family had been found and there had been no contacts on the patients' charts. 

It was a very long conversation, which took almost two weeks. Every night they sat down, weighing the pros and cons, trying to look at it from every conceivable angle. Liliana was three and she had no one to play with. She was beginning to come up with tens of imaginary friends, all of which seemed to be around even when Liliana was not there. Luka had found himself visiting the nameless baby more than once, wondering if they could take on another adoption. The biggest con was not knowing who the baby belonged to. They did not want to take him home one day only to have a distant relative appear a week later and take him away from them. 

Adele tried to reassure them that they had tried to find a relative tenaciously, and had found none. The couple were probably run away kids or they were simply two people who had no family, maybe even foreigners. Abby would spend most of her time talking about the baby, his every move, how well he was doing, scared he might not pull through. It went from being a question to being a consideration, a serious one. They had not planned on having another child and they did not have the luxury of nine months of preparations. 

Maggie squealed in delight when she heard they were thinking about adopting a baby boy. Abby brought her to the hospital and Maggie immediately fell in love with the baby. She would call every day to ask if they had made their decision, if they needed anything. She began to design boy clothes, buy toys and even announced the news to her circle of friends, which was nearly half of Chicago. Neither Abby nor Luka could convince her that nothing was certain, because Maggie would shake her head, "That boy is a Kovac." But there was one other person whose approval they needed. One day they took Liliana to meet her possible little brother. When she saw him, her first words were, "Santy Claus!" And Nicholas became his name. 

After all the paperwork they were finally able to release Nick and take him home. The first couple of weeks came along with extremely long days of madness. Liliana's crib had to be put together again and Nick slept on Luka and Abby's room. Liliana started getting jealous because Abby had to take care of Nick most of the time. So Luka would take Liliana on walks and rides to let her know she was still daddy's little girl. Then Abby would leave Nick with Luka and spend a day with Lily and Maggie to let Liliana know she was still mommy's princess. After a couple of months, Liliana got used to having a little baby on the apartment and her jealousy vanished. 

But that was only one of their problems. Diapers were beginning to pile up, gifts to mount up, and there was no space for anything. Maggie seemed to bring a new toy every day and the apartment looked like an explosion at Toys R Us. Between toys, furniture, cribs, bottles, beds, tables, chairs, imaginary friends, two babies, plus all of Luka and Abby's things, there was no space to walk.

Enter the house. 

It was a breath of fresh air to be finally settled. Now all they needed was a dog and Luka could finally find himself living a perfect life. He stroked Nicholas' yellow hair and lifted him off the high chair. 

"Huh? What do you think? You want to get a dog?" he tickled Nick as the baby giggled in his arms. 

"We're ready," Abby announced as she came down the stairs with Liliana dressed in a little dress and pig tails to match. 

Luka looked up and smiled. "Abby, I didn't know you had a sister," he teased, giving the baby to Abby and lifting Liliana up. "You look like a big girl."

"**You **look like a big girl," Liliana teased, poking his face with her finger.

"No, you do," Luka replied.

"No, you do," Liliana added. 

"No, you do," Luka chuckled. "Give me a kiss."

Liliana pecked Luka's lips with her own and giggled. 

"Are we ready?" Abby asked, putting on Nicky's shoes as the boy kicked his legs around. 

"I think so," Luka added. He picked up Liliana's lunch box and walked out with her. "So, you want to drive?"

"Yeah!" Liliana exclaimed as Luka opened the back door of Abby's SUV. 

"In twelve years you can," Luka said and strapped her to her seat. He looked down at her for a moment as they waited for Abby. Letting out a sigh, he knelt on the side walk to come face to face with her. How could she be going to school already? Where did all that time go? He could still remember her first steps, her baby laughter, the first time she got sick, her every visit to the doctor. But what he remembered the most and still melted his heart was the first time she called him "papa". It wasn't long after they came back from San Diego. As Luka had promised, they decided to take things slow and so he ended up in the hotel again. The move had been overwhelming for both him and Abby. When he left Chicago, their relationship was strong and very much serious. After five years, they had to learn to find their tempo again. They had both changed, and picking thing up from where they left them was simply a bad idea. 

His relationship with Abby was slow, but his relationship with Liliana grew stronger every second they were together. Kerry promised him to help him find a job, but it took her a while to come through. So Luka would take care of Liliana during the day and since most nights they spent together, he technically saw her more than Abby did. One night after dinner, Luka was playing with her while Abby watched the news and without a warning, Liliana recognized him as her dad. He put the celebration on hold, scared Abby wouldn't want him to father her child and scared of stepping into the responsibility himself. But when he turned around, she was smiling, and he found himself smiling also at the realization that he was a father again. 

He never really thought he could grow to love so much two children he had not created. But he did, so much that it was immeasurable and overwhelming. He found himself thinking about them at work, eager to go home to play with them, to be with his family. It was an innocent feeling, the belief that a second family would remain a still picture in his mind. It wasn't. Every day, they grew taller, smarter, and him and Abby grew older. Yesterday Liliana was 9 months old, and now she was four years old and going to school for the first time. It made him a little sad, but he knew Abby was a wreck, so he tried to stay strong for her. 

He stroked one of her pig tails with his fingers and smiled. "Are you going to miss me?"

"Yeah," Liliana said. 

"How much?" Luka asked. 

"This much," Liliana opened her arms wide.

Luka smiled as Abby rushed to his side with the baby in her arms. "Oh, Luka, let's not go."

"What?" Luka frowned and stood up.

"She's still too small," Abby moaned as Nicky was placed on his car seat.

"She's a big girl now," Luka said, glancing back at his daughter, who was playing with the baby.

"No she's not. She's only four." Abby took a deep breath, looking forward.

"Almost five," Luka added as he turned on the engine and drove away. 

Abby looked forward, and let out a sigh. "Oh God."

~*~

There was a bell ring as hundreds of children ran outside the school. They slowly gathered their things and went inside, leaving the yard bare. Luka stood there, with Nick on his arms, and Abby holding Liliana's hand. The three walked inside, and kinder garden was the first room on the left. The walls seemed to be painted with every existing color, and there were around 20 kids inside, all as small as Liliana, playing together. Abby walked inside hesitantly, almost being pushed by Luka, and at the same time a joyous overweight teacher walked towards them. 

"Hi, I'm Miss. Tilson. And who are you?" she asked as she knelt in front of Liliana.

"Lily," Liliana said, still holding onto her mother's hand.

"Hi, Lily. We're going to have a lot of fun this year," Miss Tilson added with a smile. She reached for another girl and brought her forward. "This is Stacey."

"Hi," Stacey said, looking at Liliana up and down. 

"Hi," Lily said, smiling shyly. Stacey grinned and suddenly ran away, and Liliana wanted to run after her but her mother still held on to her hand. 

"BARNEY!" Nicky yelled as he spotted a Barney doll and tried to jump away from Luka's arms. 

Mrs. Tilson laughed and walked closer. "Yes, when are you going to join us in school?"

Nicky just cooed and kept pointing to the purple dinosaur in one of the tables.

"You are so cute!" Mrs. Tilson squealed as Luka proudly bounced the baby in his arms.

"Um," Abby interrupted her nervously. "So, they're gonna be here the whole time?"

"All the time except for recess," Miss Tilson added. 

Abby nodded quickly, looking up at Luka who looked relaxed. Damn him. "There's, there's no bullies..."

"Don't worry, Mrs. Kovac. She's going to be just fine," Miss Tilson smiled. "And if you want, you can stay or a moment and see how the kids interact and what we do."

Abby nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah..."

"No," Luka interrupted her. "It's ok," he put his hand over Abby's shoulder to try and release some of the tension, but he found her muscles as hard as iron. 

"I understand that this must be hard, I tell the same thing to parents every year. But she's really going to be ok, right Lily?" Miss Tilson asked. 

"Yeah," Liliana nodded, her eyes glued to all the toys inside a colorful trunk. 

Miss Tilson smiled. "I'll leave you to say good bye."

Luka walked outside of the classroom and gave Nick to Abby. He almost had to sit down to come to Liliana's height, and he kissed her forehead. "Don't be scared, ok?"

"Ok," Liliana said.

"And if you do get scared, remember that Lee is right over there," Luka pointed to another classroom, and then another. "And Alex is there."

"Are you going to the hospital, daddy?" Liliana asked. 

"No, we are going to be right here when you come out," he added with a smile.

"Ok," Lily smiled.

"Ok," Luka added. He kissed her forehead again. "I love you."

"I love you," Liliana repeated.

Abby followed, kneeling in front of Liliana, cupping her face. "Are you sure you're going to be ok?"

"Yeah, mommy," Liliana said, trying to look inside the classroom.

"Hey," Abby said to get her attention. When Liliana looked at her, with that little face she had seen grow for almost five years, Abby's tears gave in. So many years trying to avoid motherhood, dreading it, hating it, wondering why other women wanted to go through with it. For years she had worked in a place where children came into the world, watching as mothers cried every time they held their children for the first time. Never would be her. She could not bring a sick child into the world only to be taken care of by a woman who could barely take care of herself. Fools. Don't they know that being a mother and a daughter was all pain? Didn't they know children were able to hate, and leave, and mothers were able to get out of control, and hurt?

The fool had been her. That kind of thinking prevented her from having children and started a snowball effect which nearly destroyed her life. She had not wanted to be a mother, hated the idea of having a daughter, **especially **a daughter. But then, when she thought everything was over, it was her own daughter who changed her mind. She had not conceived her, had not carried her for nine months, had not pushed her out. Yet at the end of a long day, there she was, waiting for Abby by her door. She had been wrong all along, and it was the only wrong assumption she was proud to have made.

"I love you," she smiled at her daughter, tears falling down her face like there was no tomorrow. She suddenly remembered her first day of school, and Maggie was there, crying also. The thought was a little comforting. 

"Why are you crying, mommy?" Liliana asked and looked up at Luka, who was smiling at them with Nicky in his arms. 

Abby smiled, stroking her daughter's arms. "I'm just happy, baby." 

Liliana couldn't find a link between tears and happiness. When people were happy, they laughed. When they were sad, they cried. But why was mommy sad? She didn't like that one bit. 

But Abby was smiling, and so Liliana smiled. "I love you too," she said and put her arms around Abby's neck. 

Abby sniffed and pulled back. "Be a good girl, ok? Remember your colors."

Liliana nodded, looking at her crying mother. It almost made her want to cry too, but her mind was still thinking about those toys. She kissed Abby on the lips and hugged her again. 

Abby couldn't let go, and Luka had to put his hand on her shoulder to bring her back to reality. Abby looked up and stood up, cleaning the tears off her face. 

Liliana picked up her lunch box and walked towards the class room, stopping by the door to wave her hand good bye. Miss Tilson grabbed her hand, and said good bye to Luka and Abby, closing the door behind her. 

"Oh," Abby moaned and buried her head in Luka's chest, feeling a huge knot inside her throat almost breaking through her skin. Luka put his arm around her and as Nick tapped on Abby's head with his little hand, he began to walk outside. When he glanced towards the classroom through the crystal window of the door he saw his little girl sitting on the floor surrounded by other children, all singing a song she seemed to know. He cleared his throat to get rid of the small knot and opened the car door for Abby, wondering if they still would let them stay to see how Liliana would do. 

~*~ 

The car ride was silent. Luka kept staring at the road ahead and Abby out the window. Five minutes had not passed, and she already missed her daughter. The sweet way she said 'mommy', the way she laughed at everything, her sense of humor, her little hands, her voice... This was wrong, all wrong. 

She looked at Luka. "You know, that teacher..."

"Don't, Abby. She was good," Luka said, looking forward. 

"You know, we could home school," Abby added, hopeful.

"We don't have time to do that, Abby," Luka replied, alternating between looking at the road and Abby. 

"I could quit my job," Abby said tentatively as she played with her fingers. 

"Don't even think about it. She's going to be just fine," Luka added, holding on to his own words.

Abby looked around the car desperately, and reached for something by her feet. "Oh no, Luka. Look, Liliana forgot her... air freshener," she ended lamely, watching as the pine shaped freshener hung from her fingers. 

Luka looked over and chuckled, "Abby look at yourself."

Abby let out a sigh, brushing her hand through her hair. "What if she needs me, Luka?"

"The teacher is there for that," Luka added. 

Abby pressed her hands against her face, trying to contain the tears again. "What if the teacher is not good enough?"

"Then, they can call the nurse," Luka added as he stared straight ahead at the road, unaware of the silence that had filled the car. 

Abby's face fell and she turned to him completely. "Why would they need to call the nurse?"

Luka looked at her panicked face, and tried to fix it. "I mean, it's a million to one chance..."

"Oh my God, Luka. Turn around," Abby added. 

"What?"

"I'm taking my baby home," Abby added, trying to reach for the wheel.

"Abby!" Luka protested. He finally pulled over to the side of the road and put the car on parking. He turned to face her, a serious expression on his face. "Abby, she's not a baby anymore. She's almost five years old and she has to go to school."

Abby just sank in her seat. "I just remember when I held her for the first time, she was so small."

"Well, she's not so small anymore," Luka added. "There's only one baby left in the house, Abby, and he's sitting back there." He looked back at his son, who was playing with the toys on his seat. 

Abby shook her head. "This is going too fast, Luka."

"I know," he said and ran his hand through her hair. 

"And did you see her? It was as if she didn't need me anymore. I- I feel like I'm losing her," she moaned once more. 

"She needs us, Abby." Luka smiled. "And you're not losing her. She's going to come home tonight and she'll want to sleep with us again and nothing will change."

"Yes it will," Abby added. "She'll have friends now, and boyfriends, and then she'll go to college..."

"And we'll watch her do all that and still live our lives. We're not just parents, Abby," Luka added. "And then Nicholas is going to go to school and do the same. But we can't keep them on a crib forever, eventually they have to go on their way."

"What are we gonna do then?" Abby asked, looking straight ahead as tens of cars passed them. 

"We... wait for them to call," Luka said simply. 

Abby moaned. "Oh, God. I never call Maggie."

Luka chuckled. "You don't have to call Maggie, Abby. She's there every day."

Abby let out a sigh, and rested her head against his arm. She knew Luka was right, but she could not shake this feeling off of her. She was scared that one day Liliana would come home and hate Abby, just like once Abby hated Maggie. She was terrified of her daughter being the daughter she was. The thought even made her nauseous. 

She dropped her head to the side and looked at Luka, who was still staring at her. 

"But you are not alone," Luka added. "She's my little girl."

Abby smiled, and moved over to somehow rest her head on Luka's shoulder. Several years before she had sworn she could do this alone, raise a child and spend the rest of her life alone with her work. She sat in the car now and looked at everything she had; a house, two children, and Luka. How could anybody live without those things? How can a person wake up every morning without Luka at their side? Without Nicky crying? Without Liliana climbing into bed with her? And to think that the mother who screwed up her childhood ended up being the one who saved her adult life. 

"We have the day off," Luka interrupted her thoughts, kissing her head. "What do you want to do?"

Abby looked up at him, smiling. "I wanna look at baby pictures."

Luka chuckled, grabbed her head and kissed her lips. "They'll call, Abby." 

Abby put her hand on his cheek, closing her eyes. "I hope so."

Luka gave her another kiss and waited for her to seat back. He started the car again and drove away. 

As he drove he glanced over at Abby, who was smiling now. He looked through the side mirror and realized the sun was behind him. Funny. His whole life he had been chasing after the sun and as it turned out he was going the wrong way. Now it was the sun who chased after him. 

~*~

Luka walked into the nursery, where Nicholas was sleeping on his crib. He closed the shades of the window and made sure the monitor was on. After kissing his son's head, he grabbed the two glasses he was carrying from the table and closed the door behind him. 

"Did you find them?" Luka asked as he walked into the bedroom, putting the glasses down. 

"Yeah, on top of the closet," Abby said as she threw the albums on the bed. She sat on it and crossed her legs and Luka laid down next to her, resting his chin on her thigh. Abby grabbed one of the albums and opened it up, revealing Liliana's birth certificate. 

Luka smiled, watching as his name was printer above the word "father". Abby watched the images in front of her, smiling as Maggie held Lily in front of the camera, and then Dave held the baby in front of him, pointing a finger to himself to let the world know he thought he was the father. "You know he still calls me about that paternity test," Abby said. 

Luka chuckled. "Well you have to admit, with all the sleeping around he does..."

"I am not raising Dave's child, Luka," Abby said. She turned on another page and then images with Luka began to appear. "First Halloween."

Luka smiled, watching a picture of himself as Fred, Abby as Wilma, and poor Liliana as Pebbles. "Do you still have that dress?" he asked friskily.

"Luka," Abby slapped his arm as her cheeks turned red. She looked down to see a snap shot of Carter, proudly holding his daughter Isabella after her birth. She turned on the last page of the album, and her eyes quickly became moist. She took the picture out of the page, and laid down on the bed next to Luka, both looking at the black and white image of their wedding. Maggie had taken everything under her care, and they exchanged vows under the sky in the gardens of a beautiful yard of Chicago. It was a small wedding, but certainly the one everyone thought they would never see. 

Liliana was two, and in charge of the flowers. She threw some petals at the beginning of the isle, and when she spotted her father at the end she put her task aside and ran towards Luka. So with no petals on the isle, Abby walked up with her mother by her side. Luka's hands kept shaking even as they walked down the isle after being pronounced husband and wife.

Luka reached with his finger and removed a piece of lint in the picture where Liliana was pointing to the camera on her white dress in the middle of Luka and Abby.

"I miss her," Abby said. 

Luka smiled, and looked at Abby, kissing her cheek. "We still have one left."

Abby chuckled. "And he's already talking, and walking. The other day he called me obtutecian."

Luka chuckled and put the picture away, wrapping Abby in his arms. "Which one do you think will be a doctor."

Abby closed her eyes and snuggled closer to Luka, kicking some of the albums away with her feet. "None, I hope." She heard as Luka mumbled something and then stopped moving. Abby stared at the ceiling for a while, thinking. "Luka."

"Hmm," Luka replied. 

"When we're old and wrinkly and alone, we'll still be happy, right?" she asked. 

Luka raised his head, looking at her in confusion. "Why wouldn't we?"

"I don't know," Abby replied. "The kids will be gone, and we'll be retired."

"Don't think about that, Abby," Luka said, putting his head back down. "Besides, Lily won't be dating any time soon, not until she's 30."

Abby chuckled and put her hand to the side of his face. 

"Don't worry, Abby, we still have a long way to go," Luka said. At that moment, Nicky's cries came through the monitor resting on the table. "See?"

Abby smiled, standing up. "I'll get it."

Luka watched her go and laid his head down on the pillow again. When they were old and wrinkly, would they be happy? Of course. He knew that. He knew they would also fight and he would sometimes have to sleep on the couch, but it was okay. It was what he wanted, a normal life. Still, sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting. In his dream he would come home from work only to find his house had been nearly destroyed. There were people outside, pointing and accusing him of leaving Danjiela for Abby. He ignored them all as he ran inside, and the first thing he would find was Nicholas' little hands under the rubble. It never went beyond that. 

The thought of losing his second family was so powerful that it would leave him paralyzed for a couple of minutes. He tried not to think about it, to ignore it, but it was still there. He knew talking would help, and he had told Abby about the dreams, but just when she would start asking questions, he's brush it aside. He would let her hold him at night, until he went back to sleep, to a better dream. But he knew she worried. Maybe one day he would sit down and they could face all his demons together, but right now he did not have the strength to step into that part of his mind.

He heard cries and more cries as Abby walked closer and into the room. 

"Daddy, daddy," Nicholas kept repeating as he cried, extending his arms towards Luka. 

"I'm right here," Luka said as he sat on the bed and took the boy away from Abby. "What's wrong?"

Nicky cried softer, leaning into Luka. 

Abby sat on the bed too, stroking her son's hair. She smiled, resting her hand on top of Luka's. "You know I was thinking, when he's older, maybe we can adopt again."

Luka looked up and smiled. He gave her hand a squeeze and stroked Nick's belly. "Abby we don't have to adopt," he said and watched as her face grew confused. "We can have our own."

Abby nodded understandingly. There was nothing she wanted more than create a child with Luka, but there was more than one obstacle. "Luka, it's very expensive."

"We wouldn't be doing it today, or tomorrow," Luka said simply. "We can start saving now."

Abby smiled, taking the baby away from Luka's lap and lying down with him. She watched as Nick's blue eyes looked around, his small hand playing with her necklace. He was so perfect, so... healthy. Luka laid down also, wondering why her smile had vanished. She put her hand on his chest with a mirthless smile. "I'm not sure I could make a healthy baby, Luka."

Luka looked at her for a moment and then grabbed her hand, kissing her fingertips. "I am willing to take the risk."

"Well, I don't think I am," Abby said. "I don't want any of my kids to suffer like Maggie has."

Luka kept staring at her, playing with her fingers. "It's your decision, Abby. But even if she or he is Bipolar, it doesn't mean they will suffer. We can teach them to take their medication and we will monitor just in case."

Abby just looked down at her son, kissing his head. 

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to put any pressure on you," Luka added, trying to fix the moment.

"No, no," Abby said. 

"Abby I am happy no matter what we decide. I love you and I love our children. And if we have more, I will love them just the same. I want you to be happy," Luka added, caressing her face. 

"I am," Abby smiled. She leaned closer and gave Luka a kiss, feeling his hand on hers. She laid her head down on the pillow, closing her eyes as a familiar and comfortable silence filled the room. I am. The words kept dancing in her head even after Luka and Nick fell asleep next to her. And all of a sudden she was hit with the realization that after many, many years, she had been honest about her feelings, and had been true to herself. She had found her pot at the end of the rainbow, had earned her reward after years of torture and suffering. She was happy, and so was Luka. And all of a sudden their pasts were not there anymore, or they didn't have as much importance as they used to. 

She removed Luka's hair away from his eye and stroked his brow with her thumb. Even today, she didn't regret the decision of not marrying him when he first proposed. She knew that she would never be able to give him a child, even when there were other options. But she was certain that she would not be able to make him happy. After years apart, she finally bowed to do so, until death do them part. It was a promise she not only made to God and Luka, she made it to herself. Two children. The promise was theirs also. Together they had given Luka back his life, and in the process, made hers a better one. 

The end... I promise


End file.
